Difference Of Treatment By The Family

[mouse]

Can anyone enlighten me before this becomes a problem. I have a four year old daughter and a two year old son and watch with increasing concern as my son is favored in all aspects by all members of the Thai family. I have tried numerous times to explain that both children are equal but, have until now had my comments fall on deaf ears. How can this problem be overcome in todays supposedly modern society.

[Wash]

If it is equality you want Thiland is not the place to raise your kids. Here girls are second class citizens from the word go and boys can do no wrong. Here the girls have to take care of boys and men in the family as a way of life and can eat only after boys and men are finished with all the good stuff that the girls prepared already consumed. Here the girls are taught from the word go that they don't measure up even in basic religeon in that girls are not allowed to even touch a monk. That is what you have to over come and I suggest to you that you will not change the culture of this country.

What all of this creates in the gals is a strength of character and a work ethic that puts men and boys to shame but for sure there is no such think as equality here.

[astral]

Wash is right.

The best you can do is to try and assert your values in your children in your own house and hope it rubs off on them.

It will be a hard struggle.

However take hope from the fact that there are many women in senior

positions in Industry here, so it can be done.

[Richard Hall]

Is it really a matter of the gender? Usually, many Thais even favor girls over boys because latter just tend to be naughtier. Possibly, it is just the usual "nah rag" factor commonly found. People tend to take a kick out off what is just different from the standard/average.

To Mouse: Look at your children objectively. Does the younger boy (obviously lug krueng) possibly feature a lighter skin and/or other more typical farang characteristics than his sister? If yes, you know why he is favored and there is basically nothing you can do to have people change their unfair behavior. All YOU and YOUR WIFE can do is to treat both children always absolutely equally in all aspects. However, be careful not falling trap to treat the boy unintentionally harsher than the girl to make up for the pampering he (not his fault) receives from other people.

To Wash: It is not that in Buddhism females are not allowed to touch monks because they are "just" women or girls but rather to avoid leading the male monk into temptation by physical contact. Buddhism does not know injustice and bias. Its strength comes from tolerance instead of dictation which makes it so unique. Actually, if people just had followed its actual teaching this thread would have never needed to be posted.

[sbk]

Mouse, I hate to be pessimistic but I have watched this happen with the children of many of my friends over the years. No, it is not just this family, it is most. Although some people do prefer girls (boys are more trouble ) generally girls are expected to take a back seat to the boys when there are boys present in the family. Alas, as your daughter gets older she will also encounter quite a lot of peer pressure to behave and conform to a certain type of behavior. My sister-in-law does not conform to the standard and is not only the black sheep of the family but is also quite looked down upon in the community. This isn't to say you can't compensate for it but she will feel the difference from your wife's as she gets older. Good luck to you and just try and treat your daughter as fairly as you possibly can, try to encourage her in whatever she wants to do. Hopefully the love of her father will compensate for the unfair treatment she receives from the rest of her relatives.

[thatguy]

my thai gf hails from just west of khon kaen. honors her parents, family, including her two young ones (boys). works the kiosks in the malls in pattaya, si racha, the south, where ever the company needs her. feisty, independent, full of the devil, and self admittely, heart hot at times. perhaps the die isn't so cast. boy, am i in trouble.

[stroll]

You are confirming that girls are educated to be harder workers and take responsibility.

[Up2U]

In many countries the girls grow up to do all the hard work and the boys grow up to be lazy parasites. Start with ALL African countries, most arab countries.

Only a few places, such as parts of Sumatra and Malaysia (the Minangkabau areas) have matriarchial societies where the woman inherits the property.

My solution (encouraged and supported by my wife) is that the son stays with the grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins in Issaan, our daughter is with us in Pattaya, getting a good education, love and support. She will grow up with all the advantages, the son (neither are mine by blood) will sit on his backside in the farm.

[Yohan]

I have a four year old daughter and a two year old son and watch with increasing concern as my son is favored in all aspects by all members of the Thai family.

I wonder, how the situation might be, if the son is 4 years and the daughter is 2 years.

I feel somehow, it is because the 2 years old child needs more help and attention at the moment compared to the 4 years old child. This might change within some years...

Can you give some examples about *favored in all aspects*?

Johann

[bkk_mike]

I have a four year old daughter and a two year old son

I have a four year old and two year old daughters, and the two year old gets more attention than the four year old from the Thais in the family.

It may not be anything to do with the sex of your children, just that 2 year olds can be "cuter".

[Zmegma]

You are confirming that girls are educated to be harder workers and take responsibility.

As is the case in most economically poor societies.

[Padkapow Guy]

Here girls are second class citizens from the word go

From my wife's experience this is 100% correct. My wife is the oldest of her family and pretty much has been on her own since she was 8 years old. Her mother does not like girls and treats them like they are farm animals but when it comes to her brothers they are treated like royalty. My wife has been sent to live with every member of her mothers family including the grand parents and everyone of the treated her like a house maid. Her brother used to steal food and sneak it to her with out the other family members knowing because they wanted to save the food for the boys. It was not a good childhood. All because she was a girl. Now she makes more money in 1 month than they make in a year and everyone is kissing her arse thinking they can get some of her money.(Karma is a MF) I don't know why but she still gives them some(not much). One good thing that came out of this is she is very self dependant and hard working.

Sorry to get off the subject a little bit but the story's she tells me piss me off. Anyway protect your daughter to the best of your ability against the unfair treatment from your thai relatives. Make sure she knows she is just as special as her brother.

good luck with the in-laws

[Crocs]

Interesting topic, but why not accept the Thai way if you are there. At least accept the in-laws approach, it's their culture. Wouldn't it be odd if your wife "advised" your parents in your homeland (her in-laws) that she wants the elder daughter to serve the younger son rice all the time. Cultural differences are hard when it comes to child rearing, but as SBK said, the best you can do is instill a home-regime which you are comfortable with, bearing in mind that it may have effects on the girl's Thai-personality in the future.

[chaiyapoon]

I have never understood this attitude as it is the female that brings in the dowry and a husband that very often then lives in the house with her parents helping to provide for the family.Her brother costs them a dowry and then goes off and lives with his wifes family.

[Snark]

The male being favored is typical in almost all agrarian cultures and societies. The male children work and later inherit the farm etc.

A few of the byproducts of the agrarian origin mentality is the sloth on the part of the male and unwanted females ending up as indentured servants, prostitutes and the like. In many of these societies a woman bearing only female children is grounds for divorce, taking another wife or wives and even having the wife ostracised from her community and family.

The roles of the children is established as the /social security/ of the family. Which offspring, in what capacity, will take care of the elderly family members.

[Yohan]

Snark Posted: Sat 2004-05-29, 06:12:04 The male being favored is typical in almost all agrarian cultures and societies. The male children work and later inherit the farm etc.

Maybe in Thailand, but for sure not in Europe. I do not know, if the Thai law of inheritage is containing any discrimination man (son) or woman (daughter) - I do not think so however.

In my case in Europe, I never had the feeling that I was favored as a boy.... More the opposite, I would say. And I never saw any inheritage of relatives...

Snark Posted: Sat 2004-05-29, 06:12:04 A few of the byproducts ...............and unwanted females ...............

Great for us foreigners, visiting Thailand, very interesting however, that the unwanted female is still asking for dowry for the family, which was treating her so bad, when she was still a small child....

Snark Posted: Sat 2004-05-29, 06:12:04  Which offspring, in what capacity, will take care of the elderly family members.

In my case, this is the son.... or do you think any female relatives (who are his daughters) will care of my father (how is now 97 years old) - I had to bring him over to Tokyo 15 years ago, already...If you are getting old, then it does not mean that the daughters will take care of the father....

Openly tell you, please spare me all these stupid stories, how bad are girls treated, and how nice everybody in the family is towards the boys.....and later on, how poor are all women and how bad are all the men....

pure nonsense....criminal records of child mistreatment clearly show, that the ratio of male children : female children is 2:1 or higher....and the person, who is mistreating the child is in many cases not a man, but often a woman out of the family.

Finally, your treatment as a child is pure luck.....and nothing else.... it has nothing to do, if you are a boy or a girl.......you cannot choose your parents....Simple and true

Johann

[bina]

Snark Posted: Sat 2004-05-29, 06:12:04 The male being favored is typical in almost all agrarian cultures and societies. The male children work and later inherit the farm etc.

Too true, and the habit lingers on after for thousands of years; in muslim and jewish culture, a man can divorce his wife for not bearing males; jewish males get parties at age 8 days (circumcision) -- receiving monetary gifts, the girl does not; the boy must do bar mitzva, again receiving monetary gifts; the american jewish girls do also but in israel it is dependant if you are morroccan, ethiopian, iraquian, polish etc...

boys are fussed over, girls do the house, food, hosting etc; the larger the family, the more this is true... but i did see somewhere that thai girls are sometimes favoured more because they stay in the family when married to take care of parents, bring in dowry (except among khmer families from what i was able to understand from men ive talked to in burimram area) true or not?? cant find my source now; BTW i am anthropologist and find this a fascinating thread.

i find here that when my kids visit the thai workers, the cute factor is part of the deal; blond helps, but smiling and outward going also helps where as a shy person or child like my son justs tends to sit on the side; my daughter (age 10) is petted, hand fed icecream, brought fruit, given any thing she demands (something she would never do in my house); my son is not rough and tough for a boy, and less cute at the age of 14 (the working age for a thai farm boy), i.e. gets less attention.