Jamesyboi Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 How men and women differ NICKNAMES If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes. EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. MONEY A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale BATHROOMS A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items. ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. CATS Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. SUCCESS A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does. DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing. What a woman says: C'mon...This place is a mess. You and I need to clean.Your trousers are on the floor and you'll have no clothes if we don't do the laundry now. What a man hears: C'MON . blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah,blah, blah, blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW. A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the window, "I want to open a ###### checking account." The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, ###### it. I said I want to open a ###### checking account now!" "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank." The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" "There is no ###### problem," the man says. I just won $200 million bucks in the ###### lottery and I want to put my ###### money in this ###### bank." "I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?" An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian Barmaid. As she takes his order for a Foster's, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him. As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees. The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She remembers The night before and is only too happy to agree. This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he's from in Australia. "Melbourne", he tells her. "So am I. What suburb?" she enquires. "Glen Iris" he replies. "That's amazing," she says excitedly, "so am I - what street?" "Cameo Street" he replies. "This is unbelievable........." she says, her voice quavering; "What number?" "Number 20", he replies. She is totally astonished. "You are NOT going to believe this," she screams, "but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!" "I know..." he says, "Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you" HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN, THINKS AUSTRALIAN When the panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding the new wing to the hospital....... the allergists voted to scratch it....... the dermatologists advised no rash moves...... the gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it........ the neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve ........ the obstetricians stated they were all labouring under a misconception......... the ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted....... the pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body" . the paediatricians said, "Grow up!"......... the psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness....... the surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing ........ the radiologists could see right through it!......... the physicians thought it was a bitter pill to swallow....... the plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter"......... the podiatrists thought it was a step forward....... the urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water....... the anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas ........... the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no...... So in the end .................. the proctologists left the decision up to some ###### in administration. One night at a bar a guy and a woman happen to meet. The woman confides, ”I was recently divorced, I’m embarrassed to say, but it’s because my husband said I was too kinky.” The guy gasps and says, “I am also recently divorced, and my wife complained I was too kinky also.” The woman says, “look, we’re both adults and I think we both know why we came here to this bar, let’s just cut to it. I don’t live too far away, let’s go back to my apartment and get kinky!” The guy quickly agrees and off to the apartment they go. Upon arriving at the apartment the woman says, “I want to go to the bedroom and get into something special, I wont be long.” She goes to the bedroom and begins undressing, slowly she slips into a leather bra and corset. Then she reaches under the bed for a riding crop. From the nightstand she grabs two bottles of lotion and some fluffy hand-cuffs. When she opens the door she notices the guy is grabbing his coat and leaving. “Where are you going? I thought we were about to get kinky.” She asks. “Look lady, I already ######ed your dog and shit in your purse, I’m outta here!” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grover Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 :D good jokes, bad boy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnb Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 ARGUMENTSA woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. Excellent and sooooo true Johnb Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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