warfie

Q: Why does the bar association prohibit lawyers and clients from having sex?

A: To protect clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

Bought "diamonds" from some guy on a beach for just 20,000 Baht.

Finally realised they were fake... "aw gee, what a surprise!"

How did she manage to live to 52 years old with such an obvious intellectual disability?

I hope she was never allowed to breed.

Flame away, you won't change my opinion, just a waste of your time.

A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long.

"Let me show you," says the captain.

He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it.

"This'll be the best sex you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy."

The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway. After he finishes up, the captain returns.

"Wow! That was the best sex I've ever had! I want to do it every day!"

"Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday."

"Why not Thursday?"

"That's your day in the barrel."

A young punk gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multi-coloured hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's wearing worn-out shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewellery and his earrings are big, bright feathers.

He sits down in the only vacant seat that's directly across from an old man who glares at him for the next ten miles.

Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man, "What are you looking at you old fart... didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"

Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah, back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore and screwed a parrot.... I thought maybe you were my son.''

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this...when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, "Can you please help me, I don't know what Hole I'm on."

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."

He thanked her and continued playing golf.

Later, he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed.

"I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost; can you please tell me what hole I'm on."

She told him, "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13."

Again, he thanked her and continued playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking, he asked her what she did for a living.

"I'm in sales," she said.

He replied, "No kidding; so am I."

"What do you sell?" She responded that it was too embarrassing to tell; but after he kept pleading to know what she sold, she finally said that she would tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised.

She said, "I sell sanitary napkins."

He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically. She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".

He replied (still with tears in his eyes), "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper..... I'm still one Hole behind you."

Once there was a farmer. He had two teenage sons. This farmer had just inherited some of money from his brother's recent death. He couldn't decide which son he could send to college, since he could only afford to send one.

This farmer also had two ducks. These ducks were retarded. They were only two ducks on the farm that weren't normal. He told his sons that whoever could get the most money for the duck would go to college.

The sons went out in attempt to collect as much money as they could. The first son was walking down the street when he passed a man working in the yard. The man asked him if the duck was for sale, for the man loved the taste of ducks. He offered the son 10 dollars for his duck. The son decided this was very good, so he took it. He decided his brother wouldn't be able to get close to his success.

The second son was walking and passed a whorehouse. He went in and said that he didn't have any money, but he would give them the duck. One girl said fine. After they fuc_ked, she decided that she didn't want the duck any-more. The son said he would take the duck back if they fuc_ked again. She agreed. After they fuc_ked the second time, the son left.

He was walking home, thinking about what to do with the duck when it broke the leash. The duck ran out into the street and was hit by a car. The lady that hit it jumped from her car and started apologising profusely. The son insisted it was ok, but the lady said she would pay for the duck. She was in a hurry, so she gave him 25 dollars and sped off.

When the sons got home, the farmer asked the first son what he got. He proudly displayed the 10 dollars. The farmer was impressed.

He asked the second son the same thing.

"That's nothing. I got a fuc_k for a duck, a duck for a fuc_k, and 25 dollars for a fuc_ked up duck."

A bear walks into a bar in a really remote part of Alaska. He sits down, says to the bartender he has been hunting all day, is thirsty, and would really like a beer. The bartender refuses, pointing to a sign behind the bar that says No Beer For Bears. Now the bear becomes angry, and says unless he is served a beer, he is going to eat the girl sitting next to him. The bartender still refuses, pointing to the sign with annoyance. The bear now goes berserk and wolfs down the girl , with blood flying everywhere. When he is done, he snarls at the bartender " Now you have to give me a beer!!" The bartender refuses again, pointing to another sign that says No Beer For Drug Users. The bears asks in astonishment what the hell the bartender is talking about.. The bartender shrugs his shoulders, and says " That was a bar-bitch-you-ate....."

Are you sure,laislica?

Here's a classic I haven't heard in YEARS. this was, in fact, the first "dirty" joke I ever learned.

Superman is flying around one day and he’s feeling kinda horny. So he finds Batman sitting on top of a building and drops down to ask him where the best place to get laid is. Batman proceeds to tell him that Wonder Woman is a great lay. Superman then tells him that he couldn’t do that to her because they have been friends for too long and he flies away.

Superman then sees Spider-man swinging around and flies next to him while he’s swinging and asks him who the best piece of ass is. Spider-man tells him that he hears Wonder Woman is good and tells him to look her up. Disgruntled Superman takes to the air and flies about.

He then notices Wonder Woman lying in a field naked and spread Eagle. He thinks I’m faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of that so fast she’ll never know what hit her. So, he flies down does his business and in 4 seconds he’s back in the air flying away. Wonder Woman looks up and says “What was that?”

Invisible Man says: “I don’t know but my arse hurts!”

Many years ago, my Grandfather travelled to America.

While there he went for a stroll through the Mojave desert and got bitten by a rattlesnake.

He says that after three days of intense pain, the snake died...

It took a three whole days!

See, Aussies aren't so tough...

This lady is having a bed-wetting problem, so she decides to go to the

doctor.

The doctor tells her to go and get undressed and wait for him

in the other room.

When the doctor goes into the room he tells the lady to stand on her

head facing the mirror. She figures he is a doctor and gets in front of

the mirror.

The doctor goes over to the lady and rests his chin between her legs

and looks in the mirror.

After a few minutes he stands up and tells the lady to go ahead and

put her clothes back on and he will talk to her when she is dressed.

The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what is wrong with

her.

He tells her that she needs to quit drinking before she goes to bed.

The lady asks the doctor why he had her get naked in front of the

mirror and stand on her head.

He replies, "I wanted to see how I would look with a beard."

How's this for touchy?!

My wife says that if I don't learn to type quieter she'll smash my face into the (&^UHNUibyhyYG^45678u&

I don't know what's worse--the fact that after 15 years of using tar I still can't keep the flags straight, or that after 15 years of technological advancement I'm still mucking with tar flags that were 15 years old when I started.

edit to add credit: http://xkcd.com/1168/

So "Thaksin thinks, Pheu Thai acts" is the lie or "Thaksin is not running the country" is the lie?

Both cannot be true...

A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year unaccompanied in Shemya, Alaska. The first night home, he told his wife he had something to show her.

"I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!" And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether. "Dick, ten-HUT!" And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. "Dick, at EASE!" And his dick deflated again.

"That was amazing," said his wife. "Can I bring over our neighbour to show her?"

The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of his accomplishment. So his wife brought back a delicious looking woman.

"Dick, ten-HUT!" And his penis sprang up. "Dick, at EASE!" Nothing. "Dick, at EASE!" Still nothing. "For the last time, Dick -- at EASE!"

Frustratingly enough, nothing happened. Embarrassed, he ran off to the bathroom. Worried, his wife ran after and found that he was vigorously masturbating.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm giving this guy a dishonourable discharge!"

An army major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks:

A storm in a B-cup!

Surely one look at the photo would be enough to suggest a sensible place to draw the border...

I'm afraid that does not always work for me...