AltumAngel

A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers.

The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid.", answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm .... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."

The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"

"What do I have to do?"

"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with." The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots.

The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"

"Throw them in the swimming pool!"

"What?! There's no pool here?"

Long pause... "Uh .... is this 221-1811?"

An old lady had always wanted to travel abroad. Now that she was getting on in years, she thought she would really like to do so before she died.

Until now, she'd never even been out of the country. So she began by going in person to the Passport Office and asking how long it would take to have one issued.

"You must take the loyalty oath first," responded the passport clerk. "Raise your right hand, please. "The old gal raised her right hand.

"Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all its enemies, domestic or foreign?" was the first question.

The little old lady's face paled and her voice trembled as she asked in a small voice, "Uhhh . . . all by myself?"

... she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

... she thought a quarterback was a refund.

... she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order

... she thought Boyz II Men was a day-care center.

... she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.

... she thought General Motors was in the Army.

... she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

... she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.

... under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics".

... she tried to drown a fish.

... she tripped over a cordless phone.

... she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it

said "concentrate".

... she got stabbed in a shoot-out.

... she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK".

... they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.

... at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius".

... she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

... it takes her two hours to watch "60 Minutes".

... she studied for a blood test-and failed.

... she thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train".

... she sold the car for gas money.

... when she saw the movie rating "NC-17: under 17 not admitted", she went home and got 16 friends.

... when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

... she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

... when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

... when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left", she turned around and went home.

... she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who...

1) would treat her nicely

2) wouldn't run away from her

3) would be good in bed.

Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.

"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."

"Yes, but are you good in bed?"

"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.

You order what you want then, when you see what the other person has,

you wish you had ordered that.

Man: Is there any way for long life?

Dr: Get married.

Man: Will it help?

Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.

Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?

It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?

Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged.

It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.

It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful things as

women and then he turns them into Wives.

If u r married please ignore this msg,

for everyone else: Happy Independence Day

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.

After marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish.

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking.

It's called marriage.

Girlfriends r like chocolates, taste good anytime.

Lovers r like PIZZAS, Hot n spicy, eaten frequently.

Husbands r like Dal RICE, eaten when there's no choice.

Man receives telegram: Wife dead-should be buried or cremated?

Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.

Prospective husband: Do you have a book called 'Man, The Master of Women'?

Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.

There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he

would go through hel_l for her.

They got married and now he is going thru hel_l.

Fact of life: One woman brings you into this world crying &

the other ensures you continue to do so for the rest of your life!

Q: Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman?

A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offence!

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade"

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.

Edna replied, He didn't hang himself - I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?

Three friends check into a hotel for the night and the clerk tells them the bill is $30, payable in advance.

So, they each pay the clerk $10 and go to their room. A few minutes later, the clerk realizes he has made an error and overcharged the three by $5. He asks the bellboy to return $5 to the three friends who had just checked in.

The bellboy sees this as an opportunity to make $2 as he reasons that the three friends would have a tough time dividing $5 evenly among them; so he decides to tell them that the clerk made a mistake of only $3, giving a dollar back to each of the friends. He pockets the leftover $2 and goes home for the day!

Now, each of the three friends gets a dollar back, thus they each paid $9 for the room which is a total of $27 for the night. We know the bellhop pocketed $2 and adding that to the $27, you get $29, not $30 which was originally spent.

Where did the other dollar go?

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!''

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''

A CEO (and member of Forbes 400!) throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen. The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry alligators. The CEO says to his executives "I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!"

Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes. The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you."

The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who the hel_l pushed me in the pool!!"

We all know how misleading the description of hotels and motels can be. So here's a translation table to help you out...

So when you see one of the phrases listed on the left, you will know what it really means by reading the translation on the right!

Old world charm = No bath

Tropical = Rainy

Majestic setting = A long way from town

Options galore = Nothing is included in the itinerary

Secluded hideaway = Impossible to find or get to

Pre-registered rooms = Already occupied

Explore on your own = Pay for it yourself

Knowledgeable trip hosts = They've flown in an airplane before

No extra fees = No Extra Service

Nominal fee = Outrageous charge

Standard = Sub-standard

Deluxe = Standard

Superior = One free shower cap

Cozy = Small

All the amenities = Two free shower caps

Plush = Top and bottom sheets

Gentle breezes = Occasional Gale-force winds

Light and airy = No air conditioning

Picturesque = Theme park nearby

Open bar = Free ice cubes

Concierge = Stand with tourist brochures

Continental breakfast = Free muffin

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.

Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.

When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you."

The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.

The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.

And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."

The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "hel_l, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.

The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?"

The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."

With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife can`t hear him.

"How bad is it?" the doctor asks.

"I have no idea", says the husband.

"Well, please test her. Stand 20 feet away from her and say something. If she doesn`t hear you, get closer and say the same thing. Keep moving closer repeating the comment until she does hear you. That way we`ll have an idea of her range of hearing loss."

So the man goes home and sees his wife in the kitchen chopping up vegetables for dinner.

From 20 feet: "What are we having for dinner?"

No answer. From 10 feet, same thing. From 5 feet, same thing. Finally he`s standing right behind her ...

"What`s for dinner?"

She turns around, looks at him and says "For the FOURTH time ... BEEF STEW!"

haha..... bay tahan those china ppl...

This is a true account of what was heard on a recent flight from Shenzhen

to Qingtao by China Southern Airlines:

"Good afternoon, Ladies and the German. This is your cheap purser Wang Lui

speaking. On behalf of China Sudden Airlines, I would like to welcome you

on board our Bowling 737 from Shenzhen to Qingtao.

Members of my crew speak Chinese and other languages that you do not know.

It is a great pressure serving you to-die. Should you need any resistance

during the fright, peace do pest the call button. I and my gals are

available to make you feel comfortable.

Meanwhile, the airkwaft is going to fry. Peace sit upright and keep your

belt tightly fastened until dinner is served at five dirty p.m. Hope you

would enjoy your fright with us. Funk kill."

Hi

Enjoy some light moments.......at Muthu's expense

*MUTHU & THE INTERVIEWER*

Interviewer: "What is your birth date?"

Muthu : "13th October."

Interviewer : "Which year?"

Muthu : "Every year."

*****

*MUTHU & HIS MANAGER*

The Manager asked Muthu at an interview....

"Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?"

Muthu replied: "P-O-S-T-B-O-X."

*****

* MUTHU & LONDON TRIP*

After returning from a foreign trip, Muthu asked his wife, "Do I look

like a foreigner?"

Wife: "No! Why?"

Muthu : "In London, a lady asked me, 'Are you a foreigner?'... that's

why."

Wife : ?????????

*****

*MUTHU & TOURIST*

A tourist from U.S.A. asked Muthu whether any great man was born in his

village...

Muthu said .. "No sir, only babies were born here."

*****

*MUTHU & HIS EXPERIMENT*

Muthu was doing an experiment with a cockroach. First he cut off one leg

and told it to "WALK! WALK!" The cockroach walked. Then he cut off it's

second leg and told the same. The cockroach walked. Then he cut off the

third leg and did the same. Finally, he cut off its fourth leg and

ordered it walk! But the cockroach didn't walk. Suddenly, Muthu said

loudly, "I found it. If we cut a cockroach's four legs, it becomes

deaf."

*****

*MUTHU & DRIVER*

When Muthu was travelling with his wife in a motorised tricycle, the

driver adjusted the mirror. Muthu shouted, "You are trying to see my

wife, eh? Sit in the back. I will drive."

*****

MUTHU GOES TO HOTEL*

Muthu went into a hotel. To wash his hands, he went to the washbasin.

Then when he had finished, he started washing the basin. Seeing this,

the manager asked what was he doing. Muthu pointed towards the signboard

"*WASH BASIN* "

*****

*MUTHU & INTERVIEWER - FINAL PART*

Interviewer : "Just imagine you're in the 20th floor of a building and

it's on fire. How will you escape?"

Muthu: "It's simple.. I will just stop my imagination."

*****

*Oh... Lest I forget ............. the funniest...*

At a political rally, Muthu was arrested. Why????????????

Because a lady journalist with a badge which read "*PRESS*" pinned on

the right part of her blouse walked past him... and he did it!

I went over to my neighbors house. She was a blonde and for some reason she was mad at the world. She was in the bathroom and the door was locked. I said, "Come on, you know you don't want to do this!" She said, "I ###### well do wanna do this, nobody wants me alive anyways." For some reason i actually believed her and pushed through the door. She had a rope tied to her ankles. I asked "Aren't you trying to hang yourself?"

"Yes, whats your point?"

"Well, usually when people hang themselves they tie the rope around their necks"

"Yeah well, I tried that, But then i couldnt breathe."

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table.

A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet $20,000

on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier

when I'm completely nud_e."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice

and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and

squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her

winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally,

one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other

answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men

A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger. The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "One burger!"

Whereupon the chef grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill.

"That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen," the old lady says.

"Yeah?" says the counterman. "You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts."

A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials. The woman next to him says, "Wow, that's a really fancy watch."

Thanks, says the guy, "It's the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically ask this watch anything I want to know, and it'll answer me, telepathically."

"Rubbish," says the girl.

"No, it's true," says that guy. "Look, tell you what, I'll prove it. I'll ask it if you've got any panties on."

The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to his watch, then opens them and says, "Nope, it says you haven't got any panties on."

"Well, it's wrong," says the girl, "I do have panties on." "######," says the guy, slapping his watch, "it's an hour fast!"

Two rednecks meet on a dusty country road. One of them is carrying a big bag labeled, "chickens."

"Chickens, eh?" says one guy. "Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?"

"Heck," says the guy with the bag, "iffin you guess right, I'll give you both of 'em."

The other scratches his head and guesses, "Um... five?"

SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:

All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK:

Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. Sondra gets none.

DRESS CODE:

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.

-- Management

1) Outgoing personality - Always going out of the office

2) Great presentation skills - Able to bullshit

3) Good communication skills - Spends a lot of time on the phone

4) Work is first priority - Too ugly to get a date

5) Active socially - Drinks a lot

6) Independent worker - No one knows what you are doing

7) Quick thinking - Gives excuses on the go

8) Careful thinker - Will not make decisions

9) Uses logic on difficult jobs - Gets someone else to do it

10) Expresses themselves well - Speaks English

11) Meticulous attention to detail - A nit-picker

12) Has leadership qualities - Is tall or has a louder voice

13) Exceptionally good judgment - Has been very lucky

14) Keen sense of humor - Knows a lot of dirty jokes

15) Career minded - Back stabber

16) Loyal - Cannot get another job elsewhere

17) Plans for advancement/promotion - Buys drinks for all the boys

18) Of great value to the organization - Gets to work on time

19) Relaxed attitude - Sleeps on the desk

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.

He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."