warfie
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Posts posted by warfie
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Has anyone ever thought to mention to them that it is the consumption of alcohol which is the problem and not the selling of it?
So, it's ok for Somchai to buy a large bottle of rum at lunchtime, consume it during the afternoon, then drive home shitfaced, but if I want to buy a can of beer at 4:30 to enjoy when I get home that is not ok...
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Juan pedals up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and asks, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answers Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart. He empties them out and finds nothing but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that it is pure sand.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and allows him to cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years. Finally, one day, Juan doesn't show up and the guard sees him in a cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you're smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his tequila and says, "Stolen bicycles."
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RIP, poor guy just trying to earn a living for himself and his family but:
The victim was a taxi motorbike driver-for-hire in south Pattaya. Nearby was his fallen bike, a black Honda Wave 100. The bike was severely damaged in the front, with its wire basket crushed.
Sorry? "severely damaged"?
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Once upon a time Nasa decided to send 3 astronauts to space for 2 years. One was American, one was Russian, and the other was English. NASA allowed each of them to take 200 pounds of baggage each.
The American decided to take along his wife, the Englishman decided to take along books to learn how to speak German, whilst the Russian decided to take along cigarettes.
Two years later, when the space shuttle landed, there was a big crowd waiting to welcome them home. First came the American and his wife, and each of them had a baby in their arms. Next came the Englishman speaking fluent German. They both gave their speeches and got a rousing round of applause.
Suddenly, out came the Russian with a cigarette in his mouth. He walked up to the podium, snarled at the crowd, and asked,
"Has anyone got a <deleted>' match?"
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and but and Thank you for making me want to laugh like hell while kicking you in the <deleted>!
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One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is.
"Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"
The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"
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You know of course that it was really much worse! as:-
ON DAY ONE, THE CHARACTER IN THE SONG GETS A SINGLE PRESENT (A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE). BUT ON DAY TWO, THE BENEFICIARY RECEIVES A NEW PRESENT (A PAIR OF TURTLE DOVES) PLUS ANOTHER PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE. DAY THREE BRINGS A SECOND HELPING OF DAY TWO'S GIFTS, PLUS MORE NEW ITEMS (THREE FRENCH HENS). THIS CARRIES ON ALL THE WAY TO THE TWELFTH DAY WHEN 12 DRUMMERS DRUMMING, AND NEW COPIES OF ALL THE PREVIOUS DAY'S GIFTS ARE RECEIVED
The total becomes 264!!
on day one, the character in the song gets a single present (a partridge in a pear tree). but on day two, the beneficiary receives a new present (a pair of turtle doves) plus another partridge in a pear tree. day three brings a second helping of day two's gifts, plus more new items (three french hens). this carries on all the way to the twelfth day when 12 drummers drumming, and new copies of all the previous day's gifts are received
ahh... that's better...
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I hope you're not allergic to nuts, because I want to kick yours so hard, you'll have to swallow them...
Meanwhile, I'm laughing my arse off.
I love a groaner...
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NEWS FLASH!
Person actually does the job he's paid to do, and puts up a sign!
thats why he put the sign in thai only.to prevent farang freezing sarcasm.but it did not work
My comment was actually regarding the newsworthiness of the article...
Are you familiar with the term "sarchasm"?
You might need this...
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NEWS FLASH!
Person actually does the job he's paid to do, and puts up a sign!
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Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 1, 2012
RE: Gala Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.
There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 2, 2012
RE: Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.
There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.
We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 3, 2012
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name...
I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Patty
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: November 4, 2012
RE: Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.
There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: November 5, 2012
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party
I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your fuc_king salad bar, including organic tomatoes.
But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you fuc_king wierdos can kiss my arse. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The fuc_king Bitch from Hell!!!
Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: November 6, 2012
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the asylum.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Whatever!
Joan
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What if someone actually did it?
December 14, 1972
My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always, Agnes
December 15, 1972
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love, Agnes
December 16, 1972
Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
All my love, Agnes
December 17, 1972
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnes
December 18, 1972
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes
December 19, 1972
Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbours are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.
Cordially, Agnes
December 20, 1972
John:
What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of dam_n joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those freaking birds.
Sincerely, Agnes
December 21, 1972
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their dam_n cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.
Agnes
December 22, 1972
Hey <deleted>:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbours have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours! Agnes
December 23, 1972
You rotten prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhoea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.
I'm calling the police on you! Agnes
December 24, 1972
Listen fuc_khead:
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy, Agnes
December 25, 1972
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially, Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chole
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Three women talk about their husband's performance as lovers.
The first woman says, "My husband is a marriage counsellor, so he always buys me flowers and candy before we make love."
The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and use leather sometimes."
The third woman shakes her head and says, "My husband works for an Internet company. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."
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A gynaecologist tired of his profession, and wanting less responsibility, decided a career change was in order. After some serious thought, he decided that being an engine mechanic, something he had once enjoyed prior to college, would be a good choice. However, it had been a long time since he had tinkered with an engine and he knew that in order to compete with the younger workforce, he would have to go to school.
He enrolled in a technical institute that specialized in teaching auto mechanics. He aced the course, but the final exam required each student to completely strip and reassemble an engine. It was with some trepidation that he took the test. At completion, he turned the engine over to his instructors for evaluation and awaited his final grade.
When they were handed out, he did a double take at the 150% grade he received. Rather confused, he asked his instructors how it was possible to have a grade like this. "It is really quite simple," they said. "We gave you 50% for correctly disassembling the engine, 50% for correctly reassembling it, and an additional 50% for doing it all through the muffler."
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Years ago, I built a computer for a client, it included a CD burner.
It tested OK, but after delivery, the client complained that the burner was not working.
I had him bring the machine back and I tested it, it seemed fine.
He collected it but next day complained again that the CDs he burned were no good.
He brought it back again, and again, it tested OK.
We were all baffled!
I asked him to bring in one of the failed CDs, he did.
After burning, he had labelled it with a ball-point pen, thereby destroying the data layer... DOH!
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Lady: Do you smoke?
Guy: Yes I do.
Lady: How many packs a day?
Guy: 3 packs.
Lady: How much per pack?
Guy: $10.00 per pack.
Lady: And how long have you been smoking?
Guy: 15 years
Lady: So 1 pack is $10.00 and you have been smoking 3 packs a day which puts your spending per month at $900. In 1 year, it would have been $10,800. Correct?
Guy: Correct.
Lady: If 1 year you spend $10,800, not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending total at $162,000. Correct?
Guy: Correct.
Lady: Do you know if you hadn't smoke, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have by now bought a Ferrari?
Guy: Oh. Do you smoke?
Lady: No.
Guy: Then where's your Ferrari?-
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Just got back from a call-out, one of the problems was that the customer had replaced the cartridge in his printer and it still didn't work.
He figured that he'd made some mistake installing it.
I took it out and it looked dry, as if empty (the case was opaque so I couldn't see if it had ink or not).
He handed me the box it came in, with the 'old' cartridge inside, asking "did I get the wrong one?"
I looked at it and asked if he had removed the protective tape from new one and put it on the old one.
He said "no... OH! I didn't did I?!"
He had taken the old cartridge out, opened the new box and somehow mixed them and put the old one back in again...
Poor guy was so embarrassed...
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I seem to be out of ammunition...
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Great story and so true and so well written!
Well done man!
Fancy a ride with me sometime? Riding in Phuket
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Kev, I hope you enjoy the company of your "handsome boss Rick"
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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big t--s.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I
needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an
emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I
decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally
predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided
that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed
from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things
and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very
energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the
ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took
everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.
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An Australian physicist was recently asked to give a high school English class an explanation of what "orders of magnitude" means in a scientific context and why it is used. This is what he told them.
"Orders of magnitude implies that something is many times larger when compared to similar objects. For an example, a dog is orders of magnitude larger than a mouse, and several orders of magnitude larger than an ant."
The teacher then held up an apple and asked "what would this look like orders of magnitude larger?"
The physicist replied "A shitload of apples" causing the class to burst into laughter.
"Dare I ask what it would look like several orders of magnitude larger?" She enquired coyly.
"That would be fuc_king shitloads of apples." He replies to the mirth of the class. "In English, F words are orders of magnitude above S words. Then you have C words, which are fuc_king shitloads of orders of magnitude above both F and S words." By now even the teacher is giggling and the class are in tears.
"Well thank you very much for your explanation" the teacher manages to stammer out. "It's been quite educational"
The physicist smiles, leans towards her and whispers in her ear "Don't forget the most important lesson from today. Even the English language, something that only really exists in the minds of those humans who speak it, follows the rules of physics. 'Cos physics rules. And English sucks."
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A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this <deleted> badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge, show him your <deleted> BADGE........ ! !"
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always got to laugh at the absurd alcohol sales bans
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but 
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Driving Directions
in Jokes - Puzzles and Riddles - Make My Day!
Posted
People frequently ask for directions to my home, directions which they can't, won't, or simply do not follow, I've been thinking of giving them directions to a major mall instead, so they can buy a GPS...
Not sure how appreciative they'd be...