Tuesday Jokes

[Jamesyboi]

The Hypnotist

It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude

Was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike mosthypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." the excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd of seniors became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes Followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly,it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "SHIT!" said the Hypnotist... It took three days to clean up the senior center.

The Flight Crew

The airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc .

Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."

Ed sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?"

When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."

"My God," said Ed, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit."

"That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We No Longer Call It The Cock Pit."

"It's The Box Office."

The Stranded Irishman

One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for

over10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself,

"It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer, he

began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.

Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting

aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a

drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him,

"Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over

and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve or her wet suit, and

pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag.

"Faith and begorrah,"said the man,

"that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey?"

asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied,

"Ten years." Hearing that,the blonde reaches over to

her right sleeve unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to

him. He opened the flask and took a long drink.

"Tis nectar of the gods!" stated the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of

her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and

asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed,

"Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"

[Grover]

haha. The Irish joke was good.