ravip

An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said, 'We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.' The Englishman responds, 'I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.' The Irishman replies, 'I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.' The Welshman answers, 'I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.' The Scotsman says quickly, 'I'd like to be shot first.'

A man walks into a pub, then goes to the gents. He comes out and goes to speak to the landlord. He says, “You’ve got a great place, but my buddy was here last night, and he said you have golden urinals. Where are they?” The landlord turns to the band and yells, “Frank, I’ve got a lead on the guy who ruined your sax!”

I used to work in a pub next to a hospital and this guy walked in one day with his hospital gown on and holding a drip on a stand that was still connected to his veins. I asked him how I could help and bizarrely he said, “Can I have 2 pints of lager, 2 pints of Guinness, 4 jack Daniels and coke, 3 gin and tonics, and 6 shots of tequila. It’s a free country so I start to pour the drinks and put them on the bar one at a time. As I finished pouring all of the drinks he downed them in order and finished on the shots of tequila which he dispatched one at a time in a quick pace. He then looked at me really sad and said, “I shouldn’t have drunk all that with what I’ve got.” I said, “Why what have you got?” He said, “About £3.50.”

Two lawyers walk into a pub. They order a couple of drinks and take their sandwiches out of their briefcases and them they begin to eat them. Seeing this, the angry publican exclaims, “Excuse me, but you can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!” The two lawyers look at each other, shrug their shoulders, then exchange sandwiches.

Police Officer to the pothead: “How high are you, son?” Pothead laughs: “No officer, it’s “Hi, How are you?”

When posting on a joke thread, no need to prove it's authenticity - just enjoy the humour if possible or ignore it. ???? ????

Einstein's Riddle Zebra Puzzle The legend says that this problem was created by Albert Einstein in the last century. Einstein said that only 2% of the world could solve it. There are five houses of different colors next to each other. In each house lives a man. Each man has a unique nationality, an exclusive favorite drink, a distinct favorite brand of cigarettes and keeps specific pets. Use all the clues below to fill the grid and answer the question: "Who owns the fish?" Give it a try, not too hard >>> https://www.brainzilla.com/logic/zebra/einsteins-riddle/

The blonde pilot was interviewed after her helicopter crash. Interviewer: "Can you tell us what happened just before you crashed?" Blonde: "well it was getting really cold so I decided to turn the fan off"

Did you know that the propeller on a small plane is actually there to keep the pilot cool? Just watch, when it stops spinning the pilot will start sweating like crazy.

Captain's Report. This petty officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - Always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

Lieutenant Hardy, First Mate, was in a rare mood as he finished drilling the crew. He barked out a final order, 'All right, you idiots fall out.' The men fell out, but one sailor stood firm. The sailor stared at the First Mate and smiled, 'There were a lot of them weren't there sir?'

'Well,' snarled the tough old Royal Navy Chief to the bewildered able seaman. 'I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and dance on my grave.' 'Not me, Chief,' the seaman replied. 'Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again.'