Taking care of the Family.

[sipi]

I live in Australia and married to a Thai. My workmate, Allan (whom I respect) initiated a conversation today...

Allan "May I ask you a personal question?"

Me "Sure Al"

Allan "Do you send money to your Thai wife's parents?"

Me "If they need it"

Allan "Ummm, Why?"

Me "Do you love your wife?"

Allan "Of course"

Me "Do you help her parents if they need it?"

Allan "Of course"

"Ok Al, you have just answered your own question"

So what is the point of my post? No matter who you are married to and whatever nationality, if you love her you will do what you can to help her family. Yes, there are limits; and I expect to recieve backlash and sad-stories from members. But think about it. It is a damn side easier and cheaper to please Thai family than others.

Now please feel free to abuse the hell out of my Topic.

[metisdead]

A post contributing nothing at all to the topic has been removed.

[sipi]

A post contributing nothing at all to the topic has been removed.

Thanks..

[Issangeorge]

I say the same thing, I love my wife so within limits I help them. People do the same in the west. If your wife's mother has to go into a nursing home and they can't afford a good one, but you can, you'll help them out, it's natural, so why should it be different here. The only difference is here most westerners are married to poorer farm girls so their families tend to need more help than a western lady's family. Oh within limits means excluding good for nothing relatives that do nothing to help themselves.

[Costas2008]

OP, I'll tell you a secret.

The best moments in my life in Thailand, is when I give some money and a wai to my mother in law.

You should see her eyes and facial expression, to appreciate what I am talking about.

I wish I could give her more.

[choochoo]

I say the same thing, I love my wife so within limits I help them. People do the same in the west. If your wife's mother has to go into a nursing home and they can't afford a good one, but you can, you'll help them out, it's natural, so why should it be different here. The only difference is here most westerners are married to poorer farm girls so their families tend to need more help than a western lady's family. Oh within limits means excluding good for nothing relatives that do nothing to help themselves

Which west do you come from? People where i come from do everything in their power to get the old infirmed on government paid nursing homes.

Very few can afford top quality care on their own dime.

Edited September 5, 2014 by choochoo

[pgrahmm]

Yes....it's family - I believe throwing buckets of money is a huge mistake.......we do it by shopping for needs that can help that they know they need - groceries - supplies....kids clothes + we buy some stuff for Mama & Papa (more gift like).......

They never ask for anything - last time down we took Mama to Big C and bought her a brand new fridge....the old one was clearly on it's last legs and the door wouldn't seal.....we never said a word about it since because face might possibly be involved and don't want to one up anyone - just make life a little better for good people......

I've also been looking at a good washing machine to upgrade their old two drum type & thinking about a hot shower water heater as they all enjoy the hot showers here when they come up our way.....that I would like to install to make sure the wiring and grounding is correct.....

As for money, if asked, I'd adopt what I did for my kids in the US.....some was for impromptu "gift" purposes (probably not a real good idea here away from kids)....but if money were needed it was given as a loan with a promise to pay back - I handled it more like a credit limit more than anything else with no time frame - out of 4 only one paid back and most of the time the others never acknowledged receipt or gave a thank you......the other 3 would contact the "good" daughter (unfortunately no longer with us) and ask - hey - how can we get more money out of Dad????? She tell them - "it's easy - just do what I do - - - - pay him back" - end of conversation......

Edited September 5, 2014 by pgrahmm

[sipi]

I say the same thing, I love my wife so within limits I help them. People do the same in the west. If your wife's mother has to go into a nursing home and they can't afford a good one, but you can, you'll help them out, it's natural, so why should it be different here. The only difference is here most westerners are married to poorer farm girls so their families tend to need more help than a western lady's family. Oh within limits means excluding good for nothing relatives that do nothing to help themselves.

Yes George,I agree entirely. Your quote "their families tend to need more help than a western lady's family" includes a $2 belt for the tractor, hey "a couple of beers". They ask for nothing. Thank you for your kind reply.

[sipi]

OP, I'll tell you a secret.

The best moments in my life in Thailand, is when I give some money and a wai to my mother in law.

You should see her eyes and facial expression, to appreciate what I am talking about.

I wish I could give her more.

I hear you Costas. I used to great my wifes mother with "Sawadee Khup Ma". She smiled. Until my wife explained that I was actually saying "Good morning dog". "Sawadee Khup Mer" is apparently "Good morning Mum"...But that was 10 years ago.

[theguyfromanotherforum]

You can do whatever you want with your money? I choose to help MY family.

[rucus7]

You can do whatever you want with your money? I choose to help MY family.

Please expand on who YOUR family entails.

[pgs]

You can do whatever you want with your money? I choose to help MY family.

Agree with you there. Mrs calls the sisters /aunts/ friends & it's "how is my brother" then "how are you" - pretty much from day 1.

The younger ones are more inclined to ask for cash, but it is not encouraged. The most selfish as a kid has turned herself around, which was great. Now studying nursing.

Miss my Thai family. Must be visit time.

[Munger]

I say the same thing, I love my wife so within limits I help them. People do the same in the west. If your wife's mother has to go into a nursing home and they can't afford a good one, but you can, you'll help them out, it's natural, so why should it be different here. The only difference is here most westerners are married to poorer farm girls so their families tend to need more help than a western lady's family. Oh within limits means excluding good for nothing relatives that do nothing to help themselves.

Yes George,I agree entirely. Your quote "their families tend to need more help than a western lady's family" includes a $2 belt for the tractor, hey "a couple of beers". They ask for nothing. Thank you for your kind reply.

So you dont help then, except for a $2 belt for the tractor, and whats this nonsense about a western ladys family ?

[David48]

sipi, may I ask, how much you send to help the family and what are the Family's circumstances?

Parents working? Retired? Farmers? etc.

Assuming it goes to your wife's parents, what contributions do the other Family members contribute?

How do you send the money?

What other major help have you given them?

As you can see ... curiosity has got this cat ...

.

[jacky54]

I will help them as long as they will help me when needed, so far it's one way traffic though. They got along without you before you turned up and will get along without you after you have gone so I will only help with extreme emergencies.

[David48]

You can do whatever you want with your money? I choose to help MY family.

Just to clarify ... are you married to a Thai?

Is her Family then also not your Family?

Assuming you are married to a Thai, would your wife not help your Family, if not in monetary terms, in other ways?

Just asking.

.

[noahvail]

Two years ago, a bought my MIL a western-style washing machine to replace her Thai-style one that had died 3 times in two months. Not only was that look there, but she still hasn't stopped talking to her neighbors about it.

Another thing I do is keep her knives and garden tools sharp. Out here in our little village in Isaan, it's the husband's job to keep the tools sharp, and face comes into play. Well, my FIL died 33 years ago, and unless she bought a new cheap knife, she only had dull ones. Well, now she's quite happy to sit out in the front of her house and prepare veggies while talking with friends and neighbors, and showing off her sharp knives.

But the entire family has never asked me for anything except rides to doctors or funerals. If they did, and if I could afford it, I'd help my Thai family, just as I help my western family.

[choochoo]

call a spade a spade. Bribing them to like you.

Enough with the phrase HELPING a family. Just give what you want to promote family harmony. Like previous guy said they live a long time wo your 2$ im sure they will live a long time wo it also.

Edited September 5, 2014 by choochoo

[choochoo]

Two years ago, a bought my MIL a western-style washing machine to replace her Thai-style one that had died 3 times in two months. Not only was that look there, but she still hasn't stopped talking to her neighbors about it.

Another thing I do is keep her knives and garden tools sharp. Out here in our little village in Isaan, it's the husband's job to keep the tools sharp, and face comes into play. Well, my FIL died 33 years ago, and unless she bought a new cheap knife, she only had dull ones. Well, now she's quite happy to sit out in the front of her house and prepare veggies while talking with friends and neighbors, and showing off her sharp knives.

But the entire family has never asked me for anything except rides to doctors or funerals. If they did, and if I could afford it, I'd help my Thai family, just as I help my western family.

What would have happened if you didnt by the wash machine. Would she love you as a son in law?

Marring into dirt poor family isnt like marrying into a western family. Lot of differing dynamics.

Edited September 5, 2014 by choochoo

[sipi]

sipi, may I ask, how much you send to help the family and what are the Family's circumstances?

Parents working? Retired? Farmers? etc.

Assuming it goes to your wife's parents, what contributions do the other Family members contribute?

How do you send the money?

What other major help have you given them?

As you can see ... curiosity has got this cat ...

.

Thank you David for your sincere questions.

Parents working? No. They are "retired".

Parents family contribute what they can afford, as we all do.

I either turn up in person with cash in hand, or they have authority to withdraw from my debit account, at an ATM.

What other help have I given them? My wife planted 3 paw-paw trees on their house block, if that counts, Cost me nothing.

Thank you David for your sincere questions.

Curiosity has got the cat.. Good news David. Please let your curiosity lead you..

I might add. I look after their daughter. What else can a parent ask for??

[sipi]

I say the same thing, I love my wife so within limits I help them. People do the same in the west. If your wife's mother has to go into a nursing home and they can't afford a good one, but you can, you'll help them out, it's natural, so why should it be different here. The only difference is here most westerners are married to poorer farm girls so their families tend to need more help than a western lady's family. Oh within limits means excluding good for nothing relatives that do nothing to help themselves.

Yes George,I agree entirely. Your quote "their families tend to need more help than a western lady's family" includes a $2 belt for the tractor, hey "a couple of beers". They ask for nothing. Thank you for your kind reply.

So you dont help then, except for a $2 belt for the tractor, and whats this nonsense about a western ladys family ?

I'll start again for those of "us' who didn't understand. They ask for nothing...

[choochoo]

giving when not asked could cause loss of face. Giving implies receivee not able to handle themselves....

[sipi]

Ummm Choo choo, Pardon??

[noahvail]

Two years ago, a bought my MIL a western-style washing machine to replace her Thai-style one that had died 3 times in two months. Not only was that look there, but she still hasn't stopped talking to her neighbors about it.

Another thing I do is keep her knives and garden tools sharp. Out here in our little village in Isaan, it's the husband's job to keep the tools sharp, and face comes into play. Well, my FIL died 33 years ago, and unless she bought a new cheap knife, she only had dull ones. Well, now she's quite happy to sit out in the front of her house and prepare veggies while talking with friends and neighbors, and showing off her sharp knives.

But the entire family has never asked me for anything except rides to doctors or funerals. If they did, and if I could afford it, I'd help my Thai family, just as I help my western family.

What would have happened if you didnt by the wash machine. Would she love you as a son in law?

Marring into dirt poor family isnt like marrying into a western family. Lot of differing dynamics.

Well, what interesting statements and questions you pose, choochoo!

First, it's hardly a bribe. She's just frugal, which is why she kept trying to have the old one fixed. But that was two years ago, and I married her daughter six years ago without sinsot. And I believe the family has taken me in as one of their own, with love, which is reciprocated.

Ever seen a dirt-poor western family, choo-choo? I have, lots of them. And they're still human beings, be they western, african, asian, white, brown, yellow, red, or green. Or didn't you know that, choochoo? Is your range of experience so limited? Yes, there are lots of different dynamics, but those have more to do with culture, level of education, and one's personal sense of place within one's world, whatever or wherever your world might be.

As for dirt poor, I don't know if that was aimed at my Thai family. My MIL's net worth is greater than mine, her son who has a master's in public health and is an area manager earns a decent salary and moonlights to afford his house, which is worth more than mine. My SIL has a double degree in traditional thai medicine and thai massage, and is the regional head of department. My wife ran an NGO for 8 years till I took her away from all that, and the other brother is a dirt-poor subsistence rice farmer with a paid-for 3/4 of a million baht Kubota sitting in his driveway. Yet, their culture is very Thai. My wife has gotten used to most of my western gadgets, makes a great som tam as well as Thai-western fusion meals. But she has no desire to leave Thailand, even for a 3-day weekend; she says everything she needs is here in Thailand. Pretty cool, from my perspective.

[benalibina]

Gave my wife, then gf, after 2 months staying with her, 17.000 bth to repair leaking roof of her mums house in village. When our son was 5 months ol, 18 months later, she told me the money was not used for repairing the roof ??

Just before our son was born she asked me about supporting her mom monthly. I said that i will double what her 2 brothers and 2 sisters put in. Silence, never heard anything after that.

Circles circles......

[geronimo]

My marriage to a Thai was rather a sobering experience. Unbeknown to me, a couple of foreigners had married local girls in the next village and the husbands really splashed out, houses, pick ups, motorcycles and gold. We are talking twenty years ago and everyone, including MIL, was expecting to see lots of money / gifts / sinsod showere upon them,

Once I realised this, I took hold of a microphone and gave the following speech (in Thai)

"Hello everyone

,

I am deeply honoured to be marrying this young lady and to become a part of the family. I have spent my life wandering the earth looking for the right place for me. I never saved any money and I am poor but I have a heart of gold. I will promise to take care of my wife and any children we have and anything left over I would be happy to give my new mother."

This was received with a rapturous round of applause and since that day, not one has ever asked me for anything. I always maintain that 99% of all family problems in Thailand are caused by lack of communication. If you want to understand this culture, you must learn to speak the language.

I notice many posters in general (that's the only room I visit) bash the Thais and I suspect most of them have never had a real conversation with a Thai person. How can one make any comments about a race of people if one cannot communicate with them? Beyond me!

[sipi]

I say the same thing, I love my wife so within limits I help them. People do the same in the west. If your wife's mother has to go into a nursing home and they can't afford a good one, but you can, you'll help them out, it's natural, so why should it be different here. The only difference is here most westerners are married to poorer farm girls so their families tend to need more help than a western lady's family. Oh within limits means excluding good for nothing relatives that do nothing to help themselves.

Yes George,I agree entirely. Your quote "their families tend to need more help than a western lady's family" includes a $2 belt for the tractor, hey "a couple of beers". They ask for nothing. Thank you for your kind reply.

So you dont help then, except for a $2 belt for the tractor, and whats this nonsense about a western ladys family ?

Read it again. S l o w l y.

!: My wifes parents are reritired & know I look after their daughter, and ask for nothing, However..They have access to my money through a debit card.

2: We give them a few thousand baht each time we visit once or twice a year to help out.

3: I buy little things for her siblings ie A few beers or a tractor belt.

4: Please keep this a secret, but we also buy the nephews/ nieces clothing, presents, toys...

I posted this topic because there is an assumption that if you give money to your Thai in-laws, you are considered a sucker.

What "nonsense about a Western ladies family" ? I can't see this being different to being married to someone from another nationality. We spend a couple of hundred dollars a year on them, a few dollars a week. You can't even take a pack of biscuits to your "Western" inlaws for a coffee every fortnight for that. Don't even think about XMas presents. So many men belly-ache about "helping" their Thai Family..

[AnotherOneAmerican]

I don't know anyone in the west who ever gave their parents money.

I do know many in the west who received money from their parents, until their parents died.

So no, never helped my parents out, but they gave me loads.

(Same for my wife in America, her parents gave, we received)

I hope my children give me money, FAT CHANCE!

Edited September 6, 2014 by AnotherOneAmerican

[krisb]

Helping every once in a while is fine, thats fair enough if they can't work.

Just not all the time.

[sipi]

I don't know anyone in the west who ever gave their parents money.

I do know many in the west who received money from their parents, until their parents died.

So no, never helped my parents out, but they gave me loads.

(Same for my wife in America, her parents gave, we received)

I hope my children give me money, FAT CHANCE!

You're joking, That is terrible. My Thai wife and I, and my siblings look after my mother in Australia. Not just money, but around the house. My friends do the same. To us it goes without thinking.