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Beachcomber
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Posts posted by Beachcomber
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31 minutes ago, jvs said:
What was he doing in the UK anyway?
They have lorries in America, they just call them trucks, and yes I'm sure they have backs that things fall off --- off ????
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Some More Contenders for Worst Joke...................
Solving a Murder Case
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Q) what's the hardest part about solving a murder case in a trailer park?A) there's no dental records and all the DNA matches
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Breath Of Life
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I have just released my own fragrance.
The people sitting near me on the bus don't look like they appreciate it, though.
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Real State
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I Just found out that my uncle has left me a stately home in his will....However, I have no idea where Sod Hall is.
......... I'm just off to Google it now!
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Swallowing coins
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My sister, Paula, and her husband, Chris, had just finished tucking their young ones into bed one evening when they heard crying coming from the childrens' room. Rushing in, they found Tommy crying hysterically.He had accidentally swallowed a 5p piece and was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking could change his mind. Trying to calm him, Chris palmed a 5p coin that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to remove it from Tommy's ear. Tommy, naturally, was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it and demanded
cheerfully - 'Do it again, Dad!'
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Running on empty
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I asked my partner if the cup was half full or half empty.
She told me: For the last time, to stop wearing her bras.
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Roll with it
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Your veterinarian won't tell you this but if your dog is running a fever, go to the store and buy some mustard.It's the best thing for a hot dog.
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Smart Dog
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An American psychologist is selling a book that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ.Here’s how it works:
If you spend $22.99 for the book, your dog is smarter than you.
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Howler
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I told the nurse that I was bitten by a wolf.“Where?” she asked.....
“No, I said a normal wolf!”
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Stolen good
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Americas most prolific handler of stolen goods died today.
He fell off the back of a lorry.
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Changing times
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My mate asked me...“Are you sometimes surprised at how little people change?"
I said, "Actually the process is the same. They just have tiny clothes.”
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Going Bananas
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I can’t believe someone broke into my house and stole all of my fruit.I am peachless.
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New dating App.
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Q)Have you heard about the new dating app for arsonists??
A)Every week you get new 'matches'
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Good old Jonny
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Little Jonny was a school sitting at the back of the class as normal when the teacher notice him pulling at his crutchTeacher: Jonny what are you doing that for
Jonny: Well miss Yesterday if got circumsised and its really itchy today
Teacher: Oh dear go to the office and call you mother to pick you up
Jonny left the room and came back 10mins later and sat back at his chair, but this time he had his doodle out on display
Teacher: Oh my jonny what are you doing, I told you to call your mother and go home, now your here exposing yourself to everyone.
Jonny: Well miss mum said if I could just stick it out until lunch time she will come and get me!!!
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Pat
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I’ve been prescribed anti-gloating cream.
I can’t wait to rub it in.
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Knowing your place
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A telemarketer called and asked to speak to "the person who runs the household"I said "okay" and handed the phone to my 3 year old daughter
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Poem about digging
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I wrote a poem about digging.I dig, you dig,
He dig, she dig,
They all dig.It might not be a very beautiful poem, but you've got to admit it's really deep
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Control delete
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I can’t believe I just got sacked from the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting enough shifts in.
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Nice Ice Baby...
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Justice is a dish best served cold.If it were served warm, it would be justwater
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Unfortunately not everyone is as smart as you and would have no idea what the thing you asked for is used for.
I'm sure there's many members on here, me included, that surf the forum to see what others are up to, and perhaps pick up some ideas that could be useful for some of their own projects that they might have going.
Or even get ideas to solve some problem that they didn't know that there was an actual solution to.
It makes the forum more friendly ????
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7 hours ago, OneMoreFarang said:
Only because you don't understand it doesn't mean that there are no reasons.
It is always amazing in this forum when someone asks a simple question and then some people make it complicated because they don't understand it.
I won't tell you all the details why I want what I want. It doesn't matter. And if you don't understand it and have nothing to contribute then just skip this topic. That is best for all of us.
It's polite and makes the question more interesting to give a reason for your request for information.
An attitude of "I want to know how to do something but it's non of you business what for" is not really conjusive when asking for help.
Giving a little background on what you are trying to achieve will make your post more friendly and possibly get more people interested in bothering to provide an answer.
Anyway up to you
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Nothing to do with hate. I think "Gays" are delusional about their self importance. Most people don't care about, it's the constant "In Your Face" attitude that riles.
I think it's a mistake for the Equal Rights and Equality groups to align themselves with the Gays. These are serious important issues and to be associate together with a frivolous group like Gays will not do their serious cause any good at all.
Why do these Gay groups have to constantly remind everyone and themselves how absolutely Gay they are. Is this what defines them, is this what they are, just Gay?
I read somewhere someone asked the question "Is being Gay a fashion statement" I wasn't interested in reading the answer but it does seem to have some merit. The Vegans are considered a joke because of their persistence of informing anyone at every opportunity "I'm Vegan"
I think the Gays have surpassed that level of annoyance. Is that what defines them? Not I'm an Architect, Doctor, teacher, no the first thing is I'm Gay. How pathetically sad.
Many famous characters throughout history have been Gay, but are remembered for their achievements not for being Gay. Sadly the present generation will be remembered for their alternative lifestyle first, regardless of any achievements they may attain.
On here there are those who are known for their positive contribution to this forum. We get valuable information from posters about building, electric, medical issues and the like. These posters are known for what they are. Unfortunately, as in life, there are those who are only known for constantly wave the rainbow flag, and not much else.
It makes me sad that these "Alternative Lifestyle" groups have hijacked the Rainbow.
To kids all over the world the rainbow was a magical wondrous thing with pots of gold to find. Even when Green Peace used the Rainbow it was alright, saving the planet was good.
But now the Rainbow has lost it's magic. What can I tell my little girl when she gets all exited about seeing a Rainbow news clip, but then her face drops because of all the weird scary people prancing around like demented clowns.
How can I explain a tarnished Rainbow to her sad little face?
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Usually have to remove the top (a simple job) to get to the transporter bolts.
Difficult to spread the load on a front loader. Normally sorts itself out.
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A new service from "Opensubtitles.Com" allows you to translate subs into practically any language.
All done with AI so may not be perfect yet, but better than nothing if you can't find subs in your preferred language.
https://www.opensubtitles.org/en/subtitles/9580482/aladdin-2-the-return-of-jafar-en
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2 hours ago, DJ54 said:Why is there a special month needed……. What about all the peoples special month….
With all these "Pride" events constantly all round the globe seems like they're trying too hard to convince themselves that they are "so happy"
Why not just get on with their own peculiar life style without boring the rest of us.
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14 hours ago, proton said:
Irrelevant and absurd ceremony, I don't think many other European royals still do coronations. This nonsense should have ended with Charles the first getting beheaded, if only Cromwell had lived a bit longer they might never have crept back in. Even Rome almost never went for hereditary Emperors, and when they did it was usually a disaster. QE 2 did a good job, but it really is time to end this absurd system of a head of state appointed purely on who their parents were. As for the adulteress she is an utter disgrace.
You mean like Russia that got rid of their monarchy?
How do you feel that is working out ?
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On 4/1/2023 at 2:56 PM, NoshowJones said:
On TinyZone there is the whole lot of one of the UK's favourite soap's Crossroads, every time you click on it, it just does not work. How disappointing.
Lots of Crossroads on TVChaos:-
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Jesus and the Devil were talking arguing one day ... (Computer Wisdom)
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of
hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to
set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the
better job."So Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused.
They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent
e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job.But ten minutes before their time was up, lightening suddenly flashed
across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the
electricity went off.Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered
back on, and each of them restarted their computers.Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all
gone! I lost everything when the power went out!" Meanwhile, Jesus
quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours.
Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated, How did he do
it?"God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."
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My mum didn't like my spaghetti car
It pasta too fast
---------------------------------I bought some expensive laxatives from my pharmacy...
They gave me a good run for my money
------------------------------------I love my new job!! everyone is called by their first name, and ... My new colleagues even write names on the food in the office fridge.
I’m currently eating a yoghurt called Susan..... How cute!
--------------------------------------My wife has just said: "If I ever gets Alzheimer's I'd rather commit suicide than burden you with looking after me."
I said: "That's the fifth time you told me that today."
-------------------------------------I can’t take my dog to the park anymore. The ducks keep biting him.
I should have known this would happen..... He’s pure bread.
---------------------------------------I like girls the same way I like my guns..
with silencer
--------------------------------------My partners cat peed on my leather jacket the once, and I had to throw it away.....
The jacket came back fine from the drycleaners.
-------------------------------------I got a text saying that I've won either £100 cash or tickets to an Elvis Presley tribute act.
They said to press 1 for the money, 2 for the show...
------------------------------------I recently received a text from my partner saying
that they were breaking up with me.... I was devastated!Imagine how relieved I was when a couple of minutes later they texted “sorry wrong number”.
--------------------------------------I Went to the zoo yesterday, and saw a baguette in a cage....
The zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity.
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3 minutes ago, MikeandDow said:
no google , would not take advice from here without doing my own research
Nothing wrong with Google. I use it quite a lot but asking here gives local knowledge and local experience.
It could be argued that any question could be Googled and that would leave this forum pretty empty.????
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1 minute ago, MikeandDow said:
You need to research seen a subject sometime ago about this as u rightly said its the charging
If you are talking about the search function on here, it's easier just to ask the question again ????
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If you are a UK pensioner you will have the pleasure being eligible for non frozen UK pension. ????
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Just a side question.
Could I connect a car battery to give my UPS more backup time?
I know its no problem actually connecting an extra battery, but could the internal charging unit of the UPS cope with the additional load of an extra battery ?
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Did they at least give you a free carrier bag to take home your winnings?
Don't know how big 60 million in cash would be but I doubt you could stuff it all in your pockets ????
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1 hour ago, treetops said:
You should have read the next post. They haven't changed their mind at all.
Seems to be some confusion. According to the linked article
"we can expect season 3 is the beginning of 2024."
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I know a lot of jokes about retired people.
But none of them work.????
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An Irishman went for an interview with one of the major blue chip computer companies.
When the interview was over, the interviewer told him that all applicants had to complete a test. The interviewer took a piece of paper and drew six vertical lines in pairs of two on the paper and placed it in front of the Irishman.
“Could you please show me a clever way to make this into nine?”
After thinking for a while, the Irishman took the pencil, drew a canopy of leaves on top of the three pairs of lines, and handed the paper back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: “But that is not nine!”
“Oh yes, it is”, said the Irishman with a broad Irish accent, “Tree + Tree + Tree make nine!”
The interviewer returned the paper to the Irishman and asked him to make it 99.After thinking for a long while, the Irishman scribbled up and down the trunks and handed the paper back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: “But that is not ninety-nine!” “Oh yes, it is”, said the Irishman, “Dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree make ninety-nine.”
The interviewer was now a bit cheesed off, so he decided to do the Irishman once and for all; therefore, he handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 100.
After thinking for a considerably longer time, the Irishman suddenly grabbed the pencil, drew a little blop on the bottom right-hand side of each three, and handed the paper back to the interviewer. The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: “But that is not 100!”“Oh yes, it most certainly is”, said the Irishman with a much broader Irish accent,
“Dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and turd + dirty tree and a turd, make a 100
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I asked my boss for a raise because 3 companies are after me!
He asked me which ones?I replied: gas, water and electric!!
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My Dad is 95 years old and he doesn't even use glasses......
He drinks straight from the bottle.-
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Just read that by law you have to turn your headlights on when it’s raining in Sweden
How am I meant to know when it’s raining in Sweden from here in England?
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Got home from work today to find my kids have been on ebay all day.
If they are still there tomorrow I will lower the price!
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Bibby Stockholm: Asylum seekers warned over failure to board Dorset barge
in World News
Posted
Seems that these days the judges seem to be running the country. Don't seem to matter what party is in power and tries to make laws, the fringe activists and high court judges actually have the last word.
How much is all this delay costing the British taxpayer? Money that could be used to help our own homeless, poor and pensioners. Who would appreciate the help.
Anyway I though the whole idea of Brexit was that Britain could govern it's self without constant interference from these minority do gooders