ballpoint

But then Mar-a-Lago would be 'raided' twice in one year.

Do you know when you get that urge to eat something just because it's right there in front of you? Anyway, I lost my job as a gynaecologist today.

The man who invented personalised number plates has passed away. His funeral takes place on TUE504Y at 11am.

My grief counsellor died the other day. But he was so good that I didn't give a damn about it.

I've just joined the Jehovah's bystanders. It's like being a Jehovah's Witness, but we don't like to get involved.

I just had some annoying bloke on my doorstep banging on about the health benefits of eating brown bread. Bloody Hovis witnesses!

If I hadn't misunderstood what the interviewer wanted when she asked to see my testimonials, I might have got that job.

Don't you just hate it when you are singing along to a song on the radio and the artist gets the words wrong.

I said to the man at the railway booking office, “I would like a return ticket please”. He asked “Where to?” I said “Back here of course.”.

It's all too obvious that some on here don't even know the meaning of the term "declassified documents" that they are bandying about, so let's give it a go: If you follow all the public figures who have spoken out on this - and I'm referring to the many who are au fait with the law, not the few whose lips are au fait with Trump's backside - they all have one thing in common; these documents definitely weren't legally declassified. But, if you're going to stick with the tenuous story that Trump did somehow declassify these documents, whether just by looking at them, or touching them, or chanting magic words while holding a glowing orb, (no, scratch that one, that's what he does with weirdo Saudi kings), "declassified" means exactly that. They are no longer classified and are therefore available for perusal. They are not to be secreted away in a tacky little beach hut, in the bottom of a locked filing cabinet stuck in a disused lavatory with a sign on the door saying 'Beware of the Leopard”, they need to be somewhere where anyone with the right to know has access to them. Your assertion that he declassified them matters not one iota when it comes to the question of his stealing them. He stole them. No doubt about it. (It also doesn't help that Trump's public hired fan boys are talking to cross purposes. Either the documents were declassified, so there was no reason to store, sorry, preserve, them in a secure, classified manner, or they were not, so he doubly certainly shouldn't have had them, and they are doubly certainly lying through their teeth. You can tell a lot about the intelligence of someone by just how they try to fool you - 'that would certainly fool me, so it should fool everyone').

I'm worried about the security of my local bank. I think I'll steal all their money and preserve it under my bed. I might even put a lock on the door if someone asks me to.

Trump and team's ranting, a brief (and self contradictory) time line: All documents were returned already, these must have been planted. Release the warrant! Oh, you have. Okay then, release the affidavit! But, but, Obama has documents! He was allowed to have these documents. He declassified them just by removing them from the White House. Release the security camera footage! Oh, we have that, but aren't releasing it. You'd better not take this any further. His followers are getting angry, and you don't want that to happen! It's as if they're doing an action replay of the events leading up to Jan 6th, just in case the committee happened to miss anything first time round. And Trump only hires the best people? If room temperature is the IQ ceiling, then maybe he does.

Extracts from (allegedly) actual complaint letters regarding council houses: 1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it. 2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore. 3. it's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow. 4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. 5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly then he put his foot in the hole in his back passage. 6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence. 7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off. 8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand? 9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall. 10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. 11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy. 13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers. 14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared. 15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink. 16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. 17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me. 18. The man next door has as large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. 19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it. 20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night. 21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife. 22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction. 23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

A couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said; “Beth, soon we will be married 30 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 30 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?” Beth replied, “Well Charles, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 30 years, but always for a good reason.” Charles was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons?” Beth said, “The very first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended, well I did what I had to do” Charles recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?” Beth answered, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge, well I did what I had to do.” “I recall that,” says Chuck. “And you did it to save my life so of course, I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.” “All right,” Beth said. “So do you remember when you ran for president of the golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”

A little girl came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said. "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."