Beachcomber

In a show of personal wit, three top students were competing in the classroom one morning to gain the status of who is the smartest and most clever.
The teacher tried to work it out for them with a challenge to decide the outcome by asking each student to answer the same question using  three components in their answer.
The first component must be the name of a fruit.
The Second component must include something a person wears.
The third component must include something a dog can do.
The question is:
Using the 3 components only, give the best description of an old person
The first student was Karen, after a four-minute thought she replied:
Raisin Coverall Bark with an explanation of raisin for wrinkles, coverall for the entire old person will be covered with bark being the skins texture: a definition of an old person.
The next student was Adam, who was laughing at her stupid answer, and after only two minutes of pause his answer was cleverer than Karen’s which was:
Prune trousers sit, Adam knew he had won with his definition of an old person.
Finally, it was Johnny’s shot, and without a moments hesitation he shouted really fast:
“Cherry Hat Tricks”
Johnny aced it.

Yesterday, I Managed to book a table for Valentines Day tonight..

I am sure the wife will enjoy watching me and my mates playing snooker

Two people went to a costume party. One was dressed as a chicken, the other as an egg. They hit it off and ended up spending the night together. Between them, they were able to finally answer the age old question. It was the chicken.

Why did the skeleton break up with her boyfriend before Valentine's Day?

Her heart wasn't in it.

"Welcome to the Psychiatric Care Hotline ...
"Welcome to the Psychiatric Care Hotline.

If you have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are Co-Dependent, have someone press 2 for you, now.

If you have Multiple-Personality-Disorder, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, press 7.

If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, press 7.

If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, press 7.

If you are Fatalistic-Suicidal, it doesn't matter what button you press. Nothing will happen anyway.

If you are Paranoid-Schizophrenic, you may hang up now. We know who you are. And where you live."

2 antennas got married on a rooftop. Not much of a ceremony, but the reception was excellent.

At an art exhibition two women were staring at a painting entitled, "Home for Lunch".

The painting was of three very naked, and very black men, sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis. The two women were standing there, staring at the picture, scratching their heads and trying to figure this out. The artist walked by and noticed the women's confusion. "Can I help you with this painting?" he asked.

"Well, yes" said the one woman. "We were curious about the picture of the black men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?"

"Oh," said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misunderstood the painting. The three men are not African-Americans, they're coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went "Home for Lunch."

To the original poster, deny everything.

Your word against the neighbor, did they actually see anything or just jumping on the bandwagon.

Even if there is a video deny its your car, deny, deny.

Once you even slightly admit something might have happened you open yourself up to a whole new can of worms.

24 minutes ago, BritManToo said:

Looks like they changed their mind.

It's their most popular show and they've just started filming season 3.

 

https://www.bt.com/tv/entertainment/clarksons-farm-season-3-release-date-kaleb-cooper-diddly-squat

That's good news ????????

Lazada do many sizes and combinations of rechargeable batteries.

I'm sure a search will bring up a right combination for your replacements.

Try a search for the name of your Solar light, may have a lead to replacement batteries.

If you are feeling adventures try some DIY spot welding on suitable batteries with a kit from Lazada.

https://www.lazada.co.th/products/protable-stop-welder-dc-12v-18650-lithium-battery-5mos-spot-welder-circuit-board-diy-kit-with-5-gears-for-cars-i3166477723.html?spm=a2o4m.searchlist.list.120.597745f2EqtFzH

https://www.lazada.co.th/products/12v-pcb-diy-18650-12v-spot-i4258200541.html?spm=a2o4m.searchlist.list.98.597745f2EqtFzH

????  

Alright so I've learned something. 

Fighter jets that can reach 60,000ft don't have machine guns only missiles.

Still leaves the question how the missile triggered in the proximity of the balloon?

29 minutes ago, stevenl said:

So you think you know better than the military about the best way to shoot this down.

So you think the military should never be questioned? A bit like Russia perhaps!

I'm sure they had good reason for using very expensive missile instead of a few rounds of bullets.

It would be interesting to hear from someone who actually knows about these things the reasons.

If you can grab the nut from underneath but don't have room to turn the spanner, hold the spanner and turn the tap.

Using a missile to shoot down a balloon seems like a bit of overkill.

Surely a short burst of bullets would have done the job and the balloon would have come down slowly without damaging the instruments.

As a point of curiosity I thought missiles needed something to guide and detonate them. Hot exhaust or proximity to metal, presumably neither of which the balloon had. 

????

20 hours ago, JonnyF said:

Harry and his wife accused "someone" in the Royal Family of having concerns over how dark their child's skin would be i.e. racism

This race thing is getting really stupid.

If you had a ginger mate married to a Lady of Color, shall we say, and she was expecting a baby you'd all be down the pub making bets on what color the kid would be.

Just normal, nothing racist about it.

I lost three fingers on my right hand, so I asked my doctor if I would still be able to write with it.

He said: “Maybe, but I wouldn't count on it.”

Congratulations to me!

With the British interest rates having increased dramatically, I have
just made my final mortgage payment!

I still owe £142,236.27p, but I'm just not going to pay them any more.

I once bought a wooden car. Wooden engine, wooden doors, wooden wheels, wooden seats, put the wooden key in the wooden ignition.

Wooden start.   

(Groan)

What's a forklift?

Food, usually...

I hate it when my girlfriend gets angry at me for being lazy,

its not like I've done anything.

Just found out my grandfather is addicted to Viagra,

nobody is taking it harder than grandma...

I sent my hearing aids in for repair three weeks ago, and I haven't heard anything since...