fangless

Bulls and sex
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My wife and I went to the County Agricultural Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said:

THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ..... Smiled and said, "He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week".

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said:

THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, "WOW~~That's more than twice a week! .......... You could learn a lot from him".

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said:

THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
"That's once a day .. You could REALLY learn something from this one".

I looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow".

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and the doctors say I should eventually make a full recovery.

2 minutes ago, ChipButty said:

I wont be taking part

Is that as a result of too many "Chip Butties"?

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with the wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very Truly Yours,
Acme Costume Co

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

Very Truly Yours,
Acme Costume Co

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head. So again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next week he gets a small parcel and a note which reads:

Dear Sir,
Please find the enclosed bottle of treacle. Pour the treacle over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your rear end and go as a dunking apple.

Paddy on the phone: “I have a complaint. Every time I make a sandwich, it’s always too dry.”
Guy on the other end: “Sir, that’s not what we do at the Mayo Clinic.”

For the "Swingers" among you"

Here is a sign posted at a golf club somewhere:  

PRE          *EE OFF CHECK LIST

1. Back Straight, Knees Bent, Feet Shoulder Width Apart.
2. Form A Loose Grip.
3. Keep Your Head Down!
4. Avoid A Quick Back Swing.
5. Stay Out Of The Water.
6. Try Not To Hit Anyone.
7. If You Are Taking Too Long, Let Others Go Ahead Of You.
8. Don't Stand Directly In Front or behind others.
9. Quiet Please...While Others Are Preparing.
10. Don't Take Extra Strokes.

Well Done. Now, Flush The Urinal, Go Outside, And Tee Off.

1 hour ago, mrfill said:

If you are using a laptop as a desktop, why have the battery in? These batteries have a life span of around 1000 charges and each time the unit is plugged in will attempt to charge and reduce the battery life by 1 charge. Just remove the battery and keep it for the times you need to use the laptop away from the desk. The batteries will last substantially longer.

Most modern laptops do not have removable batteries.

The following were created by taking any word from the dictionary,  alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing only one letter, and supply a new  definition. See what you can come up with!

 
a.. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you  realize it was your money to start with.

 
b.. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly
 
c.. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright  ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer,  unfortunately, shows little sign  of breaking down in the near future.
 
d.. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject  financially impotent for an indefinite 
period.
 
e.. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
 
f.. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person  who doesn't get it.
 
g.. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
 
h.. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
 
i.. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
 
j.. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really  bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a  serious bummer.
 
k.. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day  consuming only things that are good for you.
 
l.. Glibido: All talk and no action.
 
m.. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they  come at you rapidly.
 
n.. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've  accidentally walked through a spider web.
 
o.. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your  bedroom at three in the morning and cannot 
be cast out.
 
p.. Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a worm in the  fruit you're eating.