ballpoint

Staff gathered in the car park for a fire drill at the sperm bank before the alarm had gone off, it was a premature evacuation.

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates... He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed. Having arrived at the Gates of heaven, he meets a man with a beard. "Are you Mohammed?" he asks. "No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds. Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds, coming to a room where he meets another bearded man. He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?" "No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still." Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard. Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?" "No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up." Mohammed higher than Jesus! The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher. Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question: "Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing. "No my son.....I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?" "Yes, please!" said the man. God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out: "Hey Mohammed, two coffees!"

My girlfriend asked "Have you ever had sex behind my back ?" I said "Yes, who did you think it was"!

Arriving home, a husband was met by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "The Chemist. He insulted me this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone." The husband drove down to confront the Chemist to demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the Chemist said "Now, just a minute... hear my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late. Without breakfast I hurried out to the car, to realise I'd locked the house with house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.." "Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. About three streets from the store, I had a flat tyre." "When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I started waiting on these people, All the time the damn phone never stopped ringing." "Then I had to break open a bag of pound coins against the cash register drawer to give change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the pound coins and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bottles of expensive perfumes on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke." "Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me, mate, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!!

I started my new job at the Samaritans last week. Tried to ring in sick today and the bastards talked me out of it!

I can only sleep on a pile of old magazines. I've got back issues.

Multiple applicants required for job vacancy.

Larry? I thought it was Elon.

The aftermath...

A genie granted me one wish, so I said "I just want to be happy." Now I'm living in a cottage with 6 dwarves and working in a mine.

I always thought there was something weird about people who wear overpriced plastic sandals...