Bozo

Notes taken from an Inexperienced Curry Taster Named Paul Reynolds, who was visiting Bombay, India from Abingdon, Oxfordshire, UK.

"Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (a couple of local Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

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Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Paul: Holy shit!! What the ###### is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. It took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Indian fellows are crazy if they even begin to think this tastes like food.

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Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Paul: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. I had an expression like a cow sucking piss off a thistle.

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Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn Curry

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

Paul: Call Sellafield, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Domestos. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. The barmaid pounded me on the back; now my back bone is in the front part of my chest. I'm now getting sh*t-faced from all the beer.

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Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic Bean Blaster

JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.

Paul: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Jaswinder, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 320 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?

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Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Paul: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed hospital treatment from 3rd degree burns. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had given me brain damage.

Jaswinder saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on to it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Phone the White House and tell them you've discovered a stockpile of napalm.

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Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.

Superb!

Paul: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous and dangerously explosive methane building up. I have sulphuric flames leaping from my ######. My rusty sheriffs badge feels like it's been rogered with a red hot poker and I've just shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Jaswinder; she must be kinkier than I thought. I can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone! I think if I sit on the toilet now, my a*sehole will go down for a drink of water.

______________________________________

Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curry peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably, frothing at the mouth and nostrils and his trousers appear soiled with what appears to be a smoking gravy.

Paul: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a ###### thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed from my mouth. I'm dribbling acid that has eaten my beard away and now feels like it's eating my skin away with it. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my ###### shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 2 inch hole this stuff has eaten in my stomach.

_______________________________

Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot curry?

Paul: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report.)

The Absolute Remedy Against Job Despair

When you've had an absolute "I hate my job" day, or a bad day in general try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy.

Change into very comfortable clothing, such as a sweatsuit and lie down on your bed.

Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Take out the material that comes with the thermometer and read it.

You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

"Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested"

Now close your eyes and repeat out loud five times:

"I am so glad I do not work for quality control at the Johnson and Johnson Company".

Have a nice day folks and remember, there is always someone with a worse job than yours.

THE 5 WOMEN SECRETS FOR A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP…

1. It is important to find a man, who dutifully shares the house work, cooks from time to time, cleans the flat and has a good work.

2. It is important to find a man, who knows how to make you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man on whom you can rely and who doesn’t lie to you.

4. It is important to find a man who is good in bed, and who only lives for making love to you.

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…and the fifth…

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5. It is important that these 4 men don’t know each other !…

MEN’S MANIFEST

(ONCE AND FOR ALL)

Woman,

If you think you are fat, it is probably true. Don’t ask me the question, as I shall refuse to answer it.

If you want something, you only need to ask.

Let’s clarify things: we are simple people. We do not understand subtil indirect requests.

Direct indirect requests do not work out.

Obvious indirect requests do not work out either. Just tell things as they are.

If you ask a question to which you do not expect any answer, don’t be surprised to get an answer you don’t want to hear.

We are SIMPLE. When I ask you to give me the salt, I only mean that. I am not reproaching you that it is not on the table. There is no insinuation or reproach, we are really SIMPLE.

We are SIMPLE. It is no use to ask me what I think about, 96.5% it is about sex. Don’t misunderstand, we are not obsessed with sex, it is only what pleases us most, unfortunately, we are SIMPLE.

Sometimes I don’t think about you. There is nothing serious here. Please get used to it. Don’t ask me what I am thinking about, unless you are ready to talk about things like politics, economy, football or racing cars. Sunday = big brunch = friends = football watching on TV. This is like the full moon or the tide, it is inevitable.

To go shopping is not funny, and I, myself, will never find it interesting.

When we must go somewhere, whatever the clothes you wear, they will fit you perfectly. I swear.

You have enough clothes. You have too many pair of shoes. Crying is blackmail. Most men have three pairs of shoes only. May I insist, we are simple. What in heaven could ever let you think I can be of any asssistance to you for deciding which one of your thirty pairs fits you best ?

Simple answers as YES or NO are absolutely acceptable whatever the question is.

When you have a problem, come to see me only if you are expecting help to solve it. Don’t ask me to feel sorry for you as if I were one of your girlfriends.

A headhache which lasts 17 months is not a headhache. Go to see a doctor.

When I tell you something which can be interpreted in two different ways and that one of the interpretations could make you feel sad or worried, my intention is to say the other one.

ALL men see only 16 colors. Plum is a fruit, not a color.

What the ###### is this “fuchsia” color ? And even worse, how is this thing spelt ?

We enjoy beer as much as you do handbags.

When I am asking you what is wrong and that you answer me “nothing”, I shall believe you and do as if everything were fine.

Don’t ask me “do you love me ?” Just be sure that if I didn’t love you, I wouldn’t be with you. The most basic rule, before having any hesitation towards us : go to the most simple.

WE ARE REALLY SIMPLE

PLEASE DISTRIBUTE THIS MANIFEST

TO THE BIGGEST POSSIBLE NUMBER OF WOMEN,

SO THEY SHALL AT LAST UNDERSTAND MEN,

ONCE AND FOR ALL.

DISTRIBUTE IT ALSO TO THE BIGGEST POSSIBLE NUMBER OF MEN WHOM YOU KNOW SO THEY KNOW THEY ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE FIGHTING.

What Women want in a man

What I Want in a Man, Original List (age 22):

1. Handsome

2. Charming

3. Financially successful

4. A caring listener

5. Witty

6. In good shape

7. Dresses with style

8. Appreciates finer things

9. Full of thoughtful surprises

10. An imaginative, romantic lover.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32):

1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)

2. Opens car doors, holds chairs

3. Has enough money for a nice dinner

4. Listens more than talks

5. Laughs at my jokes

6. Carries bags of groceries with ease

7. Owns at least one tie

8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal

9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries

10. Seeks romance at least once a week.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42):

1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)

2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car

3. Works steady -- splurges on dinner out occasionally

4. Nods head when I'm talking

5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes

6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture

7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach

8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids

9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down

10. Shaves most weekends.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52):

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed

2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public

3. Doesn't borrow money too often

4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting

5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times

6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends

7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear

8. Appreciates a good TV dinner

9. Remembers my name on occasion

10. Shaves some weekends.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62):

1. Doesn't scare small children

2. Remembers where bathroom is

3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep

4. Only snores lightly when asleep

5. Remembers why he's laughing

6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself

7. Usually wears clothes

8. Likes soft foods

9. Remembers where he left his teeth

10. Remembers that it's the weekend.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72):

1. Breathing

2. Doesn't miss the toilet

Woman's Dictionary

1. "Fine"

This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. (NEVER use "fine" to describe how she looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments)

2. "Five minutes"

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so women feel that it's an even trade.

3. "Nothing"

"Nothing" means something and you should be on your toes.

"Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."

4. "Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows)

This is NOT permission; it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over "Nothing" and you'll have a "five-minute" discussion that will end with the word "Fine."

5. "Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows)

This is NOT permission, either. It means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

6. "Loud Sigh"

This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement. Very frequently misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing!."

7. "Soft Sigh"

Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.

8. "Oh"

This word -- followed by any statement -- is trouble. Example; Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night."

If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit.

She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days.

("Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get a raised eyebrow. "Go ahead," sometimes followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.

9. "That's Okay"

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man."That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done.

"That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." Once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.

10. "Please Do"

This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

11. "Thanks"

The woman is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden meaning.

Just say "you're welcome."

12. "Thanks A Lot"

"Thanks A Lot" is dramatically different from "Thanks." A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the "Loud Sigh." This signifies that you have hurt her in some callous away. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."

Global Sex Survey 2002 Global Sex Survey 2002

- Introduction -

Almost 50,000 lovers across the globe took part in one of the largest ever internet surveys to reveal their sexual attitudes and behaviour to the world.

And the 2002 Durex Global Survey showed they are enjoying a busy love life, having sex an average of 139 times a year. And some countries are racing way ahead - the French are the most amorous, having sex 167 times a year, while lovers in Singapore are lagging behind on 110.

How often do you have sex?

a.. On average, people across the world are having sex 139 times a year

b.. Women claim they're having sex more than men - 144 times a year compared with 138

c.. The French are more amorous than any other nation - they have sex an average of 167 times a year, followed by the Dutch (158) and the Danes (152)

d.. Lovers in Singapore (110) and Thailand (112) have sex the least

e.. Eleven per cent of people have never had sex

Why did you have sex the first time?

a.. More than a third of people (36%) had sex for the first time because they were ready and it felt right

b.. Just over a quarter (28%) were in love, while 4% admit they were drunk

c.. Four in 10 people in India didn't have sex until they were married

How long would you wait before having sex with a new partner?

a.. Almost a quarter of people globally (24%) would have sex with a new partner within a month

b.. Seventeen per cent would have sex on the first night

c.. Norwegians are most likely to have sex on the first night - 32%, compared with 9% in Belgium and 15% in Spain

d.. Six in 10 Indians would wait until they were married to have sex

One-night stands

a.. Half the people questioned have had a one-night stand

b.. Men are more likely than women to have had a one-night fling - 54% compared with 42%

c.. Norwegians (72%) and South Africans (70%) are more likely than any other nationality to have a one-night stand

d.. Those in Taiwan are least likely - just 20% have had a one-night stand

Sex education in school

a.. Globally, the main focus of sex education in schools is split between STIs and biological facts about reproduction

b.. It changes across the generations - younger people are more likely to have learned about STIs than those who are older

c.. Almost a quarter (23%) claim they didn't receive sex education in the classroom

d.. People in India (60%) and Yugoslavia (52%) are less likely to have learned about sex at school

What do you fantasise about?

a.. The most popular fantasy globally is sex with a celebrity - 65% of people admit they've thought about it

b.. Almost four in 10 (36%) have fantasised about sex with their best friend's partner

c.. Just over a third of women (35%) have thought about sex with another woman

d.. Men are less loyal to their friends than women - 42% have fantasised about sex with their best friend's partner compared with 25% of women

Sexiest male celebrity

a.. American actor Brad Pitt is the sexiest male celebrity according to people across the globe with 42% of the vote

b.. English footballer David Beckham comes second with 14%

Sexiest female celebrity

a.. Singer-turned-actress Jennifer Lopez is the sexiest female celebrity according to more people across the globe - 26% vote for her

b.. Her fellow American Angelina Jolie follows closely behind with 22% of the vote

c.. Opinion across the world is divided between the two actresses - Belgians, Finns and Malaysians prefer Jennifer Lopez, while Austrians, Canadians and Americans vote for Angelina Jolie

*******************************

Sex 149 Times a Year Is Average: Global Survey

Reuters Health

Monday, November 25, 2002 - LONDON (Reuters) -

Marital Sex Statistics

Who's Doing It and How Often?

• Durex Global Sex Survey

According to the Durex Survey (2001):

Americans appear to have the most sex at 132 times a year, with the Russians close behind at 122 times a year, the French at 121, and the Greeks at 115.

The countries with the lowest frequency of sex are Japan (37 times per), Malaysia (62) and China (69).

Couples living together report having sex 146 times per year.

Married couples make love 98 times per year.

Single folks are having sex the least at 49 times a year.

Four percent of the respondents to the survey claim to have sex daily.

57% say they have sex at least once per week.

"People around the world would rather go out with their friends than have sex. More than a fifth (22%) choose their peers rather than having sex with a partner (19%), while a further 10% prefer to either play sport or go shopping."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND REMAIN POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN.

2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

3. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

6. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

7. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

10. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

11. She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

12. She is not a TWO-BIT SLAPPER - She is a LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND REMAIN POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

7. He does not act like a TOTAL ARSE - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.

8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.

9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED

Ohh women…

A beautiful woman and a man have a bad car crash.

Both cars are totally destroyed.

They crawl out of their respective car.

The woman says :

“ You are a man and I am a woman. Look at our cars.

Nothing is left of them and we are not even injured or hurt.

This must be a sign that God wanted us to meet and become friends.”

Flattered, the man answers :

“ I agree with you, it must be a sign.”

The woman says :

“ Look, another sign. My car is destroyed, but the bottle of wine inside is intact.

God certainly wished us to drink it to celebrate our luck to be still alive.”

She holds the bootle out to the man.

The man opens it, drinks half of it and holds it out back to the woman.

She takes it, puts back the cork and gives it back to the man.

The man asks :

“ Are you not drinking some ?”

The woman answers :

“No, I think I shall rather wait for the police to come over, now. “ !!!

Nothing personal...

It's been known for years that sex is good exercise, but until recently nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric expenditure of different sexual activities. Now, for the first time here are the true caloric benefits of sex.

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:

With consent.......................................... 12 Calories

Without consent................................... 187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:

With both hands....................................... 8 Calories

With one hand........................................ 12 Calories

With your teeth....................................... 85 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:

With an erection.......................................... 6 Calories

Without an erection................................. 315 Calories

PRELIMINARIES:

Trying to find the clitoris............................ 8 Calories

Trying to find the G-Spot.......................... 92 Calories

POSITIONS:

Missionary................................................ 12 Calories

69 lying down........................................... 78 Calories

69 standing up......................................... 112 Calories

Wheelbarrow........................................... 216 Calories

Doggy Style............................................. 326 Calories

Italian chandelier..................................... 912 Calories

ORGASM:

Real.......................................................... 112 Calories

False......................................................... 315 Calories

POST ORGASM:

Lying in bed hugging................................................ 18 Calories

Getting up immediately............................................. 36 Calories

Explaining why you got out of bed immediately.... 816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:

If you are: 20-29 years old............................... 36 Calories

30-39 years..................................... 80 Calories

40-49 years................................... 124 Calories

50-59 years................................... 972 Calories

60-69 years................................. 2916 Calories

70 and over...............................................Death

DRESSING AFTERWARDS:

Calmly............................................................. 32 Calories

in a hurry......................................................... 98 Calories

With her father knocking at the door........... 1218 Calories

With your wife knocking at the door............3521 Calories

Several of our employees I know have asked for me an explanation of Marketing. Perhaps the following analogies will help clear it up:

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."-That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed."-That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say,"Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."-That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."-That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."-That's Brand

Recognition.You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend.-That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.-That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"-That's Spam.

FRENCH TRAIN

The train was very crowded, so the American soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and wailed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An Englishman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've just thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

An old man, who was living in Idaho, wanted to plant potatoes in his garden, but it was very heavy duty, as he had to dig the soil.

Bubba, his only son, who usually had been helping him to do this, was in prison.

The old man then wrote a letter to his son, in which he described his difficult situation.

Dear Bubba,

I feel very depressed, because it seems to me that, this year, I won’t be able to plant my potatoes in the garden.

I am now too old to dig and plough the soil of the garden.

Would you happen to be there that all my problems would be solved. I know that you would dig & plough the soil of the garden for me.

With Love.

Daddy

A few days later, he received a letter from his son.

Dear Daddy,

For heaven’s sake, Daddy, don’t dig in the garden, this is where I have buried the BODIES.

With Love

Bubba

At 4:00 AM, the next morning, a swarm of FBI agents and local police came and started to dig the whole garden inside out without finding any bodies.

Annoyed, they apologized to the old man and left.

That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Daddy,

Go on now, you can plant your potatoes. This is the best I can do considering the current circumstances.

With Love

Bubba

[this story is most certainly valid as well with "email" instead of "letter" !...]

Telecommunications

After having dug the ground as deep as 100 meters, Russians scientists have discovered cupper wires more than 1000 thousand years old and have concluded that their ancesters had a intra-urban telecommunication network at this time.

For not being left aside, Americans have dug to more than 200 meters deep the underground of the motherland and have found out tracks of fiber optic as ancient as 2000 years, proving that America already owned a most advanced digital communications’network, at Jesus Christ time and 1000 years before the Russians.

One week later, Chirac published an investigating report mentioning that scientists had “smoothly” dug the “beloved silky” French ground as deep as 500 meters and had found absolutely nothing, confirming that 3000 years before Jesus Christ, all French people already had mobile phones and were nagging, scoffing and thumbing one’s nose at Americans !...

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears: "Ribbit. 9 Iron". The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog: "Wow that's amazing.

You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies: "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man has played the best round of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, " What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit.$3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck.

Boom! Black 6! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl." And that, your honour, is how the girl ended up in my room."

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago:

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful.

Soft drinks erode your stomach lining.

Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said: "Wedding cake."

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse

* 7 have been arrested for fraud

* 19 have been accused of writing bad cheques

* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

* 3 have done time for assault

* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting

* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits

* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress...

HARD-DISK Woman:

She remembers everything, FOREVER.

RAM Woman:

She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.

WINDOWS Woman:

Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.

EXCEL Woman:

They say, she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for your four basic needs.

SCREENSAVER Woman:

She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!

INTERNET Woman:

Difficult to access.

SERVER Woman:

Always busy when you need her.

MULTIMEDIA Woman:

She makes horrible things look beautiful.

CD-ROM Woman:

She is always faster and faster.

E-MAIL Woman:

Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.

VIRUS Woman:

Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will loose.

Bad Cluster Women :

Women who will get angry after reading these.......

very long but a good read.......enjoy......

Read this conversation between a boy and his Dad.

A Little boy asks his Daddy ...

Q: Daddy, why did we have to attack Iraq?

A: Because they had weapons of mass destruction.

************************************************************

Q: But the inspectors didn't find any weapons of mass destruction.

A: That's because the Iraqis were hiding them.

************************************************************

Q: And that's why we invaded Iraq?

A: Yep. Invasions always work better than inspections.

************************************************************

Q: But after we invaded them, we STILL didn't find any weapons of mass destruction, did we?

A: That's because the weapons are so well hidden. Don't worry,we'll find something, probably right before the 2004 election. ?

************************************************************

Q: Why did Iraq want all those weapons of mass destruction?

A: To use them in a war, silly.

************************************************************

Q: I'm confused. If they had all those weapons that they plannedto use in a war, then why didn't they use any of those weapons when we went to war with them?

A: Well, obviously they didn't want anyone to know they had those weapons, so they chose to die by the thousands rather than defend themselves.

************************************************************

Q: That doesn't make sense. Why would they choose to die if they had all those big weapons with which they could have fought back?

A: It's a different culture. It's not supposed to make sense.

************************************************************

Q: I don't know about you, but I don't think they had any of those weapons our government said they did.

A: Well, you know, it doesn't matter whether or not they had those weapons. We had another good reason to invade them anyway.

************************************************************

Q: And what was that?

A: Even if Iraq didn't have weapons of mass destruction, Saddam Hussein was a cruel dictator, which is another good reason to invade another country.

************************************************************

Q: Why? What does a cruel dictator do that makes it OK to invade his country?

A: Well, for one thing, he tortured his own people.

************************************************************

Q: Kind of like what they do in China?

A: Don't go comparing China to Iraq. China is a good economic competitor, where millions of people work for slave wages in sweatshops to make U.S. corporations richer.

************************************************************

Q: So if a country lets its people be exploited for American corporate gain, it's a good country, even if that country tortures people?

A: Right.

************************************************************

Q: Why were people in Iraq being tortured?

A: For political crimes, mostly, like criticizing the government. People who criticized the government in Iraq were sent to prison and tortured.

***********************************************************

Q: Isn't that exactly what happens in China?

A: I told you, China is different.

************************************************************

Q: What's the difference between China and Iraq?

A: Well, for one thing, Iraq was ruled by the Ba'ath party, while China is Communist.

************************************************************

Q: Didn't you once tell me Communists were bad?

A: No, just Cuban Communists are bad.

************************************************************

Q: How are the Cuban Communists bad?

A: Well, for one thing, people who criticize the government in Cuba are sent to prison and tortured.

************************************************************

Q: Like in Iraq?

A: Exactly.

************************************************************

Q: And like in China, too?

A: I told you, China's a good economic competitor. Cuba, on the other hand, is not.

************************************************************

Q: How come Cuba isn't a good economic competitor?

A: Well, you see, back in the early 1960s, our government passed some laws that made it illegal for Americans to trade or do any business with Cuba until they stopped being Communists and started being capitalists like us.

************************************************************

Q: But if we got rid of those laws, opened up trade with Cuba, andstarted doing business with them, wouldn't that help the Cubans become capitalists?

A: Don't be a smart-ass.

************************************************************

Q: I didn't think I was being one.

A: Well, anyway, they also don't have freedom of religion in Cuba.

***********************************************************

Q: Kind of like China and the Falun Gong movement?

A: I told you, stop saying bad things about China. Anyway, Saddam Hussein came to power through a military coup, so he's not really a legitimate leader anyway.

************************************************************

Q: What's a military coup?

A: That's when a military general takes over the government of a country by force, instead of holding free elections like we do in the United States.

************************************************************

Q: Didn't the ruler of Pakistan come to power by a military coup?

A: You mean General Pervez Musharraf? Uh, yeah, he did, but Pakistan is our friend.

************************************************************

Q: Why is Pakistan our friend if their leader is illegitimate?

A: I never said Pervez Musharraf was illegitimate.

************************************************************

Q: Didn't you just say a military general who comes to power by forcibly overthrowing the legitimate government of a nation is an illegitimate leader?

A: Only Saddam Hussein. Pervez Musharraf is our friend,because he helped us invade Afghanistan.

************************************************************

Q: Why did we invade Afghanistan?

A: Because of what they did to us on September 11th.

************************************************************

Q: What did Afghanistan do to us on September 11th?

A: Well, on September 11th, nineteen men - fifteen of them SaudiArabians - hijacked four airplanes and flew three of them into buildings, killing over 3,000 mericans.

************************************************************

Q: So how did Afghanistan figure into all that?

A: Afghanistan was where those bad men trained, under the oppressive rule of the Taliban.

************************************************************

Q: Aren't the Taliban those bad radical Islamics who chopped off people's heads and hands?

A: Yes, that's exactly who they were. Not only did they chop off people's heads and hands, but they oppressed women, too.

************************************************************

Q: Didn't the Bush administration give the Taliban 43 million dollars back in May of 2001?

A: Yes, but that money was a reward because they did such a goodjob fighting drugs.

************************************************************

Q: Fighting drugs?

A: Yes, the Taliban were very helpful in stopping people from growing opium poppies.

************************************************************

Q: How did they do such a good job?

A: Simple. If people were caught growing opium poppies, theTalibanwould have their hands and heads cut off.

************************************************************

Q: So, when the Taliban cut off people's heads and hands for growing flowers, that was OK, but not if they cut people's heads and hands off for other reasons?

A: Yes. It's OK with us if radical Islamic fundamentalists cut off people's hands for growing flowers, but it's cruel if theycut off people's hands for stealing bread.

************************************************************

Q: Don't they also cut off people's hands and heads in SaudiArabia?

A: That's different. Afghanistan was ruled by a tyrannical patriarchy that oppressed women and forced them to wear burqas whenever they werein public, with death by stoning as the penalty for women whodid not comply.

************************************************************

Q: Don't Saudi women have to wear burqas in public, too?

A: No, Saudi women merely wear a traditional Islamic bodycovering.

************************************************************

Q: What's the difference?

A: The traditional Islamic covering worn by Saudi women is a modest yet fashionable garment that covers all of a woman's body except for her eyes and fingers. The burqa, on the other hand, is an evil tool of patriarchal oppression that covers all of a woman's body except for here yes and fingers.

************************************************************

Q: It sounds like the same thing with a different name.

A: Now, don't go comparing Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia. The Saudis are our friends. ************************************************************

Q: But I thought you said 15 of the 19 hijackers on September11th were from Saudi Arabia.

A: Yes, but they trained in Afghanistan.

************************************************************

Q: Who trained them?

A: A very bad man named Osama bin Laden.

************************************************************

Q: Was he from Afghanistan?

A: Uh, no, he was from Saudi Arabia too. But he was a bad man, avery bad man.

************************************************************

Q: I seem to recall he was our friend once.

A: Only when we helped him and the mujahadeen repel the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan back in the 1980s.

************************************************************

Q: Who are the Soviets? Was that the Evil Communist Empire Ronald Reagan talked about?

A: There are no more Soviets. The Soviet Union broke up in 1990 or thereabouts, and now they have elections and capitalism like us. We call them Russians now.

************************************************************

Q: So the Soviets - I mean, the Russians - are now our friends?

A: Well, not really. You see, they were our friends for many years after they stopped being Soviets, but then they decided not to support our invasion of Iraq, so we're mad at them now. We're also mad at the French and the Germans because they didn't help us invade Iraq either.

************************************************************

Q: So the French and Germans are evil, too?

A: Not exactly evil, but just bad enough that we had to rename French fries and French toast to Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast.

************************************************************

Q: Do we always rename foods whenever another country doesn'tdowhat we want them to do?

A: No, we just do that to our friends. Our enemies, we invade.

************************************************************

Q: But wasn't Iraq one of our friends back in the 1980s?

A: Well, yeah. For a while.

************************************************************

Q: Was Saddam Hussein ruler of Iraq back then?

A: Yes, but at the time he was fighting against Iran, which made him our friend, temporarily.

************************************************************

Q: Why did that make him our friend?

A: Because at that time, Iran was our enemy.

************************************************************

Q: Isn't that when he gassed the Kurds?

A: Yeah, but since he was fighting against Iran at the time,we looked the other way, to show him we were his friend.

************************************************************

Q: So anyone who fights against one of our enemies automatically becomes our friend?

A: Most of the time, yes.

************************************************************

Q: And anyone who fights against one of our friends is automatically an enemy?

A: Sometimes that's true, too. However, if American corporations can profit by selling weapons to both sides at the same time, all the better.

************************************************************

Q: Why?

A: Because war is good for the economy, which means war is good for America. Also, since God is on America's side, anyone who opposes war is a godless unAmerican Communist. Do you understand now why we attacked Iraq?

************************************************************

Q: I think so. We attacked them because God wanted us to,right?

A: Yes! You finally understand how the world works. Now close your eyes, make yourself comfortable, and go to sleep. Good night.

************************************************************

Good night

Bizarre facts of this world :

1) In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal are punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)

2) In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror...!!

3) Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)

4)The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

5) There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this? I WANT THIS JOB)

6) In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)

7) Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)

8) In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)

9) In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law? )

10) In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what?.(Not as great as Guam!)

11) If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it)

12) If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it)

13) A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (Who wants to be born as Pig in his next life)

14) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Still not over that pig thing) )

15) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

16) The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hummm....I won't touch THAT one!)

17) The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(Who paid for this research??)

18) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In your next life you would STILL want to be a pig ... quality over quantity)

19) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Ah, gezz)

20) An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.)

21) Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too)

Enjoy..........!!!!!!!!

A physicist, an accountant and a lawyer are all standing around at a party discussing if it's better to have a wife or a girlfriend.

The accountant says, “A girlfriend! No commitments, no hassles. When you get tired, you just move on.”

The lawyer says, “One needs a wife. That way you have a representative; an extension of yourself at important gatherings with influential people.”

The physicist says, “You're both wrong. You need a wife and a girlfriend. That way the wife thinks you're with the girlfriend, the girlfriend thinks you're with the wife and all the while you're at the lab doing research!”

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand how to deal with women. Now, behavioural scientists have come up with an infallible merit/demerit system to help men manage. Remember, in the world of romance one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes and you get points.

Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects.

Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here's a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed [+1]

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows [0]

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets [-1]

You replace the toilet paper roll when it runs out [0]

When the toilet paper has run out, you resort to Kleenex [-1]

When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom [-2]

You go out to buy her tampons [+5]

in the snow [+8]

but return with beer [-5]

and no tampons [-25]

You check out a suspicious noise at night [0]

it turns out to be nothing [0]

it turns out to be something [+5]

you pummel it with a six iron [+10]

it's her cat [-40]

AT THE PARTY

You stay by her side the entire party [0]

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old university drinking mate [-2]

Named Tiffany [-4]

Who is a dancer [-10]

With breast implants [-18]

HER BIRTHDAY

You remember her birthday [0]

You buy a card and flowers [0]

you take her out to dinner [0]

you take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar [+1]

Okay, it is a sports bar [-2]

and it's all-you-can-eat night [-3]

it's a sports bar all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team [-10]

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

Go out with a pal [0]

The pal is happily married [+1]

The pal is single [-7]

He drives a Ferrari [-10]

With a personalised number plate (GR8NBED)[-15]

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER

You take her to a movie [+2]

You take her to a movie she likes [+4]

You take her to a movie you hate [+6]

You take her to a movie you like [-2]

It's called Death Cop III [-3]

Which features cyborgs that eat humans [-9]

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans [-15]

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable beer gut [-15]

You develop a noticeable beer gut & exercise to get rid of it [+10]

You develop a noticeable beer gut and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts [-30]

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." [-800]

THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"

You hesitate in responding [-10]

You reply, "Where?" [-35]

You reply, "No, I think it's your bum"[-100]

Any other response [-20]

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem:

You listen, displaying a concerned expression [0]

You listen, for more than 30 minutes [+5]

You relate to her problem and share a similar experience [+50]

Your mind wanders to last weekend's game and you suddenly hear her saying,

"well, what do you think I should do ??" [-100]

You have fallen asleep [-200]

IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH

You talk [-100]

You don't talk [-150]

You spend time with her [-200]

You don't spend time with her [-500]

You are seen to be enjoying yourself [GAME OVER - YOU LOSE!!!]

Although it is a bit long, please take the time to read the below litterature...

Seasonal oldie, read the disclaimer too

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 13, 2003

RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!

We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along.

And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm.

Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 14, 2003

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.

We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.

However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.

There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung.

We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 15, 2003

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name.

I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since

the union members feel that £10.00 is too much money and executives

believe £10.00 is a little chintzy.

NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: October 16, 2003

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are!

I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.

There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with

Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F ** king Employees

DATE: October 17, 2003

RE: The F ** king Holiday Party

Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f ** king salad bar, including organic tomatoes.

But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them.

I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

The Bitch from ######!!!!!!!!

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

TO: All Employess

DATE: October 18, 2003

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Legal Disclaimer:

This email contains utter <deleted> which is intended for world to see. If you are not the named recipient then it means I've ######ed up big time and you should take absolutely no action in relation to this email other than forwarding it onto as many people as you like, telling them you've received it in error from a stupid ######wit. If this email contains attachments then they probably contain harmful viruses which will cause the death of your pc, so tough shit for opening them.

A husband shopping centre HUSBANDMART has just opened, where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of six floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch.

As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping centre to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, "That's great! But I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, far better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!"

And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?"

So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 123,456,789,012,345 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at HusbandMart and have a nice day.

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked the second man.

"Hmm....let me see. A BLINK ! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of.."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye... that's a very popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said. Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

The last man replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I

wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants!

HE GOT THE JOB !