warfie
-
Posts
751 -
Joined
-
Last visited
Content Type
Events
Forums
Downloads
Quizzes
Gallery
Blogs
Posts posted by warfie
-
-
You know of course that it was really much worse! as:-
ON DAY ONE, THE CHARACTER IN THE SONG GETS A SINGLE PRESENT (A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE). BUT ON DAY TWO, THE BENEFICIARY RECEIVES A NEW PRESENT (A PAIR OF TURTLE DOVES) PLUS ANOTHER PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE. DAY THREE BRINGS A SECOND HELPING OF DAY TWO'S GIFTS, PLUS MORE NEW ITEMS (THREE FRENCH HENS). THIS CARRIES ON ALL THE WAY TO THE TWELFTH DAY WHEN 12 DRUMMERS DRUMMING, AND NEW COPIES OF ALL THE PREVIOUS DAY'S GIFTS ARE RECEIVED
The total becomes 264!!
on day one, the character in the song gets a single present (a partridge in a pear tree). but on day two, the beneficiary receives a new present (a pair of turtle doves) plus another partridge in a pear tree. day three brings a second helping of day two's gifts, plus more new items (three french hens). this carries on all the way to the twelfth day when 12 drummers drumming, and new copies of all the previous day's gifts are received
ahh... that's better...
-
I hope you're not allergic to nuts, because I want to kick yours so hard, you'll have to swallow them...
Meanwhile, I'm laughing my arse off.
I love a groaner...
-
NEWS FLASH!
Person actually does the job he's paid to do, and puts up a sign!
thats why he put the sign in thai only.to prevent farang freezing sarcasm.but it did not work
My comment was actually regarding the newsworthiness of the article...
Are you familiar with the term "sarchasm"?
You might need this...
-
Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman Pinscher.
-
A man goes to Spain and attends a bullfight. Afterwards he goes to a nearby restaurant and orders the specialty of the day. The waiter brings him two very big balls on a huge plate, which the tourist eats with relish. The next day he goes to the same restaurant again, once again orders the specialty of the day, and he is brought two very big balls on a huge plate. It tastes even more scrumptious.
The third day he does the same and the fourth, but on the fifth day he goes to the restaurant and orders the specialty of the day, and they bring him two very small balls on a big plate. The man asks, "What gives?"
And the waiter says, "Senor, the bullfighter doesn't always win!"
-
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
He heard the ref was blowing fowls.
-
- Popular Post
- Popular Post
NEWS FLASH!
Person actually does the job he's paid to do, and puts up a sign!
-
7
-
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 1, 2012
RE: Gala Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.
There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 2, 2012
RE: Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.
There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.
We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 3, 2012
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name...
I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Patty
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: November 4, 2012
RE: Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.
There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: November 5, 2012
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party
I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your fuc_king salad bar, including organic tomatoes.
But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you fuc_king wierdos can kiss my arse. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The fuc_king Bitch from Hell!!!
Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: November 6, 2012
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the asylum.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Whatever!
Joan
-
2
-
-
so I woke-up this morning ready to go fishing.
I asked the wife if she wanted to come.
she said no, so I said "fishing, oral sex or anal sex, your choice"
she chose to give me oral...
2 seconds later she's spitting and whining that "it tastes like shit!"
I said "yeah, the dog didn't want to go fishing either..."
-
Q: If I had one cricket ball in one hand, and another cricket ball in the other hand, what would I have?
A: One bloody big cricket!
-
1
-
-
This woman owned two Dachshunds, a male and a female.
A friend of hers calls one day and says, "How do you keep him away from her when she's in heat?"
"Oh that's not a problem" she says, "When I go out, I put the female upstairs."
"And does that do the trick?" asks her friend.
"Well," she says, "Have you ever seen a Dachshund try to climb stairs with an erection?"
-
- Popular Post
- Popular Post
What if someone actually did it?
December 14, 1972
My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always, Agnes
December 15, 1972
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love, Agnes
December 16, 1972
Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
All my love, Agnes
December 17, 1972
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnes
December 18, 1972
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes
December 19, 1972
Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbours are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.
Cordially, Agnes
December 20, 1972
John:
What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of dam_n joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those freaking birds.
Sincerely, Agnes
December 21, 1972
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their dam_n cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.
Agnes
December 22, 1972
Hey <deleted>:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbours have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours! Agnes
December 23, 1972
You rotten prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhoea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.
I'm calling the police on you! Agnes
December 24, 1972
Listen fuc_khead:
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy, Agnes
December 25, 1972
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially, Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chole
-
5
-
Three women talk about their husband's performance as lovers.
The first woman says, "My husband is a marriage counsellor, so he always buys me flowers and candy before we make love."
The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and use leather sometimes."
The third woman shakes her head and says, "My husband works for an Internet company. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."
-
A gynaecologist tired of his profession, and wanting less responsibility, decided a career change was in order. After some serious thought, he decided that being an engine mechanic, something he had once enjoyed prior to college, would be a good choice. However, it had been a long time since he had tinkered with an engine and he knew that in order to compete with the younger workforce, he would have to go to school.
He enrolled in a technical institute that specialized in teaching auto mechanics. He aced the course, but the final exam required each student to completely strip and reassemble an engine. It was with some trepidation that he took the test. At completion, he turned the engine over to his instructors for evaluation and awaited his final grade.
When they were handed out, he did a double take at the 150% grade he received. Rather confused, he asked his instructors how it was possible to have a grade like this. "It is really quite simple," they said. "We gave you 50% for correctly disassembling the engine, 50% for correctly reassembling it, and an additional 50% for doing it all through the muffler."
-
1
-
-
The wife asked me if her new dress made her arse look fat.
"honestly?" I asked.
"yes, honestly."
"no, it's your arse that makes that dress look fat."
The doctor says I will probably be walking again in less than a year...
-
1
-
-
A young couple were married, and celebrated their first
night together, doing what newly weds do, time and again,
all night long.
Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but
finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the
bride to please bring one from the bedroom.
When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door,
exposing his body for the first time to his bride where
she see him well.
Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped
and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's THAT?", pointing
to a small part of his anatomy.
He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said,
"Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."
And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"
Cold morning?
-
1
-
-
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
I get this from my velociraptor.... and she can't even drive!
-
1
-
-
A Chinese guy goes to a Jew to buy black bras, size 38.
The Jew, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 each for them.
The Chinese guy buys 25.
He returns a few days later, and this time orders 50.
The Jew tells him that they have become even harder to get, and charges him $60.00 each.
The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the Jews remaining stock of 50, and this time for $75.00 each.
The Jew is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy, "...please tell me - What do you do with all these black bras?"
The Chinese guy answers: "I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to you Jews for $200.00 each."
-
2
-
-
Years ago, I built a computer for a client, it included a CD burner.
It tested OK, but after delivery, the client complained that the burner was not working.
I had him bring the machine back and I tested it, it seemed fine.
He collected it but next day complained again that the CDs he burned were no good.
He brought it back again, and again, it tested OK.
We were all baffled!
I asked him to bring in one of the failed CDs, he did.
After burning, he had labelled it with a ball-point pen, thereby destroying the data layer... DOH!
-
Lady: Do you smoke?
Guy: Yes I do.
Lady: How many packs a day?
Guy: 3 packs.
Lady: How much per pack?
Guy: $10.00 per pack.
Lady: And how long have you been smoking?
Guy: 15 years
Lady: So 1 pack is $10.00 and you have been smoking 3 packs a day which puts your spending per month at $900. In 1 year, it would have been $10,800. Correct?
Guy: Correct.
Lady: If 1 year you spend $10,800, not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending total at $162,000. Correct?
Guy: Correct.
Lady: Do you know if you hadn't smoke, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have by now bought a Ferrari?
Guy: Oh. Do you smoke?
Lady: No.
Guy: Then where's your Ferrari?-
2
-
-
Just got back from a call-out, one of the problems was that the customer had replaced the cartridge in his printer and it still didn't work.
He figured that he'd made some mistake installing it.
I took it out and it looked dry, as if empty (the case was opaque so I couldn't see if it had ink or not).
He handed me the box it came in, with the 'old' cartridge inside, asking "did I get the wrong one?"
I looked at it and asked if he had removed the protective tape from new one and put it on the old one.
He said "no... OH! I didn't did I?!"
He had taken the old cartridge out, opened the new box and somehow mixed them and put the old one back in again...
Poor guy was so embarrassed...
-
I seem to be out of ammunition...
-
Great story and so true and so well written!
Well done man!
Fancy a ride with me sometime? Riding in Phuket
-
Kev, I hope you enjoy the company of your "handsome boss Rick"
Bubbas Secret
in Jokes - Puzzles and Riddles - Make My Day!
Posted
One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is.
"Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"
The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"