A. BOOZER

Tony Blair started jogging near Chequers. Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow. "Fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb. "No! Five pounds!" Tony would fire back. This ritual between Tony and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty pounds!" He'd yell back, "Fiver!" One day, Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Tony realised she'd bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He knew he'd better have a ###### good explanation for the 'Boss'. As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Tony became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the tart. Tony tried to avoid her eyes as she watched the pair jog past. Then, from the pavement, the tart yelled, "See what you get for a fiver!!"

The only thing I am aware of that garlic helps is in metabolism and vampires.

Maybe it stops all blood sucking creatures...

It certainly never stopped my first wife!

Guess I can buy a small safe locally like the ones they sell in hardware stores over here in the UK???

No point in buying a safe if you are not going to be able to rawbolt or cement it in place!

We will shortly be re-locating to Thailand from the U.K. Does anyone got experience on shipping/removal companies, any recomendations or sensible advice would be much appreciated.

Probably looking at about 12 cubic meters plus.

Subject: FW: GRADING PAPERS

Subject: Fw: GRADING PAPERS

Can you imagine yourself to be the nun that is sitting at her desk grading these papers all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure!

Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. If you know the Bible even a little, you'll find this hilarious! It comes from a catholic elementary school test kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected.

Incorrect spelling has been left in.

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING

THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN

OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE

WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL

LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD

WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10 THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

Jokes from Muslim stand-up comic Goffaq Yussef.

Maybe a sign of peace when we start hearing humor from a Palestinian

perspective..................................... just don't hold your breath!

Good evening gentlemen, and get out, ladies.

On my flight to New York there must have been an Israeli in the bathroom

the entire time. There was a sign on the door that said, "Occupied.

What do you say to a Muslim woman with two black eyes? Nothing! You told her twice already!

How many Palestinians does it take to change a light

bulb? None! They sit in the dark forever and blame the Jews for it!

Did you hear about the Broadway play, "The Palestinians"? It bombed! What do you call a first-time offender in Saudi Arabia? Lefty!

Did you hear about the Muslim strip club? It features full facial nudity!

Why do Palestinians find it convenient to live on the West Bank? Because it's just a stone's throw from Israel

Why are Palestinian boys luckier than American boys? Because every Palestinian boy will get to join a rockgroup

A Palestinian suspect was being grilled by Israeli police.

"Honest, I'm not a suicide bomber," he said. "I didn't say I wanted to

blow myself up so I could sleep with 72 virgins. All I said was, 'I'm

dying to get laid!'"

What does the sign say above the nursery in a

Palestinian maternity ward? "Live ammunition."

Palestinian girl says to her mommy: "After Abdul blows himself up, can I have his room?"

A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the

lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive

young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing

a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation

with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she

had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to

maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on

his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone

coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned

against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nud_e,

she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be

your ears!"

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these

breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My

butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere!

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you

heard someone coming? That was me."

Special Bulletin from the Pentagon

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite

fighting

unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces. These Alabama,

Arkansas, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, and Kansas boys will be

dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about

terrorists:

1. The season opened today.

2. There is no limit.

3. They taste just like chicken.

4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.

5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.

Four children electrocuted in Chiang Mai

CHIANG MAI: -- Four children were electrocuted from short circuit from wielding shop when they swam in a canal near the shop, police reported.

--The Nation 2006-04-28

Tragic! Such a terrible thing to happen.

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and

he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still

standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your

seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive

at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive

today."

"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my

job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing

he'd never gone to work that morning.

"Who's going to tell?" says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind

the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting

the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

(Remember, he's a German Pope.)

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the

Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but

the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on

the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a

limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, "Who do you have there, the mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: " A senator?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "The Prime Minister?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "His chauffeur is the Pope."

Subject: The real Brokeback Mountain.

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She

was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but

knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the

newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She

thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she

decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him

around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew

a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch

was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the

hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks

great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no

hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room,

he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of

wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. Unbutton my

blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as

she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each

gently and placed them neatly by her boots. Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was

told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he

slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town

again, you're fired."

Can't help wondering what visa he will enter the U.K. on!

Obituary: The Sad Passing of Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who

has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was

since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as

knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird catches the

worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend

more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children,

are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but

overbearing regulations were set in place.

Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for

kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after

lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only

worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the

job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental

consent to administer Panadol, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a

student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became

pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became

contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better

treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a

burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to

realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in

her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust his

wife, Discretion; his daughter Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else is

to Blame, and I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone.

If you still remember him pass this on.

If not join the majority and do nothing!

Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training.

After the first day they met up in the bar.

"Ah, Pierre," asks one, " 'ow 'av you been doing?"

"Merde!" answers Pierre. "I 'av 'ad a mos' terrible day. Terrible! At seex

zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of

bed and on to ze parade ground."

"And zen what 'appened?" inquires his mate.

"I weel tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis silly leetle

platform five feet off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!"."

"And did you jump?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im - "I am a French paratrooper. I do not jump

five feet. It is beneass my dignity."

"And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb up zis silly leetle platform ten feet off ze

ground, and 'e said "Jump!"."

"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im - "I am a French paratrooper. It is beneass

my dignity to jump ten feet."

"What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform a 'undred feet above ze

parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous willy,

and 'e said: "If you do not jurmp, I am going to stick zis right urp

your burm."."

"Ooooh!" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?"

"A leetle, at ze beginning"

A Geordie is drinking in a London bar when he gets a call on his mobile phone.

He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, he orders a round of drinks for everyone

in the bar, because, he announces his wife has just produced a typical

Geordie baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Geordie shrugs,

"That's about average in the Northeast. Like I said, my boy is a typical Geordie baby boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of

"Jeezaz" were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Geordie returns to the bar. The bartender says

"You're the father of that typical Geordie baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth.

Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks. We were going to call

you.

So, how much does he weigh?"

The proud father answers, "17 pounds"

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25

pounds the day he was born."

The Geordie father takes a long slow swig from his beer, wipes his lips

on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says..............

"Had him circumcised"

lopburi3 is correct (as always) No duty free import of personal belongings unless you have a one-year non-immigrant visa accompanied by a work permit to work in Thailand for at least one year.

Nonresidents entering into Thailand with a non-immigrant visa who wish to retire are not qualified for duty exemption.

More details here:

http://www.customs.go.th/Customs-Eng/House...nuNme=HouseHold

Have I been under a misaprehension? I had understood that a returning Thai National could import household effects free of duty, if they had been domiciled abroad for two years or more. I would like to clarify this matter, as it will have serious implications for the wife and myself.

This may be of use to some of you expats living in Thailand and renting property out in the UK, read in the newspaper this morning.

This is from the office of the fat deputy prime minister, another stupid law for us guys renting out property, as i know i have a few freinds in Thailand that live on there incombe from renting there house etc in the uk.

Amazing! He 'forgets'to pay Council Tax on two properties, and yet has the nerve for this latest load of nonsense.

Possibly it is something that we, of advancing years, tend to notice. Although not having had the benefit of a university education, I must admit that I do not care for the modern American style, attitude towards spelling. Spelling was 'drummed' into us, in our school days, as were certain basics in arithmetic, but that is another subject!

Hi,

How do you react to that? Your Wife/Gf cooks nice Dinner at Home everything is perfect ...except. She tell you " no Beer/Wine " with it . How do you handle it???

Thanks for your feedbacks!

rcm

Would think that she was having a brainstorm, or maybe I was in the wrong house!

and if they are willing to adopt a no win no fee service I will persue I may persue regardless.

TIT

Hi have looked through forum but cant find answer to this! We want to open a thai bank account for my partner when we are back out in Thailand in a month or so. We are both English with O multiple entry visas. I allready have a thai account but cant remember what paperwork we need to take along to open a new account anyone know?

Cheers

If my memory is correct, simply a current passport and address details, were sufficient at Siam Bank.

Can anyone recomend a resort in or around Mae Sot. Will be driving up to Phayao from Rayong for Songkran, myself and "she who must be obeyed" are looking for just one nights accomodation. Want to take this opportunity to take a quick look around, as it has been 'mentioned' on the last several trips back to see the family. Am aware of the hotel accomodation in town, but prefer the informality that a resort offers. Thanks.

My wife food favourites include: lamb, salmon, Indian food, black pudding, gammon, mushy peas, popcorn, toast with lime marmalade.

She hates: Jellied eels (strange woman!) Wish I was down the 'Smoke' for a large bowl at Tubby Isaacs!

An Australian, an Irishman and a Liverpudlian are in a bar.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the

Corner, he's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs:

My God, it's Jesus!"

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a

pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the

pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus

approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for

the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The

arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.

As He lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock, "Strewth mate, the bad

back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle."

Jesus then approaches the Liverpudlian who knocks over a chair and a

table in trying to get away from the Son of God.

"What's wrong my son?" says Jesus.

The Liverpudlian shouts, "B****r off, I'm on disability benefit!"

- ÃÐວà«ç§á«è

- ÃÒ¾³ÒÊÙÃ

- ÊÃÃáÊÃé§

- ͹ءҪҴ

- ¡àÌÇÃÒ¡

- ÊÒÃѵ¶»ÃÐ⪹ì

- ÈÈÔ¸Ã

- ÇÔËÒä´

What does it really mean ?

Probably that you have not got Thai fonts installed on your computer!