ravip

Absolutely amazing and deeply moving story of an Aussie woman's bravery with a tiny .22 calibre pistol yet they are like a mosquito bite to a big croc. A Darwin woman, Beverly Thompson, 38, has stopped a crocodile attack using a small .22 calibre Ruger pistol. This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. Here's her story in her own words: "While walking along the edge of a lake near my house in the Zuccoli Village Estate near Darwin discussing a property settlement with my soon-to-be ex-husband, and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 3.5metre crocodile which suddenly emerged from the murky water. It began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Ruger .22 calibre pistol with me, I wouldn't be here today!" said Beverly. “Just one shot to my estranged husband's kneecap was all it took. The croc got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible - and his life insurance was also a big bonus!.”

Puns (un)intended 1. I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now. 2. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. 3. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail. 4. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. 5. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now. 6. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired. 7. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye. 8. I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. 9. Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils. 10. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson. 11. Why is ‘dark’ spelt with a k and not c? Because you can’t 'c' in the dark. 12. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, because time will tell. 13. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence. 14. I’m trying to organize a hide-n-seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find. 15. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness!!!

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says "Hey! what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and join me" So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river. At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side. He then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?!" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with the monkey and his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in! The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says "Hey, MONKEY!" The Monkey looks down and says "F*** DUUUDE.... HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK?!"

The young woman who submitted the tech support message below (about her relationship with her husband) presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself. The tech support people's love advice was hilarious. The query: Dear Tech Support, "Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems but to no avail. What can I do? Signed: Desperate The response (that came weeks later out of the blue) Dear Desperate, First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the Tears application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta version. Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources. In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0. Good Luck Tech Support

*Have Pun today* I've just finished reading a book about the world's greatest basement ... It was a best cellar. It's my first week working at the bicycle factory and they already made me a spokesperson. Horses have lower divorce rates. It's because they are in stable relationships. My laptop caught pneumonia, apparently because I left Windows open. I thought swimming with dolphins was expensive until I went swimming with sharks ... It cost me an arm and a leg. The main function of your little toe is to make sure all the furniture in the house is in the right place. It's pretty obvious that if I run in front of a car I will get tired but if I run behind a car I will get exhausted. My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much. I told them you just wait. 90% of bald people still own a comb; they just can't part with it. Every morning I get hit by the same bicycle ... It's a vicious cycle. The word incorrectly is spelled incorrectly in every dictionary. I've been experimenting with breeding racing deer. People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck. What do you call a row of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare line. When I was a kid, we played spin the bottle with the girls, if they didn't want to kiss you, they would have to give you a dollar. By the time I was 12, I owned my own home. Always trust a nudist ... They have nothing to hide.

Thank you. Now it seems so easy, but it was so elusive!

I guess you deserve it - take 2

Anyone can figure out what this joke is about?