Bambi's Essay (ielts)

[BambinA]

I've decided to post my essay in this thread..

For IELTS writing part , Task 2 ..essay should have atleast 250 words

I'm trying to write it everyday ..and i will post here ...

Thank you in advance for checking it

PS .. these are my 1st and 2nd essay(in my life) ..I have never written any essay before ..I know my english is pidgin ..please don't laugh at me then

same sex marriage legally or not

Marriage is a commitment for two persons who decide to live together by law and get marriage bill . Nowaday as we know ,there are more than two sexualities as male ,female and gay (include lesbian and gay man) Many people think it is ridiculous , if same sex people want to marry,however in my opinion I think same sex marriage is a good idea.

Gay and Lesbian are the same human being as straight , and they deserve to be treated the same as others. The benefits of same sex marriage for instance , the couple can reduce the taxes when they have a marriage bill, They have their right on the properties when they have commitment (especially when one of the partner dead or get divorce) ,and some countries if the couple has not marriage bill , it seems like she or he can not stay with his or her sick lover in the hospital.

However , same sex marriage can be a problem in some families when the same sex couple decide to adopt kids. Some kids may have a problem and confuses why he/she has two fathers or two mothers. Furthermore , some religions can't accept the same sex couple in thier communities and it could be a hard life for those couples.

Conclusion, In my Opinion, I think same sex marriage should be legally and exist , follow from the Pro's .And from the Con's I think we can escape those problem when the couple give the information for thier kids .People can't choose what they are, but they can choose what they do , I think sexuality and preference are not the big deal . We should scope people from their heart and treat people in the same way we want to be treated

(280-290 words)

Edited June 29, 2006 by BambinA

[BambinA]

Who learns faster - children or adults?

Learning is ,to gain knowledge and information . There are many factors that make people have difference speed for learning such as age, environment , brain ,chromosome and experience.

Many people think ,Children learn faster than adults in many ways. When we put new information .For kids's brain ,it just likes sponge absorb water. Kids 's brain are ready to learn about new thing already .For exammple, children have more ability to learn as language and sport . Apparently Children are be able to study new language and can speak as native speakers especailly when kid start learning it when they are 2-4 years old. Furthurmore we can see many professional sport players as Tiger Wood ,Venus Williams who start to learn about sport form young age also .

However , For adults , usually they have manything to do as working that makes they has lesser chance to learn new things because they have less free time when we compare with children .Anyhow adults who have more information in brain and maybe it's harder to learn new things but they have "experience" for compensate . Something that not much difference from old experiences make adults learn more quickly as a person who study in statistic he/she can use it and apply it for computer .

For conclusion, in my opinion learning makes people have got experience and experience makes we learn new thing easier and maybe faster. And I believe that if we want to learn something and intend to do it indeed ,we can do . Eventhough children learn faster than adult but we'd better not force kids to do something that they don't want .Just let kids learn something that they appreciate to study , adult can guide them in the nice way and adults can be a good model for kids also.

(280-290 words)

[Explorer]

Bambi,

Just a suggestion, maybe you ought to use Homosexual rather than Gay or Lesbian as it would explain the 2 together and it sounds more..erm...more.. formal . (sorry me not english teacher)

Anyway, I really admire you doing this, keep it up! I am sure alot of posters here would guide you later.

Explorer

[sbk]

Hi Bambi, I am guessing this is for vet school abroad? keep at it!

OK, first off, not so many commas are needed. Also, you don't capitalize after a comma unless it is the pronoun "I".

As for the topics, good presentation of your ideas and opinions but you need to remember one thing: essays tend to use more formal language so I would use children throughout (instead of kids).

And keep an eye on your conjunctions: If you find you are using "they have" from the beginning, be sure to stick with the "they have" and don't use "they has".

[toptuan]

Hi Bambi,

If you have a way to copy & paste these into a word document and send to me as an attached file, I'd be happy to correct/edit it along with the 200 university students' papers which I do every week.

I use the "track changes" feature in Microsoft Word which really speeds up the process--it clearly shows my edits from your original writing, and then gives you the opportunity to "accept" or "reject" my edits. If you're unfamiliar with the Track Changes feature, I'd be happy to walk you through it.

If you decide to take me up on the offer, just PM me.

Take care, and good luck on your IELTS!

TT

P.S. This is to pay you back for all your wonderful posts on TV.

[Cheeky Farang]

Bam and helpers, please do not over "correct" if you get my meaning.

The exam board expects grammatical and spelling mistakes in foreign students or they will smell a rat for sure.

Just my thought.

CF

[BambinA]

thank you Exploer,sbk,toptuan and cheeky farang for encaurage me

for toptuan ... itrs my MS word file

my_essay.doc

[The Dan Sai Kid]

May I suggest when you use the fullstop and comma, always put them directly after the word.

Always take 1 space after a comma, and 2 spaces after a fullstop, question mark, etc.

Eg. This is a ball, this is a doll.

My name is John. I am 10 years old.

It helps to make it easier on the marker's eyes!

Another good idea is that when you post on the forum, alway try and use correct grammar, spelling, puctuation, etc. This can help you practice and not get into any bad habits!

Good luck!

Edited June 30, 2006 by The Dan Sai Kid

[chownah]

Hi Bambi,

I hope you are not getting burned out from all of the comments. I want to try to show something about how sentences are organized. A sentence should start with a capital letter and end with a period or question mark or exclamation point. A sentence usually expresses one idea although two or more ideas can be put together in one sentence. In writing it is best to have some short sentences and some long sentences....this makes it more enjoyable to read. I'll now break your article down into each sentence and comment on each one. I'm going to ignore most mistakes because I want to focus on the sentence organization.

Sentence #1.

Marriage is a commitment for two persons who decide to live together by law and get marriage bill .

Comment....I think this one is good

Sentence #2

Nowaday as we know ,there are more than two sexualities as male ,female and gay (include lesbian and gay man) Many people think it is ridiculous , if same sex people want to marry,however in my opinion I think same sex marriage is a good idea.

Comment...I started at the word "Nowaday" which begins with a capital and the sentence just keeps on going until the period after the word "idea". I think you forgot to put in a period or maybe even two. I think that there are three ideas here that could be in three sentences. Idea #1 talks about the different types of sexuallity. Idea #2 talks about some people thinking it is ridiculous for same sex couples to marry. Idea #3 states your opinoin about same sex marriage. I think that three sentences would be good for this although I think that idea #2 and idea #3 are both talking about opinions so it would probably be possible to combine these two ideas into one sentence...something like, "Many people think that same sex marriage is ridiculous but I think it is a good idea." In this sentence the word "but" is what connects the two ideas together....you used the word "however" which works just as well..so..good work.

Sentence #3

Gay and Lesbian are the same human being as straight , and they deserve to be treated the same as others.

Comment....Good sentence. The coma you put in makes readers want to stop and pause for a second before continuing and I think the sentence would be better without it because there is no reason to pause...in my opinion. There are two ideas in this sentence and the word "and" is what connects them together.

Sentence #4

The benefits of same sex marriage for instance , the couple can reduce the taxes when they have a marriage bill, They have their right on the properties when they have commitment (especially when one of the partner dead or get divorce) ,and some countries if the couple has not marriage bill , it seems like she or he can not stay with his or her sick lover in the hospital.

Comment...This is kind of a long sentence but all of the ideas are related. Maybe you forgot a period after "marriage bill" and put a comma in instead. Maybe you wanted to break this into two sentences? Sometimes if there is a list of benefits or reasons for something and if there is one major one and several minor ones then the major one will be put in a sentence by itelf where it will be discussed more thoroughly and the others will be put together in one sentence with less explanation. This will put emphasis on the one which is all alone in one sentence. If you think that all of the reasons are equally important then it is probably best to give each one a seperate sentence which will create more equlity between them...or maybe put two together in one sentence if there are alot of them and you don't want alot of short sentences and if you can think of some reason why the two have something in common.

Sentence #5

However , same sex marriage can be a problem in some families when the same sex couple decide to adopt kids.

Comment...good sentence.

Sentence #6

Some kids may have a problem and confuses why he/she has two fathers or two mothers.

Comment....another good sentence....two in a row!!

Sentence #7

Furthermore , some religions can't accept the same sex couple in thier communities and it could be a hard life for those couples.

Comment....another good sentence....three in a row!!! This one is really good because it contains two related ideas and they are coordinated very well.

All the rest......

Conclusion, In my Opinion, I think same sex marriage should be legally and exist , follow from the Pro's .And from the Con's I think we can escape those problem when the couple give the information for thier kids .People can't choose what they are, but they can choose what they do , I think sexuality and preference are not the big deal . We should scope people from their heart and treat people in the same way we want to be treated

Comment....ooops...this stuff is not too well organized...but the last sentence is great. In my opinion it is great for two reasons. First because it very clearly expresses two very closely related ideas and second because it expresses what seems to me to be the most important message you want to express which makes for a very strong conclusion.

I suggest that after you write something that you break down each sentence and consider some of the kinds of ideas I have presented here....you might do this even if you don't like my ideas because at least you will hopefully see where you forgot to put in periods etc.

Good luck and keep at it,

Chownah

[kayo]

Bambi, in a previous life I was a writer, and given the circumstances I agree with not "over'correcting" you.

Nor do I wish to repeat what other perfectly capable people are advising.

I do, however, have one double constructive comment for you.

In the last paragraph of both your first essays, you write

"Conclusion, in my opinion..."

That it is the conclusion is obvious in that it is the last paragraph of your essay.

And more importantly, it IS YOUR essay, therefore the opinions are YOURS.

Hence, there is no need to write "in my opinion".

Any outside opinions you include, you will surely attribute. for example, "Doctor SoandSo believes that (blah blah)"

[BKK90210]

Hmm…words of advice

”In my opinion”, same sex marriage is a very sensitive topic to write your college entrance essay on, especially in the US. I don’t know which school you’re planning to apply for, but normally the schools along the westcoast are a bit more liberal on this subject, but in the Midwest – well it could be a different ball game. So I would change the subject altogether when trying to get in one of those Midwest colleges.

Edited June 30, 2006 by BKK90210

[backflip]

Bambina,

Re: essay #1...

You've mentioned "gay" along with "male" and "female", and you are confusing the reader, especially when you write that gay is one sexuality that includes both male and female. You should concentrate on "straight" and "gay" - and everyone knows what you are referring to. "Homosexual" (as suggested by another poster), although a valid term, is nearly outdated - and can be seen as a negative term. Too, if you are FOR gay marriages, it is not in your best interest in mentioning arguments against it: childhood parental gender confusion (I bet you can't find a single study that indicates that adoptive children are confused about this), and religion. It's better to stick with the most positive aspect: supportive and nuturing families. Secondary aspects include taxation, and health benefits. You only have 250 words to make a point - use them wisely.

[BambinA]

Hi there.

I want to thank you all that you correct my essays ,I have no idea what I have to write when i have that examination.

For arguement essays topic , i search from internet , I have no idea what is the topic i have to do in that exam .

By the way .. all of comments make me know what's my weak point .

Computers have great benefits for modern society discuss

Nowaday, our world is globalization .After industrial revolution , technology has influent to mankind. Computer is the one of technology that makes people have more convenience .We use computers in many fields such as agriculture ,business ,industry, education, communication, and etc .It seems computers have great advantages for modern society.

Many people think computers make they manage things easier. For example for management field ,computers make the user reaches to the data and archive faster and use only less space for keeping all of files and documents. In agriculture and industry ,computers make us can control many processes of production and make us have got more products.

Furthermore, computers make world's closer when we use them with telecommunication as internet .Computer and internet is a huge source of knowledge though. It can make people feel like everything they want to know it is on their finger tips . In past if somebody stayed far away from home town such as abroad ,it took long time for send letter .With computer and internet , it makes people decrease time for transfer letter as e-mail.

However, some people believe computers can't beat the classic of literature as book . Books still have more passion and appreciation. Many books especially old book refer to past and history. Moreover ,for art many people thinks that , the hand made artists are more impression than computer

For conclusion, I think although computers make our life are comfortable but we'd better not use them until we forget to have relation with other people .Try to use computers for the most useful and spend time for family and friends . Materialism is not more important than mental spirit and kindness.

[BambinA]

Oh ... I have a silly question. can you guys give me a trick what is noun / adj/adv

as convenienCE = noun

convenienT =adj

May be i need 'suffixes' lesson .. but if anyone has a trick please teach me

I don't speak english . In Thai ,we don't have 2nd language ,we have only foriegner language.

Edited July 3, 2006 by BambinA

[kenkannif]

Nowt to do with grammar really, but don't put a space before a comma or fullstop...like this , or this . as it's wrong and looks odd. Just do it like this, or this. And it'll look better (is it really two spaces after a fullstop???).

Personally I don't like these tests as they make people think they can kind of study up specifically for them (which I'm sure you can to an extent) whereas really you should be able to pass it due to your English ability alone...not because you've been taught how to pass (if you get what I mean???).

I think Isaan/Issan is a second language to a lot of people Bambina, as is English to SOME Thais (obviously not many though).

And check your plurals as well as Thais often have a lot of problems with them.

Do you listen to much English TV or music? If so when you write try to remember if you've 'heard' these sentences before, or if they sound natural to you.

Edited July 4, 2006 by kenkannif

[Totster]

(is it really two spaces after a fullstop???).

Yes it is.

totster

[kenkannif]

Blimey....you live and you learn. Thanks mate. Will get in the habit

[Totster]

In typewritten texts and other documents printed in fixed-width fonts, there is a convention among lay writers that two spaces are placed after the full stop (along with the other sentence enders: question mark and exclamation mark), as opposed to the single space used after other punctuation symbols.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Full_stop

totster

[kenkannif]

Ish You selective quoter you

Many descriptivists (i.e. people who describe how language is used in practice) support the notion that a single space after a full stop should be considered standard because it has been the norm in mainstream publishing for many decades.

And:

Most modern typesetters, designers, and desktop publishers use only one space after a period as do all mainstream publishers of books and journals.

So it seems one space is more than acceptable and the norm nowadays

Good info here as well:

http://rosendorf.us/blogdorf/archive/2005/07/14/449.aspx

Edited July 4, 2006 by kenkannif

[Totster]

Ish You selective quoter you

Many descriptivists (i.e. people who describe how language is used in practice) support the notion that a single space after a full stop should be considered standard because it has been the norm in mainstream publishing for many decades.

And:

Most modern typesetters, designers, and desktop publishers use only one space after a period as do all mainstream publishers of books and journals.

So it seems one space is more than acceptable and the norm nowadays

Good info here as well:

http://rosendorf.us/blogdorf/archive/2005/07/14/449.aspx

he he..

I quoted what I needed, but left the link for anyone to read up..

However, I was taught in school to place two spaces after the full stop, so I guess that habit will carry on with me anyway. But from reading up it seems there are two camps, the double space camp and the single space camp. As the actual standard is unclear, I suppose either will be acceptable.

totster

[kenkannif]

I think it's a bit old sKool to do so now....and going by the other website it's a bit pointless as often it will automatically be taken out by your 'puter, or if being printed....by the printer.

Good to know though!!!

[chownah]

For conclusion, I think although computers make our life are comfortable but we'd better not use them until we forget to have relation with other people .

This sentence of yours is the kind of thing you should try to avoid. What this sentence says is that you think that we must forget how to have a relationship with other people before we should use computers. This is obviously not what you were trying to say....unless you are socially maladjusted...which I doubt. To write a sentence which so obviously wrong in what it communicates on your written exam will almost assuredly be the kiss of death. I think that you are trying to sound sophisticated in your writing but in reality the sophisitication is not there yet. It is probably better for you to write using simple vocabulary and phrases because your ability to use more complex and idiomatic stuff is not developed yet....and if you try to use these more difficult phrases and make a mistake like this one I fear that it will seriously impact your exam results...in a negative way.

Chownah

[PeaceBlondie]

Oh ... I have a silly question. can you guys give me a trick what is noun / adj/adv

as convenienCE = noun

convenienT =adj

May be i need 'suffixes' lesson .. but if anyone has a trick please teach me

I don't speak english . In Thai ,we don't have 2nd language ,we have only foriegner language.

BambinA, I think nobody answered this question of yours, so I'll try.

Words that end in "-ent" are usually adjectives, but the reason is too complicated to explain. It's the same with "fragrant" and "fragrance." There are no perfect rules in English; there are always exceptions, such as adjectives like "friendly" and "easterly." But over 95% of the time, words ending in "-ly" are adverbs, such as "conveniently.

Words ending in "-ed" usually come from a verb, and they can either be the past or perfect tense such as "played" or they can be an adjective such as "tired," which means something tired him out and now he's tired. Or "bored" which means something bored him, so now he's bored.

If a verb ends in "-s" it is probably simple present, third person singular, such as the words "ends" and "is" in this sentence.

That's enough for now. If you get the beginner's red book of grammar by Swann, it will give you a lot of help. I mean, it will help you very much. Good luck.

[BambinA]

Hi guys

all inputs make me know more.. thanks alot . you guys are nice

PB .. im on

English Grammar In Use : A Self-study Reference and Practice Book for Intermediate Students of English (Paperback)

by Raymond Murphy

and

English Pronunciation in Use Pack Book and Audio CDs (Paperback)

by Mark Hancock

I have got some IELTS textbooks also ,but im dull .I wish i could do it better

I wll try to do my best

[kenkannif]

It's Murphy PB mate, Swan(n?) does the Bible of Grammar (Practical English Usage) but it's 'heavy' man

[mijan24]

Oh ... I have a silly question. can you guys give me a trick what is noun / adj/adv

as convenienCE = noun

convenienT =adj

May be i need 'suffixes' lesson .. but if anyone has a trick please teach me

I don't speak english . In Thai ,we don't have 2nd language ,we have only foriegner language.

BambinA - The Bangkok Post featured a very good article on the use/non use of comma's last month (about the 20th) I will try to find it and forward it to you.

Well done!

[PeaceBlondie]

Yes, I meant Murphy; to me a swan is a lovely bird that grows up from an ugly duckling. Thanks for the correction, kenkaniff.

Almost everybody posting on forums needs help with apostrophes lately. And I don't mean apostrophe's.

And it's definitely spelled definitely, and separately, it's separately.

[kenkannif]

Definitely has to be one of the most common mistakes (I hate neccassary and restaraunt As you can see).