warfie

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fell in love and got married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry"

I was shopping with the wife and I grabbed a case of beer.

She said that we could not afford it, but it was only $20, after a short argument, I replaced the beer on the shelf...

A little later she takes some face cream ($50) from a shelf and I ask what she's doing? "It's my face cream, it makes me look beautiful"

I said "So does a case of beer, and it's less than half the price!"

The doctor says he should be able to remove it...

Failed

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbours who feared the woman the most.

"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed she practised black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. She was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

She died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the husband went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

The gaiety of his actions were becoming extreme while his neighbours approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this woman who practised black magic and stated when she died she would dig her way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The man put down his drink and said, "Let the bitch dig. I had her buried face down."

Bullet-proof tattoos? Prove it!

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a guy on a Harley for travelling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning

instead of a ticket.

The officer then presses him for the last name.The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose

your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good

grades. When I got older, I realised that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school,

internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being

a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my

degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

I got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was

Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD.

Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD

leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

A wise old man was asked, "At your ripe age, what would you prefer to get – Parkinson’s or Alzheimer's?"

The wise one answered, "Definitely Parkinson’s.

Better to spill half an ounce of Scotch than to forget where you keep the bottle!"

Very wise indeed.

I'd rather see him extradited than assassinated...

Plodprasop will have the answer! let's have nuclear powered buses!

Particularly in Thailand since there are no laws are on the books for men who like to get off and make babies are hunted down and forced to pay financal support..'Unlike the west where large percentage a man's salary may be attached or thrown in Jail if they fail to financially support children whom he help foster into theworld, there-by putting the total weight & financial burden 100% percent on the woman, what alternatives does she have in light of and in view of total lack of education and the necessary skills to be a productive individual in a society which is governed irresponsible and imature men.Until more women get into grass root politics and obtain political clout to change the rules of the game...NOTHING WILL EVER CHANGE.

A man would never get away with that kind of crap in the western countires, especially in the U.SA.

and periodically the man would be taken to court by the woman for increases in child support based on a record of his salary increases if any, usually win.

Which has exactly what to do with the topic at hand?

Asia's Archaic Sex Work Laws

Excellent!!!

Your card has gone - and so has every other card in the first batch. Completely different set of cards in the second batch. Not much magic there!!

Good on you for posting a spoiler!

Thanks to Ron19

Miracle Thailand!!!

Not a joke, apparently a true story (but <deleted> funny!)

A Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety….?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.AWESOME!!!Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie(for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’ What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best…?

I’m sitting there alone , Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, ‘don’t do it dipsh!t,’ reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ol’ thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I’m pretty sure The Hulk ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative? A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I sh!t myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I’m still looking for my nuts and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.!o)

Poor fella…

Aaron

A very Australian computer problem: (from many years ago).

A user called to say that when he turned on his computer last night it "hissed" at him, worked for a few minutes, then stopped.

I arranged an on-site call, and decided to take this one personally.

This is what I found...

<-- At least the CD-ROM is the right way up -->

Not what you're looking for, I know, but:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner, a New Englander, and a Californian)an Argentinian, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47 Africans walk into a fine restaurant....

"I'm sorry," said the maître d', after he had scrutinized the group one by one and barred their entrance saying....

"You can't come in here without a Thai."

I once got an unexpectedly helpful reply to a question I asked on Microsoft's on-line tech support service. I wrote back to thank them for a complete and concise reply and said how much I appreciated it.

The next day I had a response:

"We are looking in to the problem and will contact you with a solution as soon as possible."

Caption 1) Finally! a practical use for a tablet PC.

Alternatively,

Caption 2) This will not be covered by warranty.

true, the Irish call their currency the "Punt" as it rhythms with bank manager

Love it, I laughed so hard I almost kissed the wife!

What exactly is this about anyway? Does Apple think they have a patent on rounded corners or something? Pathetic...