Beachcomber
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Posts posted by Beachcomber
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I haven't read through the whole 7 pages of this thread so sorry if this has been mentioned before.
Any one who does not comprehend that parking in front of someone els'e drive way is not good behavior is obviously living in a different version of reality.
It is pointless to try normal rational discussions/arguments with such a person, they are not in the same orbit as you.
You have to think and act outside the box. Just don't let anyone know it's you.
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where do snowmen go to dance ..
A Snowball
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My friend asked, “My kid refuses to eat fish. What do you think is a good replacement?”
Me: Cats. Cats love fish
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What’s another name for Santa’s helpers?
Subordinate clauses.
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For their Christmas present, we took the kids to an orchard and stood there looking at the trees for over half an hour.
On the way back, all they did was moan and cry..... apparently it was not the Apple Watch they had wanted off Santa!
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I've decided, that from January 1st, I'll only be watching videos in 1080p or higher.
It's my New Year's Resolution.
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* Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
* Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?
* Does killing time damage eternity?
* Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
* Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
* Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
* Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
* Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
* Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?
* Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
* Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
* Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
* Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
* Do pilots take crash-courses?
* Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
* Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
* Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
* Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
* How can there be self-help "groups?"
* How do you get off a non-stop flight?
* How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
* How many weeks are there in a light year?
* If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
* If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
* If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
* If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
* If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?
* If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
* If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
* If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
* If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
* If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
* Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
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What's the difference between an orphan and an apple?
An apple gets picked
😞
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My Partner wanted to get into "role play" to spice things up in the bedroom. "Let's play doctor", they said.
I told them to go in the bedroom, shut the door, and to take off all of their clothes.
After half an hour I walked in, told them to lose 30 lbs, and handed them a bill for $300.-
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A Scotsman visits his doctor. He pulls his kilt up and says doctor you have to help me I'm going crazy.
The doctor says I can clearly see your nuts.
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Everyone was excited at the Autopsy Club.
It was open Mike night
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What do you call a man with an axe in his head?
An Ambulance.
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It was so cold yesterday my computer froze…
It was my own fault though, I left too many windows open.
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You can’t fart in an Apple store!!
Why?
Because they don’t have Windows!
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Just been to the gym at work today, because they've just got a new machine in.
I Only used it for about half an hour though, as I started to feel sick.
It's great, though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.-
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What, walks, talks, flies and is all the colours of the rainbow, but if it fell on you it would kill you?
A 100 ton Parrott-
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What’s worse than a lobster on a piano?
Crabs on your organ.-
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Coming out of the local church, I saw £20 on the floor.
I picked it up, and said to myself "What would Jesus Do?"
So I went to the nearby supermarket and turned it into wine.....-
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I replaced my rooster with a duck.
Now I wake up at the quack of dawn.-
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The Ant & the Grasshopper in 2008
Two Different Versions!
Two Different Morals!OLD VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
Building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and
Dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is
Warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter,
So he dies out in the cold.MORAL OF THE STORY:
Be responsible for yourself!
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MODERN VERSION:The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
Building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and
Dances and plays the summer away.Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press
Conference and demands to know why the ant should be
Allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and
Starving.CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of
The shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his
Comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is
Stunned by the sharp contrast.How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this
Poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and
Everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green.'Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the
Ant's' house where the news stations film the group
Singing, 'We shall overcome.' Jesse then has the
Group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's
Sake.Nancy Pelosi & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with
Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the
Grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the
Ant to make him pay his fair share.Hillary and Barack go on national television agreeing that
The plight of the grasshopper is the fault of George Bush.Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity &
Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the
Summer.The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number
Of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his
Retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the
Government.Obama gets his old law firm to represent the grasshopper in
a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried
Before a panel of federal judges that Bill Clinton
Appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the
Last bits of the ant's food while the government house
He is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house,
Crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.The ant has disappeared in the snow.
The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident
And the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of
Spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.MORAL OF THE STORY:
Be careful who you vote for...-
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Plastic Bag over the head.
I've had a couple of dogs that were beyond any medical help and no vet would put down.
Held their legs incase there was any last minute twitching but they just passed away peacefully.
One lady dog had a very bad infection with half her rear end hanging out, and was lying in her own mess with those biting red ants all over her.
Yet the vet would do nothing.
I am an animal lover and hate to see any unnecessary suffering in any creature.
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Why did the not Duck cross the road
To prove that he was not a Chicken!
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I had a friend who could only do things spontaneously
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We called him Oliver Sudden
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I cant remember this 6 years ago, did it just pass me by
in UK & Europe Topics and Events
Posted
Really good series of Air Crash Investigations and Mayday Air Crash Investigations available from Extra Torrent and various other places.
Very interesting and well presented series, well worth a watch.