A. BOOZER

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night.

Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy". Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way den."

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. Shoite, Shoite!" he cries.

He looks to the doorway and says to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement. He falls flat on his face.

"Bejesus . I'm fockin' focked," says he.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and collapses inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way." But he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed."

Again he pulls himself up by the doorframe, takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock this, I gotta stop drinking," and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"

Paddy says, "I did, Jess, I did. I was fockin' pissed, and how did you know?"

"Mick the bartender phoned . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub."

Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A: A hooker can clean her crack and resell it the next day.

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important

meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a

parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and

give up me Irish Whiskey".

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he

meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the

wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to

heaven?

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you

die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group

together to go right now."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

O'Malley worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd

been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to

bother him and he went to confession to repent.

"Father, it's been15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood

from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.

"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"

O'Malley said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Callahan was in New York. He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted,

"Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this

several times, and Callahan still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Callahan went over

to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Fiene.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Fiene. "Where are ye callin' from?"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in

Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and

then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have

you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

4. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hel_l everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa.. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOSH!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."

If this is true, these all must have been Democrates!

*Hard to believe, but true: Why the United States of America is in trouble

Perhaps this will explain it all

A Washington, DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our

country is in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her

hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

2.. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to

Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport

information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you

look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts," Without trying to make

her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts,

Capetown is in Africa," Her response - click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package

we did. I asked what was wrong* *with the vacation in Orlando. He said

he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not

possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied,

"Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!"*

*4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to

see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so

close on the map."

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a

car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a

1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car,

he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to

drive between gates to save time."

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it

was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am and got to

Chicago at 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of

Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones.

Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical

description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?"*

**

*I said, "No, why do you ask?"*

**

*She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag

on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very

rude!*

**

*After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was

laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is

(FAT), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii.

After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to

fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?"

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How

do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to

which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these

planes have numbers on them."

10. A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola,

Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I

asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Fl. on a commuter plane. She said,

"Yeah, whatever, smarty!"

11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he

needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about

passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've

been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double

checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this

he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have

accepted my American Express!"

12. A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to

go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." I was at a loss for words.*

**

*Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"*

**

*Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. *

**

*After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked

up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere."*

**

*The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is.

Check your map!" So I scoured a map of the state of New York and

finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" *

*The reply? "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal".

Now you know why Government is in the shape that it's in!*

There are good and bad at all levels in life, and understanding why some Thai girls prostitute themselves is to have gained some insight into life in the country. Have met up with many chaps that have had long and succesful marriages with ex BGs, also the other side of the coin. I wonder, do other members have similar opinions of the women back in the U.K. that set themselves up as "Trophy Wives"?

Very many thanks!

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below responded, "You must be a manager."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

A biker stopped by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed....

They couldn't do it while he waited....so, he said he didn't live far and

would just walk home.

On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an

anvil.Then he stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a

couple of chickens and a goose.

Struggling outside the store, he now had a problem: how to carry all of his

purchases home.

While he stood there, scratching his head, he was approached by a little old

lady....who told him she was lost..... She asked; "Can you tell me how to

get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The biker replied; "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird

Lane. I would walk you home..... but, I can't carry all of this."

The old lady suggested; "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry

the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in

your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said.....and proceeded to walk the old girl

home. On the way, he said; "Let's take my short cut and go down this

alley....We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over and replied; "I am a lonely widow,

without a husband to defend me. How do I know, if we get in the alley, that

you won't hold me up against the wall and ravish me?"

The biker answered; "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two

chickens, and a goose.....How in the world could I possibly hold you up

against the wall and do that?"

The lady replied; "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the

anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."

Can anyone suggest a hotel (or resort) in Loei? Will be driving down from Phayao, via Nan, and would like to overnight in Loei.

Sorry that is the fax number,  try 053-534865

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Many Thanks.

Can anyone suggest any accomodation in Lamphun, rather than having to go back to Chiang Mai?

Never tell a woman, "Cooking is her job"

Ayutthaya Snaps

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Good pictures, and very nicely presented. How come those I take never come out so well?

An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the council worker.

"10" replies the Essex girl

"10?" says the council worker. "What are their names?"

"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and

Wayne"

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out playing

in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY, or WAAYNE

GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed

council worker.

"That's easy," says the Essex girl... "I just use their surnames"

An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on

the counter.

"I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress."

she says.

"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.

"No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."

Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.

The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."

She says "I'll take the red one."

The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."

An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and

bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.

Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some

questions?"

Medic: "What's your name?"

Girl: "Sharon."

Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?"

Sharon: "Yes."

Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"

Sharon: "Romford, mate."

An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was

her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Treacle, I just heard on the news

that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car!" said the Essex girl, "There's hundreds of

them!"

Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's Blood

everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till

she's lying flat out on the floor.

Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."

Sharon: "Ok."

Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"

Sharon: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"

An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex Girl notices

something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing. she says,

"Scuse me mate, I aint being funny or nuffink, but why doz one of your

wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it?"

So the Irish guy smiles,puts down his glass of Guinness and replies,

"Well, oim a little bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for me

roight foot and the one wit the L is for me Left foot"

"Cor blimey, exclaims the Essex girl, "So THATS why me knickers 'ave got

C&A on them.

After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive", Osama

himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to

let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter an it appeared to contain a single line of coded

message: 370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides

had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then toThe NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for

help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply: "Tell

the President he's holding the message upside down."

If they inform the kind people of the North and the Hilltribes to save up feathers from chickens and sew two blankets together with the feathers in between.  Then sew acroos the blanket in about one half meter squares to keep the feathers in place, that will work for the future years.  There is nothing like a big feather or down comforter to keep old man winter out!

More tips will come when I think about it.

Like dress in layers of clothing with the loosest at the end.

Put your feet in a pillow case at night.

I hope this gets someone some help.

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Am sure that your survival techniques work well in the Northern Latitudes, the cold there would probably kill off any bird flu virus that is around!

A very happy birthday to his Majesty the King and good health in the future.

Hopefully most of them die of old age after enjoying their time here in Pattaya

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The roofs of condos in Pattaya seem to be quite dangerous

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The obvious answer, stay at ground level!

I agree the person obviously did something very bad. But what this has to do with his race or religion?  And what gave you the right to start making racist comments about his people? This is still beyond my comprehension.

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Are you really so PC that you do not want to see any humour relating to Blondes, Fat People, Jews, Catholics, Farmers, Lawyers, Pilots or any other category that can define people. Humour is humour, and one thing that the majority of Brits can do, is laugh at themselves and their own situations, without any true malice. Let's face it, without a sense of humour, would we have Tony Blair as Prime Minister?

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

I thought all Arabs were gay.....

What will they get up to next?

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Probably spend all night searching for a good looking camel!

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are "the seven dwarfs" they get ushered in to see the Pope.

Dopey leads the pack.

"Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"

Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling.

Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.

Dopey turns back to face the Pope.

"Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled again, thinks for a moment and then answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe."

This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them all with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back to the Pope and says, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns in the whole world?"

The Pope answers, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and laughing, pounding on the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting:

"Dopey screwed a penguin!"

"Dopey screwed a penguin!"

WOMAN'S DIARY:

Thursday, 24th June 2004

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me and that he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep.

MAN'S DIARY:

Thursday 24th June 2004

Arsenal lost to United. Gutted. Got a shag though.