chickenslegs

True story: I once went shopping alone in Tesco Lotus Pattaya. A very good looking young lady was struggling to reach a product from a high shelf, so I helped her. We had a very short conversation and I was rewarded by a gorgeous Thai smile (this was before masks) before we each went on with our shopping. When I arrived home about 30 minutes later these were the very first words that greeted me from my wife: "Who was that lady you were talking to in Lotus?"

Electorate

I've heard beeping reversing warnings but not beeping hazard lights. Maybe the old chap mistakenly thought you were beeping your horn at him.

Sundae

Live at the high end on 170,000 per month - I don't think so. Won't that upset your chauffeur?

Cub

Did you see the news of the guy who fell into an upholstery machine? You'll be glad to know that he's fully recovered.

I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented ....... I forgot where I was going with this.

I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my U-turn.

My Australian friend had been living overseas for so long that he couldn't remember how to throw a boomerang. Eventually it came back to him.

Not least the stoker himself.

Death (on)

I'm not really a grumpy old man, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, lawyers, loud music, unruly kids, barking dogs, politicians, and a few other things I can't seem to remember right now.

Three old schoolfriends were celebrating their 70th birthdays together and talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now. 'I would like my grandchildren to say, 'He was successful in business', declared the first man. 'Fifty years from now, 'said the second, 'I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man'. Turning to the third gent, the first gent asked, 'So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?' 'Me?' the third man replied. 'I want them all to say, 'He still looks good for his age!'

A definition of retirement: You get up in the morning with nothing to do, and go to bed at night having only done half of it.

A typical day in the life of a grumpy old man. I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the rubbish bin under the table, and notice that the bin is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of coke that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye: they need to be watered. I place the coke down on the work surface, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the work top, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone has left it on the kitchen table. I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the lounge where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day: The car isn't washed. The bills aren't paid. There is a warm can of coke sitting on the work surface. The flowers don't have enough water. There is still only one cheque in my chequebook. I can't find the TV remote. I can't find my glasses and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail. PS. I just remembered, I left the f'ing water running......................................

How to Solve the Problem of Crowded Jails in the UK - An Idea from Mr Grumpy Let us put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home. This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks. They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs et and they'd receive money instead of paying it out. They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance. Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them. A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell. They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose. They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education. Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, pyjamas and legal aid would be free, on request. Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens. Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily 'phone calls. There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to. ..... And the criminals? The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay £600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out. Kindly sent in by Maggie Nutt.

Ship

Not really enough information in the OP but, looking at the photo, it seems that the collision occurred at the rear of the car. So not a case of stepping out of the car into the path of the bike.

Beat

Isn't the scumbag already in prison in the US serving a 20+ year sentence for rape? What would be the benefit of another trial in the UK for a lesser offence?

While he was waiting for his scrambled egg.

Box

River