AltumAngel

An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and is lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down at the local pub.

One of them says, "Ya know, Ben, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed really quick."

"How did you get it fixed?"

"Well I just dipped my finger in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all over the bull's nose and he got right after her."

Ben goes home to the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow, dips his fingers in the cow's vagina and rubs it all around the bull's nose. The bull gets a rip roaring boner and jumps on the cow immediately. Ben was impressed.

That night, Ben gets into bed with his wife and can't get the effect on the bull out of his mind. As she lays sleeping, Ben dips his fingers into his wife's vagina and feeling that it's nice and wet, he rubs it all around his nose and gets a rip roaring hard on. He quickly shakes his wife awake and cries out, "Honey, look!"

She rolls over, turns on the light and says, "You mean you woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that you have a nosebleed?"

thanks for the ratings still got

Got Part 2:

Memo to all employees:

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T).

We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the course, please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T).

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T).

Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T already. If you are full of S.H.I.T you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T).

For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T). This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T).

Thank you, BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G.S.H.I.T)

Thank you for your time. !

Sincerely,

The Director Under the Main Bureau of Super High Intensity Training.

(The D.U.M.B.S.H.I.T).

A doctor was holding a new baby that he had just delivered.

The baby looked up at him and said, "Are you my father?"

The doctor said," No, i am the doctor that delivered you." Then the doctor handed the baby to the nurse.

While the nurse was cleaning the baby the baby looked at the nurse and said,"Are u my father?"

The nurse said," No, i am just the nurse." Then the nurse gave the baby to the new father.

The baby looked at him and said," Are u my father?"

The new father said prondly,"Yes! i am yr father."

Then the baby started poking his father in the forehead over and over again and said," So how do YOU like it?!"

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.

SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:

Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.

Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror -wearing nothing but a camera!

Question: Ms America, how do you describe a male organ in your country?

Ms America: Well, I can say that male organs in America are like gentlemen.

Question: How can you say so?

Ms America: Because it stands every time it sees a woman..........................

(Applause! Applause!)

Question: Ms Philippines, how do you describe a male organ in your country?

Ms Philippines: Well, I can say that male organs in our country are like gossip or rumors.

Question: How can you say so?

Ms Philippines: Because it passes from mouth to mouth......

(Applause! Applause! Standing Ovation! Applause! Applause!)

Question: Ms Malaysia, how do you describe a male organ in your country?

Ms Malaysia: Well, I can say that Male Organs in Malaysia are like Proton car.

Question: How can you say so?

Ms Malaysia: Look tough but actually very soft............................

(Applause! Applause! Laughter! Laughter! Applause! )

Question: Ms Singapore,how do you describe a male organ in your country?

Ms Singapore: Well, I can say that male organ in Singapore is very Kiasu (Afraid to lose).

Question: How can you say so?

Ms Singapore: It always wants to rush in quick and leave 15 minutes before the show is over

(Applause! Applause! Applause! Applause! Applause!)

Question: Ms Iran, how do you describe a male organ in your country?

Ms Iran: Well, I can say that male organs in Iran are like thieves.

Question: How can you say so?

Ms Iran: Because they like to enter through the back door.....

(Applause! Applause! Laughter! Laughter! Applause! Applause!)

Question: Ms India, how do you describe a male organ in your country?

Ms India: Well, I can say the male organs in India are like labourers.

Question: How can you say so?

Ms India: Because it works day and night......

(Applause! Applause! Applause!)

Question: Ms Spain, how do you describe a male organ in your country?

Ms Spain: Male organs in our country are like our very own Bullfight or Toro (Bull)

Question: How can you say so?

Ms Spain: Because it charges every time it sees an opening....

(Applause! Applause!)

A man was scheduled to go before a firing squad for his crimes. The evening before his execution, he was asked what he wanted for his last meal. He refused the meal completely.

The next morning the man was brought before the firing squad. When asked for his last request, the man said he had none. The General in charge of his execution asked him, ''Sir, you refused your last meal and your last request. Isn't there anything you want before you die?''

The man thought for a moment, then said, ''Music has always been an important part of my life. If I could do but one thing before I die, would you allow me to sing my favorite song from beginning to end, without interruption?''

The General thought this was a reasonable request, and ordered his men to lower their weapons and to not interrupt for the duration of the song.

''Ten million bottles of beer on the wall...''

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife

good-bye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer

happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been

expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you

know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a

seat" After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the

couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room

floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and

me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we

try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,

I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in

and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his

baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider her

mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the

job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a

good look."

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. And for more than three hours, too. The

mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly

concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.

Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had

to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your,

um... equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and

we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much

too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted.

Love formulae:

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

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Son: Mum, I've just swallowed a bone.

Mum: Are you choking?

Son: No, I'm serious!!!

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A man caught a Goldy fish:

- Let me go, I will grant you any wish… Said fish

- Hm... Can you make the world peace?

- Hm... hm... Too many things and people involved... Maybe you have something more personal?

- Hm... Can you make my girlfriend pretty? Here is her picture...

- Oh.... how about your first wish? World peace?

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A man can go two weeks without eating. But if he doesn't rest at all, hecan only survive for one week. If you wish to have a long life and stay healthy, pleasetake note of the advice below...

DON'T SLEEP WITH WATCH

Watches can emit a certain level of radioactivity. Though small, but if youwear your watch to bed for a long time, it might have adverse effects onyour health.

DON'T SLEEP WITH BRA/UNDERWARE

Scientists in America have discovered those that wear bras for more than 12hours have a higher risk of getting breast cancer. Well the same goes downthere for guys..... imagine having a prostectic part. So go to bed without it.

DON'T SLEEP WITH PHONE

Though some of us will use phone as alarm clocks, try to put the phone far as possible. Scientists have proved that electrical items including mobile phone and television sets emit magnetic waves that increase danger of getting cancer...

DON'T SLEEP WITH MAKE UP

People who sleep with make up might have skin problems in the long run. Sleeping with make up will cause the skin to have difficulty in breathingand problem in perspiring. You will also need a much longer time to go into deep sleep.

DON'T SLEEP WITH OTHERS' WIFE OR HUSBAND

You may never wake up again.

21stCentury...

Our communication - Wireless

Our dress - Topless

Our telephone - Cordless

Our cooking - Fireless

Our youth - Jobless

Our food - Fatless

Our labour - Effortless

Our conduct - Worthless

Our relation - Loveless

Our attitude - Careless

Our feelings - Heartless

Our politics - Shameless

Our education - Valueless

Our follies - Countless

Our arguments - Baseless

Our boss - Brainless

Our Job - Thankless

Our Salary - Very less.!!

Jones came into the office, an hour late for the third time

in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's

the story this time, Jones?" his boss asked sarcastically.

"Let's hear a good excuse for a change."

Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss.

The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready

in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck.? Rather

than let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my

suit´s still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on

Mr. Thompson´s helicopter, landed on top of Radio City

Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the

Rockettes."

"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss,

obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten

minutes."

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered

assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for

your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried

in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a

good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like

every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars

to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss

America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you

naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze

these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible

crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to

smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you

going to be smiling?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why

can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point

to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both

dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he

just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,

what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call

it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,

but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Diver Meets Guy Underwater One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.

The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joined him.

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof pad and pencil, and wrote, "Amazing! How are you able to stay this deep down without equipment?"

The guy took the pencil and pad, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

A Mom comes to visit her son Kumar for dinner.....who lives with a girl

roommate Sunita. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't

help but

notice how pretty Kumar's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of

a

relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she

started

to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his roommate than met the

eye.

>

Reading his mom's thoughts, Kumar volunteered, "I know what you must be

thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just roommates

." About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying, "Ever since your

mother

came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't

suppose

she took it, do you?"

Kumar said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, jjust to be sure."

>

So he sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm

not

saying that you 'did not' take the silver plate.. But the fact remains

that

it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

>

Love, Kumar

>

Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother which read

>

Dear Son:

>

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Sunita, and I'm not saying that

you

'do not' sleep with Sunita. But the fact remains that if she was

sleeping in

her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now under the

pillow...

>

Love,

>

Mom.

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife,

"You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:

BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets.

BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,

BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked.

When say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say

BELL 3, we are going to make love all night."

The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!"

The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled

"BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!",

they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"

"What the heck is BELL 4?" asked the husband?

"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR

THE FIRE."

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are

marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard,

"Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six

months old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do

you know their age so precisely?"

The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three

million years old when I started working here, and that was

four and a half years ago."

The Smiths were unable to conceive

children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their

family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith

kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographerhappened to ring the doorbell,

hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Mda'am', he said, 'I've come to...

''Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, '

I've been expecting you.''Have you really?' said the photographer.

'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the

couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living

room floor is fun You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one

every time. But if we > >>>try> >>> >several different positions and I

shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be

In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio

of his baby pictures.

'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when

you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job

done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith,

her eyes wide with amazement. 'Yes', the photographer replied.

'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly

squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when

darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the

squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all

in. 'Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually

chewed on your, uh...equipment?' 'It's true, Ma'am,

yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can

get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes,

Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too

big to be held in the hand very long. Mrs. Smith fainted!!

A "Husband Shopping Center" was opened where a woman could go to choose from among many men for a husband. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place. So, a couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men.

First floor: the door had a sign saying "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and say "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?"

So up they go. Second floor says "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking" Hmmm, say the girls. But, I wonder what's further up?".

Third floor: "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." Wow, say the women! Very tempting, but, there's more further up!? And so again, they go up.

Fourth floor: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak." Oh, mercy me. But just think!?!?! What must be awaiting us further on!

So up to the fifth floor they go. The sign on that door said: "This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping, and have a nice day."

A little word from Johnny to start the day..

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show Us your good manners?"

I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

The teacher fainted

Camouflage Training

During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general. "You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?"

"Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically. "But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice. And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches. But when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, "Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' ---that did it!"

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that there had to be something done about it.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She then explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day.

To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then used it to clean the mirror. Needless to say, there have been no lip prints on the mirror since!

Fire swept the plains and burned down the farmer’s barn. While he surveyed the wreckage, his wife called their insurance company and asked them to send a check for $75,000, the amount of insurance on the barn. “We don’t give you the money,” a company official explained. “We replace the barn and all the equipment in it.”

“In that case,” replied the wife, “cancel the policy I have on my husband.”

One dismal rainy night in Chatham, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.

Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

“Where to ?” he stammered.

“East Street,” answered the woman.

“You got it,” he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked,

“Just what the hel_l are you looking at, driver ?”

“Well, madam,” he answered, “I was just wondering how you’ll pay your fare.”

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said,

“Does this answer your question ?”

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked,

“Got anything smaller ?”

A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator. The bartender stops him and says “Hold on a second here - you can’t bring that animal in here, they aren’t allowed!” So the man says, “But my gator here does a really cool trick…”

The bartender says “Well then, lets see!” So the man whips out his dick and shoves it in the gators mouth. He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it. A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his dick without a single scratch.

He looks around at the crowd and says, “Does anyone else want to try?” An old lady raises her hand and says…”Sure, but don’t hit me with that stick.”