A. BOOZER

Thank goodness for the "loo" just inside the entrance, a necessity after a long wait in the cold!

An Accident Report

I am writing in response to your request for “additional information.” In block number 30 of the accident report form, I put “poor planning” as the cause for my accident. You said in your last letter that I should explain more fully. I trust that the following detail will be sufficient.

I am an amateur radio operator. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80-foot antenna tower. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought about 300 lbs. of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and materials down by hand, I decided to lower the items in a small barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the pole at the tip of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and materials into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 300 lbs. of tools.

You will note in block number 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 155 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken clavicle.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly on the rope in spite of the pain. At about the same time however, the barrel hit the ground. The bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed 20 pounds.

I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might guess, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations or my legs and lower body.

The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of tools, and fortunately only three vertebras were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind.

I let go of the rope…

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are those machetes doing in your car?" asks the cop.

"I juggle them in my act."

"Oh, yeah? says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it. "The juggler gets out and starts tossing and catching the knives. Another man driving by slows down to watch.

"Wow, "says the passer-by. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!

Bambina,

It's hard to imagine someone with you sense of humour being alone. Have no idea of your true age, but suspect that you are not too ancient. Along the road of life, I am convinced that there is someone special for everyone. After more than one failed marriages, have now been happily married for several years to my Thai wife, who apart from anything else happens to be my best friend, and I could simply not imagine life without her!

Are you able to do like he do??

I'm not, not for one day and not for 100 years! This is why I can feel a little respect for him and would feel happy to give him some money even if he is a trillionare and sits there for his entire life.

You have got to be kidding!

In an attempt to thwart the spread of bird flu, George W. Bush has bombed the Canary Islands.

An old couple are having dinner at a restaurant and the husband leans

over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex

together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where

you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes, she

says, "I remember it well."

"Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll

around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Charlie,

you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good idea!"

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and

having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old

timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so

there's no trouble." So he follows them. They walk haltingly along,

leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally

they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As

she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt

into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen.

This goes on for about ten minutes. Finally, they both collapse

panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has

learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an

hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to

their feet and put their clothes back on. The Policeman, still

watching thinks, this was truly amazing. I've got to ask them what

their secret is.

As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me,

but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life

together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

The old man says, "Well, fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.

The Ant and the Grasshopper

CLASSIC VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE END

THE PC BRITISH VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like him, are cold and starving.

The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food. Britons are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the ant's house. The BBC, interrupting a Jamaican cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts them singing "We Shall Overcome" Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the ant has got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share".

In response to polls, the Labour Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant's taxes are reassessed, and he is also fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as helpers. Without enough money to pay both the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the government repossesses his home.

The ant moves to Spain, and starts a successful wine-exporting company. A Panorama special later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of the ant's food, though Spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain it.

Inadequate government funding is blamed, Trevor Phillips is appointed to head a commission of enquiry that will cost £10,000,000. The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose, the Daily Mirror blames it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity. The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant spiders, praised by the government for enriching Britain's multicultural diversity, who promptly set up a marijuana plantation and terrorise the community.

THE END

Two women meet in the afterlife:

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How did you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally had a peaceful death. What

aboutyou?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husbandwas cheating on me, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman in the housesomewherethat I started running all over the house looking for her. I ran up to the attic and searched. I ran down to the basement and searched.

Then I went through every closet and checked under all of the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so

exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of

his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar

home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave

him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like

this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my

left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with

her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth,

first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even

called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both

hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees,

but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open".

The Guys' Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally, the guys' side of the story.

(I must admit, it's pretty good.)

We always hear "the rules" from the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

Please note.. these are all numbered "1"

ON PURPOSE!

1. Men ARE not mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.

You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.

We need it up, you need it down.

You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon

or the changing of the tides.

Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.

And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.

Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!

Strong hints do not work!

Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do.

Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1 A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem . See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.

Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something

Or tell us how you want it done.

Not both.

If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings

Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will Be scratched.

We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.

We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,

or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this

Ye s, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

This is a classic. "Tenjewberrymuds."

To get the full effect, this should be read aloud.

conversation. This has been nominated for the best email of 2005.

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and

room-service at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in

the Far East Economic Review:

Room Service (RS): "Morrin. ; Roon sirbees."

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"

G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"

G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

G: "What?"

RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"

G: "I don't think so."

RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn

toes' means."

RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we

bodder?"

G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine.

Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bodder?"

G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."

RS: "Wad! ?"

G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Excuse me?"

RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"

G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder

on sigh and copy....rye??"

G: "Whatever you say."

RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."

G : "You're very welcome."

good luck to him as it was not a crime of voilence.

Would you say that if he had managed to use your credit card to purchase tickets in the first place, I think not!

A YOUNG MAN CALLED PETER INVITED HIS MOTHER FOR DINNER. DURING THE COURSE OF THE MEAL, HIS MOTHER COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE HOW HANDSOME PETER'S FLATMATE WAS.

SHE HAD LONG BEEN SUSPICIOUS OF A RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN THE TWO, AND THIS ONLY MADE HER MORE CURIOUS. OVER THE COURSE OF THE EVENING, WHILE WATCHING THE TWO INTERACT, SHE STARTED TO WONDER IF THERE WAS MORE BETWEEN PETER AND HIS FLATMATE THAN MET THE EYE.

READING HIS MUM'S THOUGHTS, PETER VOLUNTEERED, "I KNOW WHAT YOU MUST BE THINKING, BUT I ASSURE YOU, SIMON & I ARE JUST FLATMATES".

ABOUT A WEEK LATER, SIMON CAME TO PETER SAYING, "EVER SINCE YOUR MOTHER CAME TO DINNER, I'VE BEEN UNABLE TO FIND THE FRYING PAN, YOU DON'T SUPPOSE SHE TOOK IT DO YOU?"

"WELL, I DOUBT IT, BUT I'LL E-MAIL HER JUST TO BE SURE," SAID PETER, SO HE SAT DOWN AND WROTE:

DEAR MOTHER,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.

LOVE PETER

SEVERAL DAYS LATER, PETER RECEIVED AN E-MAIL FROM HIS MOTHER WHICH

READ:

DEAR SON,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.

LOVE MUM

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very

attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his

watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was

just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about

it?"

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing

panties!"

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast.

Husbands Beware!

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,

bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be

able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good

mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it

leaves a big f-cking red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond!

And I thought trying to learn the Thai language was difficult enough!

You say tomato, and I'll say tomato

Can anyone open the attachment?

TBWG

Me, neither!

Where can it be seen.

Interesting though if its a "Century old Boat" why it belonged to someone 70 years ago

Ten years ago, I owned a forty year old car"! (Now, I wish I could afford to own it!)

Memory was something you lost with age

An application was for employment

A program was a TV show

A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano

A web was a spider's home

A virus was the flu

A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 inch floppy . ...

. . . you just hoped nobody ever found out!

Because I am a Man

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AA is not an option. I will win.

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Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.

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Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.

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Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

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Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.....though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.....(applies to engineers mainly).

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Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.

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Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

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Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't....and if you are feeling amorous afterwards....then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

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Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

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Because I'm a man, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...... like wandering around in the garden with a cold beer wondering what to do.

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This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot.

The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.

"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird and it's an absolute steal at only $20." "Why is it so cheap?" the woman asks.

"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity".

"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.

Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman. "F .... me, a new brothel and a new madam". "I'm not a madam and this is not a brothel," scolds the woman trying not to laugh. A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home. "Un f...king believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new prostitutes," says the parrot when he sees the daughters.

"Mum, tell your parrot to shut up, we're not prostitutes," complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet. A short while later, the woman's husband, Dave, comes home. "F...king incredible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but the same old clients .... How ya doing, Dave?"

A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife,

"Y'know sump tin, honey, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station.....

Bell 1 rings...we put on our jackets.

Bell 2 rings...we slide down de pole.

Bell 3 rings...we jump on de fire injin and we's ready to go.

From now on, when I says 'Bell one', I want you to strip naked.

When I says 'Bell two', you jump on de bed.

When I says 'Bell tree', we's gonna make love all tru de night."

The next night, he came home and shouted, "Bell one", and she stripped naked.

"Bell two" and she jumped on the bed.

"Bell tree" and they started to make love.

After a few minutes, the wife yelled out, "Bell Four!"

"What de hel_l is 'Bell four', woman?" asked the astonished Jamaican.

She replied, "Roll out more hose, man, you ain't nowhere near de fire!"