warfie

Two Irishmen are visiting Rome, and they stop in a pub for a drink. "Seamus, what is it that the Pope drinks there now?" asks Paddy. "That'll be Creme de Menthe" says Seamus.

"OK barman, we'll have two pints of Creme de Menthe and keep them coming".

In the morning they wake up in the alley next to the pub, massively hungover, covered in vomit, etc.

"Seamus, are you sure the Pope drinks that Creme de Menthe stuff?" asks Paddy.

"For sure", says Seamus.

"Well no wonder they carry him around in a f***ing chair" says Paddy.

Billy Connolly?

I keep looking for the words "NotTheNation"...

My budgie escaped from it's cage a few months ago.

He caught the cat and to everyones surprise he RAPED her!!!

I now have some kittens going cheep, if anyone's interested...

After hearing the complaints, Karon Police Deputy Superintendent Narong Laksanawimon explained, “We have ordered the Russian tour operators to temporarily close their counters until we are able to find a solution to this problem.”

Isn't the solution obvious? The local tuk tuk and taxi drivers start operating fair business and stop charging exorbitant rates, compete in an open market by operating in an honest manner.

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the Presidents of the breweries decide to go to the pub for a drink. The Coors President said "Can I have the only beer made with pure Rocky Mountain Spring Water: a Coors, please."

The bartender gave him the drink.

Then the Budweiser President orders, "The King Of Beers -- Budweiser."

The bartender proceeds with the order.

The Fosters President walks in and orders "The Finest Beer ever."

The bartender gives him a Fosters.

Then the Amstel President says, "I'll have a glass of water please."

The bartender is taken aback by this but gives the water to him anyway.

All the Presidents looked over at him and said, "Why have you ordered water?"

He replied, "Well if you all aren't drinking beer, then neither shall I."

Q: What do Canadians do with used condoms?

A: Recycle them and make chewing gum for export to the U.S.A.

Two Americans open a bungee jumping business in Mexico. They set up on the square of a small village.

Bob jumps, bounces at the end of the cord and flies back up by the platform. Jeff isn't able to catch his friend, but he notices that Bob has a few cuts and scratches.

Bob falls again, bounces, and comes back up. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, Jeff misses pulling Bob up.

The third time it happens, Bob comes back pretty messed up -- he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Jeff finally catches him and says, "Holy cow, what happened? Was the cord too long?"

"No," says Bob. "The cord was fine, but the birthday party down there thinks I'm a pinata!"

People frequently ask for directions to my home, directions which they can't, won't, or simply do not follow, I've been thinking of giving them directions to a major mall instead, so they can buy a GPS...

Not sure how appreciative they'd be...

Q: What's the difference between a wedding and a wake?

A: One less drunk

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are wandering through the desert, hungry and hallucinating, when they come upon a rotting, dead camel.

"Well," said the Englishman, "I support the Liverpool football club, so I'll eat the liver."

"I support the Hearts club," said the Scotsman, "so I'll eat the heart."

"I support Arsenal," said the Irishman, "but I seem to have lost my appetite."

Juan pedals up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and asks, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answers Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart. He empties them out and finds nothing but sand.

He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that it is pure sand.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and allows him to cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years. Finally, one day, Juan doesn't show up and the guard sees him in a cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you're smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his tequila and says, "Stolen bicycles."

RIP, poor guy just trying to earn a living for himself and his family but:

The victim was a taxi motorbike driver-for-hire in south Pattaya. Nearby was his fallen bike, a black Honda Wave 100. The bike was severely damaged in the front, with its wire basket crushed.

Sorry? "severely damaged"?

Once upon a time Nasa decided to send 3 astronauts to space for 2 years. One was American, one was Russian, and the other was English. NASA allowed each of them to take 200 pounds of baggage each.

The American decided to take along his wife, the Englishman decided to take along books to learn how to speak German, whilst the Russian decided to take along cigarettes.

Two years later, when the space shuttle landed, there was a big crowd waiting to welcome them home. First came the American and his wife, and each of them had a baby in their arms. Next came the Englishman speaking fluent German. They both gave their speeches and got a rousing round of applause.

Suddenly, out came the Russian with a cigarette in his mouth. He walked up to the podium, snarled at the crowd, and asked,

"Has anyone got a <deleted>' match?"

Q: What happened to the Native American who drank too much tea?

A: He drowned in his own tea pee.

Ok, I know where the door is...

Q: What did the normal baby say to the test-tube baby?

A: Your dad's a wanke_r.

and but and

Thank you for making me want to laugh like hell while kicking you in the <deleted>!

Once there were two Chinese gentlemen named Mr. Ho and Mr. Chen.

They were neighbours but happened to be very competitive.

One day Mr. Ho decided to start a shoe business, he named his store WE DO SHOE.

Now Mr. Chen decided he must compete with Mr. Ho, so he started a shoe business right next door to Mr. Ho's store and he named it SHOE DO WE.

I asked for a second opinion and his partner said "No, but it'll feel like it."

I went to the doctor today and asked "If I quit drinking, smoking, and all those other bad things, will I live longer?"

He said "Yeah, but why would you want to?"

What is 6.9?

A really great thing ruined by a period.

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.

The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.

"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."

A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.

"I'm going down to give blood."

"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"

"About $20."

"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.

The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.

"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"

She pulls out a note-pad and pen and writes "sperm bank"

Q: What do you call the space between Pamela Anderson's breasts?

A: Silicon Valley.

At a restaurant the other night, I recognised the pretty little star shaped flower with the distinctive liquorice perfume, I mentioned to the waitress "I love your anise"

Next thing I know I'm coming around on an ambulance gurney and the police are arresting the waitress and my wife.