Beachcomber

Plastic Bag over the head.

I've had a couple of dogs that were beyond any medical help and no vet would put down. 

Held their legs incase there was any last minute twitching but they just passed away peacefully. 

One lady dog had a very bad infection with half her rear end hanging out, and was lying in her own mess with those biting red ants all over her.

Yet the vet would do nothing. 

I am an animal lover and hate to see any unnecessary suffering in any creature.

90.427% of bald people still own a comb.

They just can’t part with it.

My mom just found out I replaced her bed with a trampoline

She hit the roof

I hired a handyman and gave him a to-do list. When I got home only items 1, 3, and 5 got done.

Turns out he only does odd jobs.

A native puts his ear to the ground and says Bison come.
a cowboy says thats amazing how do you know that.
native replies  ear sticky

Think about it!

I put my phone under my pillow last night....

When I woke up it was gone and there was a £2 coin in it's place.

It was the Bluetooth Fairy!

The bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get you?”

“Pop,” goes the weasel.

A musician I know writes songs about sewing machines.
He is a singer songwriter.

The Indian restaurant my best friend works in are so secretive that he had to sign a legal agreement that he wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe.

it was their naan disclosure agreement.

 An Irish painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.

Over a short number of years, his fame grew, and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to Milltown in County Clare to get him to paint their likenesses.

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo, and asked if he would paint her in the nude. This being the first time anyone had made such a request, he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; moreover, she was willing to pay up to 10,000 pounds.

Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.

They talked much about the Rightness and Wrongness of it. It was hard to make the decision but finally his wife agreed, on one condition.

In a few minutes he returned. "The wife says it's okay. T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said. “I’ll paint you in the nude alright, but I have to leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes!

The inventor of autocorrect has died.

The funnel will be held tomato.

I accidentally took my cats meds this morning...

Don't ask meow!!

I hate the word "xenophobia"!!

it sounds so...  

foreign