kurgen

A wino's club,where do I sign up ?

In a recent survey which pop group were voted all time favourite by 94% of deaf and dumb people.

Abba.....abba abba abaabaa abbaa.

This is an old one,but I still love it

Princess Di ,Freddy Mercury and Gianni Versace get to the Pearly Gates.

"I'm sorry,we're full" says St Peter."Only one of you can come in,so sell your selves to me"

Freddy Mercury steps forward."I can't say I've always been a good man,but I have brought happiness to millions of people with my singing and I could do the same in Heaven,please let me in"

"Gianni's up next."I can't say I've always been a good man either,but my designs have brought happiness to millions of people and I could do the same in Heaven,please let me in.

Princess Di's up next.She doesn't say a word.She takes her knickers off ,lays down and proceeds to pour a bottle of soda inside herself.She then stands,lets it drain and looks St Peter in the eye.

He nods,moves aside and lets her through the hallowed gates.

"Why the <deleted> did you let her in,she didn't say a word" the other 2 scream.

"It's simple" says St Peter " everybody knows a royal flush beats a pair of queens"

Does anyone know of any reputable bullmastiffe breeders in the area ?

Traceys sugar daddy dies and to her horror doesn't leave her a penny.

Being a self motivated,multi-talented (Mc D's fodder)dumb blonde she sets of to the expensive end of town looking for odd jobs.

She walks up to the largest house on the estate and bangs on the door.

"Have you got any odd jobs mister,I can do anything"

"Can you paint madame"

"Oh yes sir,I'm very good at painting"

"I'll give you 50 pounds if you paint my porch"

She thinks about it for a minute then agrees.

"The paint is in the shed round the back,don't disturb me untill you're finished"

He closes the door and congratulates himself,the job was worth 200 of anyones money.

15 minutes later she bangs on the door.

"What do you want ,I told you not to disturb me until you were finished"

"I have finished and just so you know thats not a porch,it's a Ferrari ,dummy !

A lady goes to the doctor.

"I'm a bit embarassed doc,but I really need your help to save my marriage"

"What's the problem"

"It's sex,I just find it too painful.Sooner or later he'll leave me for another women that can satisfy him"

"Have you tried masturbation"

"It makes my wrist ache"

"Have you tried oral sex"?

"It makes me choke"

"Have you tied anal sex"?

"Gives me terrible squits"

"Have you tried nasal sex"?

"What,up the bogey hole"?

"Yes,try it,it could be the answer to your problem"

1 week later she comes back

"Nocnor, can noo get pnegnant from nasal snex"

"Of course not"

SSSNNNIIIIFFFF

"Thank <deleted> for that"!

My experience was no where near as bad as Mike's,but pissed me right off and taught me NEVER STOP !

I had been out for a bike ride with a few friends.It was getting dark and we were on a small road coming into Jomtien.

All of a sudden I noticed 2 girls on a bike coming towards me on my side of the road.Their bike was slowly arcing to the left so I wasn't too worried,I started to slow down.At about this time I realised both the girls had a bag drink (the rider was holding hers in one hand and drinking through a straw),the girl suddenly notices me. She slams on her brake,her bike arcs back toward me. I brake harder. Now I find the road I'm on has a good layer of sand and gravel, so as not to wear the surface out. Even though I'm only doing about 25 K's, I start skidding and so does she.

By the time we meet we have a combined speed of about 15 K's.No problem,our front tyres kiss and we both drop our bikes on the floor.

No one is hurt.

The girl starts making a fuss,but keeps saying she doesn't want any money.Good I say,because it was your @#$#%$* fault.

She calls the police.

After about 30 mins plod turns up,so have half a dozen Thai men who are convinced it is all my fault.

In all fairness to the policeman,he was as good as gold,he got the facts of the incident straight away.

The facts

1. She was riding on the wrong side of the road

2. She wasn't wearing a helmet

3. She had no lights on

4. She was riding one handed,drinking with the other

5. She didn't have a license

6. She didn't have insurance

Once again I would like to point out the policeman was very good.He didn't believe her pack of lies and promised to charge her with the above facts at the station,but his hands were tied.

Did I want to spend all night arguing at the police station ?

Did I want to go to court ?

My Thai speaking friends negotiated her compensation ( "I don't want any money") down to 1000 baht,and I was allowed to leave !

T I T

131 . Go back to school Dave !

By the time I'd been warned of the problem( and a certain Mr Shannywanka had time to get rid of any shares he had in poultry related companys ) it was to late to worry, so I carried on regardless.

I've always said V W guarentee a good ride.

"their intrest is along the samelines as being Gay"

<deleted> !

I , myself, am not gay. That does not mean for one minute, I would consider a gay man ( or women ) to be a scum of the earth kiddy fiddler.

This comparison is wrong, and so are you.

A while back I had a 15 day extention,then a 3 month visa from 'that office'. At the end of it I had to go back to Europe to finalise the sale of my house.

The last couple of days ,leading up to my departure, I started to worry.Would I get stopped at the airport?

When I got to the airport I made sure I had 25,000 baht with me, just in case.This was only about 8 weeks ago when everybody was talking about dodgey visas,so I was understandibly pooping myself.

I had no problems and I'm now on another 3 month visa.

Just so you know,I started with a 1 month walk in stamp

Maybe it's better to just keep going,like the Thai's do.

What has that got to do with some dirty old nonce deserving castration?

Treat them as the vermin they are,exterminate them. Let their so called 'supporters' share the same fate. Problem solved

Almost everyday on the local news I hear reports about people getting murdered and mutilated around the Pattaya area.When I think about it,it's very rare that the hold a 'press conferance ' showing the culprits.This can surely mean only 2 things.

1:The police are camera shy , or

2:The police don't catch them.

Are there any statistics available for clean up rates.

I know that when someone jumps from the tenth floor,with their throat cut,hands cuffed behind their back and 3 bullets in the back of their head,this is obviously suicide,but what about the others that aren't so clear cut ?

What about all the fatal crashes where drivers leg it (often leaving their vehicles behind) surely these drivers are easy to locate...aren't they ?

Is it the same all over Thailand or is Pattaya in a class of its own?

I must add , one of the best things I enjoy about Songkran is the look on a little kids face when you hand over anti-pussy slaying weapon and say "keep it". I must have bought 20 bad boy busters last year and they were worth every penny.

Arm the kids,make their day !

Mick Hucknall was recently caught shagging a rabbit.

In his defense he said he was "holding back the ears", and,"the bunny was too tight to mention"

It's times like these that I'm glad not to be part of the "in crowd", like you bunch of jumbo jonnies

So,did the police find anything out or is this just another unsolved suicide

At least I stopped at their nips,Mr Closet

Sod you lot.Grow old and die in your houses like real miserable old gits.

I'm only half way through my teens and I'm not about to waste the other 12 years of them readying myself for my twilight years.

I bet you boring gits would find bonfire night to be "a pain in the arse" because the fireworks are noisy and dangerouse.

You will find me for 2 or 3 days next month with a nutty 2 gallon super bazooker backpack loaded with ice patroling the walking street area looking for pussies wearing their Sunday best saying"don't shoot",so be warned.

As for you Dave,you helped teach me the pussy patrol last Songkran,for treason there is only one sentance that befits you. BEWARE, I know where you work.

BRING IT ON !

A little boy loses his Mum in Big C.

The security guard finds him crying his little heart out."Don't cry little boy" he says"What's your Mum like"?

"Big cocks and vodka"he says.

Two old ladies having a coffee,one says to the other,"Did you come on the bus"?

"Yes" she replies,"but I made it sound like an asthama attack"!

I'm looking to buy good quality funiture at a good price.I need to find regular suppliers who won't mess me about too much.

The furniture will be exported to Spain in 40 ft containers.

I'm based in Pattaya but have been advised to look around the Chiang Mai area for suppliers.

I will be coming up in the next couple of weeks and hope to skip the normal messers and wasters if I can.

Any contacts for furniture or freight forwarding would be appreciated.