Battle over the wipe

[jasonc]

Ok, how can this be resolved...

The questions I have always had are, "How do they do that?" "What IS the technique?" "How do the mechanics of this work?"

Can true love really exist between two very different methodologies and opinions? Both sides think the other is vulgar, uncivilized and distrusting. I don't see either side winning the augment.

I think using a splash of water and the occasional hand wipe is too close for comfort. I literally don't want that sh*t on my hands. I also don't know what you do after your soaking wet. Do you hang around for 5 min and air dry? Do you aim the water up or down? What about splash? And just how does the bucket of water help? How do you keep your trousers from getting wet? At least the spray gun has some directional force... AWAY FROM MY LEGS THANK YOU!!! I always revert to complete nakedness before I even attempt such a thing, followed by a complete shower.

She thinks the paper smear is repulsive and unclean. A smear is a smear, not a cleansing. 

I relatively new to the whole (not the hole) experience and am wondering if I'm just a complete idiot or maybe I will have a change of attitude. Maybe I'll return home someday and install my own spray gun or better yet a hole in the floor.

Please shed some light on this area where the sun never shines. :laugh:

Potty humor is so childish, I know...

[Bob Chittie]

Go with the spray and then follow with the wipe. If no spray is available and its justa bucket of water, I turn around and walk the other way.

[pnustedt]

You've just answered a question that has been puzzling me for a while.

When I stay in my mum-in-law's house there usually about ten people staying there. There's always a toilet roll in the loo but it never seems to get smaller, unless I use it!

I always try to carry a pack of tissues with me - I thought the bucket was just for flushing the pan!

[samuisam]

I wound up using soap and water like when you shower.  The best!  Also, they've been selling this stuff in America which is gelled isopropyl alchohol in a little bottle that you can carrry around with you - great for sterilizing your hands on the road in SE asia.

Purell is one brand name

[ExpatsClub]

I know people will think..."oh no, not another of Joern's sh*t postings..." but since you are a newcomer I will try to help you anyway.

I agree that the spray gun is great. Actually, the spray gun was initially imported from USA many years ago, to be used as a dish washer. I know the (Thai / Chinese) importer, who then started to use it in the toilets here in Thailand.

If you only hang around in Bangkok, you can always find great Farang toilets in the hotels, some fairly good ones at Central and other Department stores. But if you intend to go upcountry, or visit gas stations, small restaurants, etc. around in town for your potty visit, you're in trouble, because they all use the "holes"

So here is the first instruction manual for potty training male adult farangs in Thailand:

1. Open the door to the toilet. Walk in.

2. Close the door to the toilet...if possible

3. Survey the water situation...is there any water at all

4. Look for the nail to hang your trousers on

5. No nail...you're in trouble...be innovative

6. Take of your trousers & shoes, underwear, be careful, there may be "waste water" on the floor, don't let your trousers / feet touch the floor.

7. Hang your trousers on the nail. Check the "hanging" situation. If not proper hanged...they may fall down during

your intimate relationship with the hole. So check

8. If no nail, hang your trouser around your neck. Be careful of loose coins, wallets, etc., they may fall out.

9. Take of your socks, put your socks in your trouser's right pocket. Stuff your underwear there too.

10. Put on your shoes again, you don't want your bare feet on the floor.

10A. Do your stuff.

11. After finishing your stuff...take your tissue paper from the left pocket in your trousers... WHAT... I can't hear you!... Oh. YOU didn't bring any tissue paper. Oh my Gawd..

12. No tissue - scoop water in the small bowl, try to splash on your backside (you know where) at the same time while using a hand to rub away any "leftovers" - try not to think about it, pretend it is actually Jennifer Lopez doing it for you (if you're gay, Elton John will do).

13. But if you are the smart guy I think you may be, you have brought sheets of tissue with you in your right pocket, so after finishing your stuff, splash water ON THE TISSUE, and wipe your a.. (sorry, I meant your... you know what I mean). Do this 2 or three times and finish of with tissue, without any water. You'll be clean as a newborn baby.

14. Stand up from your sitting position...that's already a marvelous feat, especially after a "bad day" - sitting with your knees bended for an extended period of time is not so easy for us farang. And it is even more difficult to stand up after.

15. Put on your underwear and trousers.  Don't let the trousers touch the floor. Maybe roll them up to the knee before you put them on, it makes it easier to put them on without getting wet (after all, you have already spilled so much water on the floor during your rinsing process, that NOW the floor is wet for sure.

16. Open the door

17. Put on your socks when you're outside

18. Start whistling - you made it - you have passed the test, are now a Thailand "old hand"

19. Go pick up your Certificate of Achievement from the Ministry of Thai Culture. Talk to Khun Uraiwan.. she doesn't know me, but she will whenyou go there and tell about my FREE Expats Potty Training Manual.

Joern

Bangkok Expats Club

[wilson steer]

Why all this fuss? Why not do what I do; Upon awakening in the morning, evacuate your bowels, then take a shower and clean yourself with soap. Dress for the day and avoid all public toilets except for essential urination. This way you should never need to go to dreadful public toilets!

[Rambutan]

Yes Wilson you are right!

I also always wonder what's the problem with the toillet?

I think the Asian toilet is far superior than the western one.

I've had always a strange feeling using a public western toilet even at a friends place. I could not bear the thought of having direct skin contact with the seat, which has had propably been in contact with many other skins before and the cleanliness of thoose was unclear.

I have such a Asian toilet at home and I do not want to use a "westener" again.

After doing it fo a while your muscles will gain more power and you will not have any more problems. It is indeed some kind of traning as well. Apart from that it is much more healthy to do the "Asian".

[wolf5370]

I have a farang friend who is really rather large - I mean in excess of 20 stone. When confronted with the Thai toilet he sits right down on it to go - yuk!

Fine for the motor way loos where you can hang your togs up etc, but its the real countryfied toilets that get me. All wooden with more holes than wall! Stipped up to the waist, no lock on the door, and someone comes crashing in...maybe I'm just a prude!

Personally, I don't mind the hole-in-the-ground bogs, I am more concerned about the stench in some of them. Nothing worse than crouching and projectile vomitting at the same time - try that without landing down the pan! Stripped to the waist also means bitten where you really could do without - mossie wise at least.

[Roger13]

my FREE Expats Potty Training Manual.

Joern

Bangkok Expats Club

Hi Joern,

Thanks for your manual - but:

12. No tissue - scoop water in the small bowl, try to splash on your backside (you know where) at the same time while using a hand to rub away any "leftovers

should read "using your LEFT hand to rub away ..."

Hence the reason why eating is confined to the Right hand

and why it is polite to give or take anything with the right hand.

I agree - I have to remove my trousers completely

to use an Asian Loo - but I beleive asians manage

without doing so ... ???

dreadful public toilets!

Note for Overseas Readers:

95% of Public Toilets in LOS are spotless.

Roger

[Dexlowe]

Arabs have a great insult: "You foul son of the left-hand."

Well, maybe not so great. Especially when they cut it off if you knick something you're not entitled to. Which leaves you with the problem of wiping your hole with your right hand, which you also use for eating. And then, how do you hold the water scoop and wipe at the same time? And what do you do when you come out of the toilet and have to shake hands with your friends?

Use the <deleted>' spray gun, guys. It's the cleanest way of wiping yourself and saves two trees a year. And don't steal anything when you're in Saudi bloody Arabia.

[simon43]

Know all about this wiping the bum with your left-hand and not using that hand for eating or anything else....but what about us left-handers? Can't be seen writing with dirty fingernails

But agree with the previous postings. Go in the morning, have a good shower and then greet the day with a smile on your face and a happy bum....

[ExpatsClub]

Roger13

You are of course right about the "left" hand thing... and the "politeness" of the right hand in accordance with Thai Culture. The reason for the right hand thing is, that in earlier days, Thais didn't eat with fork and knife (spoon), but solely used the hands (still do in some eating situations)

Simon43

The reason I didn't mention the thing about the left hand was really because this is a farang forum, not a Thai forum, and not all farang follows / knows Thai rules and custom, and also  what Simon mention...he is a left hander.

My "manual" was written in a ten minutes fun "inspiration" because of the original posters concern. I intend actually to improve on the manual, just for the fun of it.

Next step F.ex: what about soap, after your trip to the toilet...?

You see, the manual still not complete.

Re: Public toilets...correct too, if you are talking about the new shining, stainless steel ones, (2 or 3 Baht fee) or those in several parks around in Bangkok. I was more referring to upcountry, where there is a problem with clean toilets.

However, it is very good and very important to point out the good sides too, so we don't scare off tourists and visitors. thinking that we are a bunch of savages here.

Joern

Bangkok Expats Club

email: bangkok-expats-club@linuxmail

[Roger13]

Upon awakening in the morning, evacuate your

bowels, ... and avoid all public toilets except for

essential urination.

Hi Wilson & Simon,

IF ONLY !!!!

You must be very fortunate if you can

evacuate your bowels on demand every morning.

Wouldn't everyone - if they could !

In the past I have had to delay my programme

to have a successful visit to the Loo before

venturing out - especailly in India.

Do you have a Secret to share that ensures

evacuation every morning ?

I hope this is not sounding farcical - I am serious.

I truely wish I could do this.

I now take "Fybogel" after breakfast

(to assist the process the FOLLOWING morning)

and a mug of Hot Ginger Tea when I get up

from Bed ... but still have to wait many times ...

Roger

[Roger13]

You are of course right about the "left" hand thing... and the "politeness" of the right hand in accordance with Thai Culture. The reason for the right hand thing is, that in earlier days, Thais didn't eat with fork and knife (spoon), but solely used the hands (still do in some eating situations)

Hi Joern,

As mention of ASIAN toilets was made

I was not limiting my remarks to Thailand.

In India for example eating with the hands

is very common - and friends of mine who

are quite at home with Knife Fork & Spoon in

a western Restaurant - much prefer to use

their hands when in a local restaurant

- some say the food tastes better when

eaten with the (Right) hand.

Very Happy to hear there will be a new

improved edition of the manual.

Hope you keep para 11 - it had me really curled up

- grease to your elbow ...

11. After finishing your stuff...take your tissue paper from the left pocket in your trousers... WHAT... I can't hear you!... Oh. YOU didn't bring any tissue paper. Oh my Gawd..

Roger

[simon43]

Roger13 - I seem to have healthy bowels (!) due to the awful food and cooking that I was subjected to in my childhood by my beloved mother - After eating that stuff I can face any types of food (...well might have a few issues with street-food in India ...)

I just thought of the best way to keep your botty clean.  In England i use wet tissues on my little kid's bums.  You can buy them in Boots and they flush down the loo. I'm sure you can buy them in Thailand..(or maybe I just thought of some great import business...)

[buasaard]

I agree that the spray gun is great

Are you sure ?

Think well how much anti-hygienic the spray gun is. After evacuated you spray, small , very small pieces of sh*t full of bacteria jump back on the gun. Next people , no problem for us males , but think to the women ,spray again and the bacteria jumps taken by the water ... well you know where.

So genital and urinary infections.

After of course the infection comes back to husbands.

This is not paranoic, this happened to me and my wife , we had recurrent genito-urinary infections.

A doctor in the end, had the brilliant idea, we threw away the gun and the problem never came again.

Males can use , but women better not.

[wilson steer]

Yes, fair point about the spray gun having a hygiene question mark over it. But I wash my spray gun regularly with dettol so the bits of poo are washed off and it is clean for my partner to spray on her front-bottom!

[Dexlowe]

Wow, this is the most enlightening thread I have read in a long time. In my wildest dreams, I would never have thought of washing my bum-cleansing spray gun with Dettol. Thanks for that, wilson. Waking up today has not been a complete waste of time after all. But as I angle the spray gun when I point it toward my anal cavity, there's no chance of dangly bits of excreta falling onto the head of the device. However the water pressure could force said bits of excreta towards the bottom of the Iliac sac that extends beneath my testicles, which might explain the chronic itching I get in my groin. Do you recommend that I should wash my groin every day with Dettol?

[wilson steer]

This chronic itching in the area of the testes could be the result of a fungal infection. These type of skin infections are common in the tropics and warm and moist areas are breeding grounds for skin irritations.

I can recommend miconazole nitrate 2.00%

This is sold in Thailand as 'Lymarin Cream' cost:50 baht for a tube 5g. It works very well.

Also, clean the ablution hose to prevent further problems! In the tropics, hygeine is #1!

[plachon]

Guys,

I always knew this forum would get to the nexus of the problem of Asian living one day. For a moment there I was worried that Joern was going to run off without washing his hands, after all that elaborate ritual, but he saved himself in the nick of time.

Firstly, I don't think the left hand is as popular for doing the biz as people are making out. Thais are pretty ambidextrous people and I'd say there are at least as many left handers around as in the West. But they are also fastiduously clean, so either they're doing spotless shits (and having no hair in that region eminates any unwanted cling-ons) or they all carry secret supplies of soap and bog paper around on their person and just don't let on. Coz the public dunnies upcountry lack both half the time. It might also explain why they don't shake hands at all, but wai instead.

Secondly, I get round the problem during journeys round the sticks by eating vast quantities of kao-nieow (hard to avoid here in Isaan), which blocks me up for days on end, with no seeming ill-effects. At the end, I just switch back to kao-jao and..... Bob's your uncle - regular as clockwork again. No worries about crappy khazis and no matter what other creepy crawlies and asstd. wildlife you eat, it's all bound in there like magic for the duration.

Agree too with posters who think that Asian squat jobs are superior to the Western ones, but I just wish they'd teach Thais (& Japs) how to use the latter ones at school, which would save the next person the disgusting sight of finding footprints all over the seat!

[buasaard]

my spray gun regularly with dettol

Yes, this minimizes the risk, but to eliminate it completely, it should be done every time someone defecates.

This chronic itching in the area of the testes could be the result of a fungal infection

And infact the "candida albicans" fungus is the most common in faecis, it is not normally pathological in the intestine , but it

could spread on skin (or in the urinary tract)

and give problems.

In the tropics, hygeine is #1!

Fully agree!

[Thetyim]

Wet tissues, dry tissues, bowls of water what next.

I always use the bog brush, works a treat .

[wolf5370]

If you ever decide to take a boat ride from the pier by Wat Phra Kaew (Grand Palace - Emerald Buddha). There is a public toilet on the pier - it costs 5B and is seriously the most disgusting place on the planet. I credit myself with a fairly strong stomach, but this toilet is soooo badly looked after that it makes your eyes water and your lunch reappear with gusto. It leaves you too weak to demand your money back from the crone that collected you entrance fee. I noticed later that Thais avoided it completely - and peed in the river instead. There is a restaurant on the pier that directs you to this toilet as it has not one of its own.  

[wilson steer]

Some of the worst toilets in Thailand are on long-haul buses. They stink so bad I try not to use them. Also at Khon Khaen bus station they have the bare-faced ordacity to charge 3 baht for entrance into the worlds worst toilet, ankle deep raw sewage and more species of flies than the London Natural History Museum!

[tutsiwarrior]

The technique was revealed to me by a girl friend in Indonesia some years ago...including a demonstration. If wearing long trousers, for sure you have to remove them for a squat toilet (if you wear long trousers on a daily basis you probably have recourse to a western toilet in your work place...shorts are not a problem).

Make sure that there is a bucket with a dipper in the toilet (if not then move along to the next one). After evacuating take a dipper of water in your right hand and while squatting over the hole pivot your right elbow on your right knee in a swinging action while using wrist action to have the water reach its' target. Sounds complicated but after some practice works a treat. You got to get your fingers in there but usually there is plenty of water to wash up with afterwards (faeces-phobia is a western thing).

Pretty weird having an attractive woman demonstrating toilet hygiene to a 45 year old man. Good sex after the demonstration as I remember.

[Thetyim]

What a fascinating thread this is.

I agree with all the advice so far .

The only thing I have to add is that when using a public toilet and faced with the propect of stripping to the waist there is never somewhere to hang your clothes .

I always carry two short lengths of coathanger wire.

Use one to make a clothes hook and one to make a loo roll holder.

[edd]

I fully understand the probolems involved with Thai toilets.

My problem was always that at the end of the operation the target to be cleaned appeared to move away when i bent down to clean it.

So when we had our Falang house built in the village it was to have a PROPER TOILET.

Now i was informed by the builder that i needed a SES PIT.

Now what i know about ses pits is nothing so he explained how they use one large drain ring on its side for the tank.

This to me seemed to small (thinking that it would hold the water and wast untill it was sucked out by one of thoes big machines that every one stopps to watch)

Now in England an average house uses about 80 gallons of water each day SO a one ring ses pit WELL i could fill one of thoes in a day {i didnt realise that the water ran out and just left the solid matter behind}.

This news that i could fill a standard pit in ONE DAY went around the village like wild fire.

After that and before our proper bog was finished every time i used my mother-in-laws Thai toiled half the village came to see the falang (yes there is a door) .

It did wonders for my reputation

[WilliamIV]

If wearing long trousers,for sure you have to remove them for a squat toilet

My Asian friends assure me they do NOT remove any clothing

[andy50]

"faeces phobia is a western thing" (tutiswarrior) i hope this thread doesnt turn into a faeces fetish! :laugh:

[tutsiwarrior]

What a fascinating thread this is.

I agree with all the advice so far .

The only thing I have to add is that when using a public toilet and faced with the propect of stripping to the waist there is never somewhere to hang your clothes .

I always carry two short lengths of coathanger wire.

Use one to make a clothes hook and one to make a loo roll holder.

What a remarkable idea. If fabricated in collapsable passive-resistive titanium to be carried about in one's billfold and marketed to queasy expats throughout the Third World one could make a fortune.

We must discuss before unscrupulous Asians pirate the concept...