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Road_Runner
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What's the similarity between a mother and a wife?
One woman brings us into the world crying
The other ensures you continue to do so!!
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A blonde comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain.
Blonde, "Please doctor you've got to help me. I've been stung by a bee."
Doc. "Don't worry; I'll put some cream on it."
Blonde, "You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."
Doc. "No you don't understand! I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."
Blonde, "Oh! it happened in the garden where I was sitting under a tree"
Doc. (in anger): "No, no you IDIOT! I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting."
Blonde, (still screaming in pain): "On my finger! The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts"
Doc. (banging his fist, abusing and shouting): "Which one?"
Blonde, (innocently): "How am I to know? All bees look the same to me." -
Teacher: "There has been a complaint that you have been using a lot of abusing languages and unnecessary force."
Student, "What the f***, i have never done that, which motherf***, son ** * ****h, said that, just let me know his name and i will kick his ass right until Mars." -
Suffering from a bad case of the flu, a man phoned his blonde doctor to get an appointment.
When he was told of the scheduled date, he became outraged and bellowed:
"Three weeks? The doctor can't see me for three weeks? I could well be dead by then!"
Calmly, the receptionist replied, "If so, would you have your wife call to cancel the appointment?" -
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Did you get it?
Look closely.
Okay, turn it upside down
Now, you got it?
You still don't get it right?
What did you expect?
If you can't get it straight what you think?
You would get it when its upside down?
Gotcha!!!! -
John gets a call from his very blonde girlfriend Buffy.
"I've got a problem," says Buffy.
"What's the matter?" asks John.
"Well, I bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."
"What's the picture of?" asks John.
"It's of a big rooster," replies Buffy.
"All right," says John. "I'll come over and have a look."
So he goes over to Buffy's house and she greets him by saying, "Thanks for coming over."
Buffy leads John into her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw puzzle on the kitchen table.
John looks at the puzzle and then turns to her and says, "For heaven's sake, Buffy, put the corn flakes back in the box." -
A widow and widower lived next door to each other.
They had been neighbors for over 30 years, but each had lost their spouse not too long ago.
Over a number of weeks, they had become close.
One day, the man asked the woman if she enjoyed fishing.
Yes, she replied, she used to enjoy fishing with her late husband.
The man agreed to pick her up at 6 a.m. the next morning.
They went down to the river at the time they decided the next day, and began fishing.
After a while, the man began to move the boat upstream.
They came to a fork in the river and the man asked the woman, "Up or down?"
Being nice, he wanted to let her decide.
The woman looked around, promptly took off all her clothes and jumped on the old man.
They had passionate sex.
After a while, they redressed and resumed fishing.
Later in the day, they came to another fork in the river.
Again, the man asked, "Up or down?" and once again the woman stripped and another round of passionate sex commenced.
That evening, upon arriving home, the man asked the woman if she would like to go fishing again the next day.
The woman agreed.
A little after 6 a.m. the next morning, they got to the river.
As they came across that first fork in the river, the hopeful man asked the lady, "Up or down?"
"Down," the woman replied.
A little surprised, the man headed that way.
After a morning of fishing, they got to another fork. "Up or down?" the man asked.
"Up," the woman said.
"Wait a minute," the man said. "Yesterday, when I asked that question, you took all your clothes off and we had passionate sex. What's going on?"
"Well," the woman replied, "yesterday, I forgot my hearing aid and I thought you said 'F_._._._ or Drown!'" -
hahahaha
Perfect timing.
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A young couple, Billy Bob and Ellie Sue, are out for a romantic walk along a country lane.
They walk hand in hand and as they stroll, Billy Bob's lustful desire rises to a peak.
He is just about to get frisky when Ellie Sue says, "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to piss."
Slightly taken back by this vulgarity he replies, "OK. Why don't you go behind this hedge."
She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge.
As Billy Bob waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed.
Unable to contain his animalistic thoughts a moment longer, Billy Bob reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg.
He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment, finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.
Billy Bob shouts in horror, "Oh no, Ellie Sue, have you changed your sex?"
"No," she replies. "but I changed my mind, I'm taking a shit instead." -
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Once there was a man who was in love with a blonde.
The blonde told him that before they would get married he would have to ask her father, who was a farmer.
The next day the man went to the farmer and said,
"Sir I love your daughter very much and i would like to ask for her hand in marriage."
The farmer sat there and looked at him for a moment and said,
"I'll let you marry her, but first you must complete a test."
Willing to do anything to be able to marry the blonde the man agreed.
"First you must jump the fence, swim the river and screw the cow in the barn," said the farmer.
The man thought that it sounded easy enough so he did it, and went back to the farmer,
"Okay now can i marry your daughter?"
The farmer couldn't believe the man actually did it thought it was funny so he asked him to do it again!
The man went ahead, jumped the fence, swam the river, and screwed the cow again!!
"Now can i marry your daughter?" he asked on his return.
By this time the farmer was amazed that he had done it the second time, and thought lets see if he could do it the third time.
"Okay, if you do all that one more time, i will let you marry my daughter."
The man turned around, went and jumped the fence, swam the river and screwed the cow, yet another time!!!
"Okay, now you can marry my daughter," said the farmer.
"To hel_l with your daughter, can i keep the cow?" -
First Battle
Whenever you are depressed and think that you've lost
Remember you are the same sperm that once won the battle
To survive among millions of your kind. -
When U R Stressed & About To Breakdown
Just Remember STRESSED Is Just DESSERTS
Spelled Backwards
Enjoy Your Piece Of Cake
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A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof.
The firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into.
The firemen yell to the brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!"
The brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away.
The brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.
"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!" say the firemen to the redhead.
"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the redhead.
"No! It's brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with redheads!"
"Ok," says the redhead and she jumps.
SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.
Finally, the blonde steps to the edge of the roof.
Again, the firemen yell, "Jump! You have to jump!"
"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the blonde.
"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"
"Look," the blonde says, "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it . . ." -
Hahahahahaha
Correctly rated.
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Thanks for making me laugh.
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My favourite
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A blonde was searching for the word "Dictionary" in the talking dictionary.
Dictionary: "Dictionary is the thing you are holding now, stupid."
Wondering what the definition of stupid was, she searched for the word "Stupid".
Dictionary: "Is that you again?" -
A couple were on their honeymoon.
Lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband:
"I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" says the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"What are you doing?" she says.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."
The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat.
He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole." -
Here's your chance to have a one on one with god. Talk all you want, and if possible post your chat here too. I bet it would make many crack up.
http://www.titane.ca/concordia/dfar251/igod/main.html
Here is what i got out of him.
Me:
hello god
God:
Hello child. What is your name?
Me:
david
God:
Hi, david.
Me:
god, do you have sex?
God:
I am a Christian.
Me:
chritians dont have sex?
God:
Why not?
Me:
so do you?
God:
It goes without saying. Never.
Me:
but why?
God:
I couldn't think of anything else to say.
Me:
how do you survive?
God:
Myself programmed me to say specific things in specific contexts.
Me:
so sex is not on the agenda
God:
So? it is more fun alone.
Me:
great
God:
I'm glad you liked it david.
Me:
enjoy!!
God:
Quite honestly, I wouldn't worry myself about that.
Me:
bye
God:
Bye bye. -
Latest Invention
The Japanese Have Produced A New Camera
It Has An Amazing Shutter Speed
It Can Take A Pic Of A Woman
With Her Mouth Shut!!
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Hahahaha
The attachment was great too.
Keep up the team work. But try and co-ordinate and come together.
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Marriage Advantages:
Marriage means that someone helps you
Cope up with all the problems
You never had when your were single.
Swimmers
in Jokes - Puzzles and Riddles - Make My Day!
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