Tired of Life - Lost a Friend - Not Depressed Anymore

[dennis123]

My best friend and ex-lover committed suicide six months ago.

 

I wasn't the best boyfriend so I let him go two years ago as I thought he deserved a better boyfriend.

 

We started a relationship that I wasn't totally into but I wanted to give it a try nonetheless.

 

It didn't work out so I broke it up, apparently, he wasn't too unhappy with it at first sight and he went his own way.

 

He moved back to Pattaya, I stayed in Buriram.

 

After a year when my rental contract in Buriram finished, I moved to the south, Samui / Phangan to see if I liked it more over there, after spending a few months in the south I returned to Pattaya.

 

In the time we were apart we had the occasional contact, and when I returned to Pattaya we've become friends and saw each other sporadically due to his work but we did start to chat more often again.

 

Once a month or so (one and a half years after our break-up) we met about once a month, went out, got drunk, slept together, woke up, had breakfast, and I brought him back home.

 

This went on for about 3-4 months.

 

At some point, he had a decision of his own to make, return to Buriram to start a study, or stay in Pattaya.

 

I motivated him to return to Buriram, start studying and focus on finding a Thai boyfriend as the gay scene in Pattaya mainly consists of 50+-year-olds that he wasn't interested in.

 

I kind of demotivated him in finding a farang boyfriend in Pattaya and told him he would have more luck in Bangkok instead but as he had no friends there it would be hard for him to integrate there.

 

So he returned to Buriram where his parents run a car garage, definitely not rich but IMO sufficient money to send him to college or university.

 

He decided differently, all his friends his age moved to Bangkok, Pattaya, Nakhon Si Thammarat and so on, and he felt lonely living alone with his grandma I suppose.

 

He could've lived with his parents at the car garage but later I understood he rather lived with his grandma in the countryside instead of hanging around the garage all day long.

 

Before he moved back to Buriram he told me he found a Thai boyfriend in Pattaya and found medication in his room for HIV. He questioned him a few times about it and the guy made up a story what it was for. Suspicious as my ex-was he started to search the name of the medication in Google and found out it was an HIV treatment, and he had unprotected sex with him.

 

One day he told me on Messenger and I started to search around in Google to see if there was any solution, asked him how long ago it was and he said two days. I took him to Bangkok Pattaya hospital to get him PEP treatment, which is like a morning-after-pill for HIV, opposed to PREP which you take in advance.

 

He got a 30-day course and the price kind of surprised me, 14,000 baht, and he noticed that I was surprised by the relatively high price and suggested to take a course of 15-days instead of the suggested 30-day course. Obviously, I said no way, you have to take the full course so that's what we got.

 

Half-way the course he told me he had a test and was HIV-negative, but based on the information online it turns out that it's useless to take a test halfway as those medicines have a heavy influence on the test result. I told him that and in hindsight maybe I shouldn't have told him that.

 

He would come visit me during Songkran in Pattaya to enjoy the party and then afterward we would visit the hospital for his final test to see if he was 100% clear or not.

 

He never showed up during Songkran, stopped replying to my messages, and only after Songkran in Pattaya was finished he messaged me again on the 22nd of April, he told me he had a huge fight with his parents and asked me to come live with me in Pattaya. I told him mate relax, think about your future, you're supposed to go to school, get an eduation and built a life for yourself.

 

He replied angrily and said "Oh you don't want me to come????", I said no it's not like that, you're always welcome to stay with me, I just want the best for you, but if you really want to come you can come, no problem at all.

 

He told me he would take the bus in the evening and asked me to come pick him up at the bus station in Pattaya in the morning and I agreed.

 

I went on with my daily business and suddenly he said I'm going to look for a rope.

 

I was confused and thought he's still pissed off about the fight with his parents, didnt' take it all that serious and told him, why look for a rope, you could just as well jump in the water and keep your mouth closed, same effect. I don't know exactly why I said that. I just tried to turn it into an impossible situation as no one can drown himself by keeping his mouth close, I had no idea he was seriously planning this.

 

We talked more but I don't remember the exact words we said, after a while I took a shower and went for groceries, while turning onto Sukhumvit road with heavy traffic I checked my phone, a few messages from him: "Hope to see you in next life. You come see me when I die?" with a photo of him and a rope around his neck.

 

I called the emergency line and they gave me a local number in Buriram, I was in Pattaya, and he was there. No credit on my phone and no exact address or even a proper description of his grandmothers home I was desperate, adding to the fact that I saw his message 30 minutes after it was sent. I drove to Pattaya police station which were of no help despite tourism police from my own country being there. Apparently, they don't have a national phone/address book. The Thai police officer treated it like it was some sort of desperate prank, and the tourist police were like, well yeah this ain't Holland.

 

He unfriended me from Facebook a week prior, when I confronted him with that he denied it. I suppose he already had this in mind and wanted to prevent me from contacting people that were nearby that might've been able to rescue him / prevent this.

 

I regret it every single day that I didn't take him more seriously as there were plenty of signs, and once he even asked during a party if I wanted to die with him because once I told him that when I run out of money I'd rather die instead of returning to my home country. It's amost like he did what I said, he ran out of money in Pattaya and returned to his home county/province.

 

I understand it's not my fault but I do feel I play a big part in this, and as I've been unhappy about my own life for quite a while I truly don't care about dieing anymore.

 

I'm not posting this for pity, I'm posting this as a relief, each time I've been out to bars I've shared part of this story without telling the whole truth, in the first five months after this happening I haven't been out of my house at all except for the necessary visa trip.

 

At the start of this month I started drinking as that's the only way to not feel sad about this, and no I don't need any help to stop drinking, I purposely didn't drink for the first five months to deal with his loss the natural way and out of respect for him.

 

Now I drink while mixing it with painkillers and valium just to have a good time and forget about it. They say it's bad to mix alcohol with prescription drugs but I think it's all bogus and if it isn't I'm happy to visit him in heaven.

 

Like I said, I'm not suicidal, I can't force myself to it, but if I die due to unforseen or better said circumstances I'm fine with it.  I always felt we had a good match but my anger issues destroyed our relationship and although I realize he didn't kill himself due to my anger issues, as we're already 2 years past that, I do think he might still be alive if i didn't' deal with those issues. Not saying that I'm his prince on the white horse but he would probably still be here instead of having met up with this <deleted> up Thai guy that most probably gave him HIV while knowing he was infected.

 

I don't need recommendations for psychiatrists or psychologists or their worthless medications, I just wanted to put this story out here.

 

I also doubt if he actually took his medication or that he made up this story, his cousin didn't believe a word of it and told me he was tired of life.

 

As for me, I don't give a shit anymore, I have some health issues that cause me physical pain that I want to fix but if it's anything serious I'm fine with dieing and visiting him in heaven, though I have serious doubts that exists. I'm not depressive, I left that part behind me, alcohol fixes everything, and when I do feel depressed I pour another drink for him and me, toast and tell him I hopefully see him soon.

 

That's also the reason I'm not to fond of seeing doctors as I rather spend my last $15k + $1500/month or so on booze and sex instead of surgical situation but the pain that comes with the medical issues is annoying, hence my inquiries about the cheapest solutions to fix it. I'd give myself a year or two and I'm done and I'm fine with it. Just hoping I get to see him again.

 

One thing I always remember are his last words: "Hope to see you in next life" but I know that suicide isn't the best way to go in terms of a next life so each time i see some gecko in my house I try to get closer and talk to it but it always flees away.

 

Miss you forever Bell, wish you'd given it more time, my life wasn't always perfect but magic/luck does happen and I think you've missed out on some great things as you (we)'re still so young.

[observer90210]

Sad story and there is no harm or shame in going to a clinic to get proper medical assessment for the trauma you have gone through.

 

Wish you all the best.

[CharlieH]

Its good to get it out and let go, to release it, and I hope writing that may have helped in some way.

 

If you feel you want to talk at some point, this may be of help.

 

The charity Samaritans is available around the clock for people who want to talk.

If you or anyone you know is in need of mental health services, please contact the Samaritans of Thailand at their 24-hour hotline 02-713-6791 (English), 02713-6793 (Thai) or Thai Mental Health Hotline at 1323 (Thai).

http://www.samaritansth

 

 

[Fab5BKK]

http://www.samaritansthai.com/

 

[dennis123]

Thanks for the comments, I dealt with it myself, his family, and partly thanks to The Alliance of Hope.

 

Although I hardly received any help from my own family and friends I was in continuous contact with his family and I think/hope we've helped each other through those hard times. I've spent the week during his funeral ceremony in Buriram and am in daily contact with his father, and regular contact with his younger sister on Facebook if it's only liking her posts or whatever emotion is appropriate.

 

Now six months later I'm still in regular contact with his dad, and after sharing his story in a bar with a lady I've never met before I still bust out in tears (rather unexpectedly). I never had a good relationship with his mother so we're quite distanced from each other but I can't imagine how tough it must be for her to lose her only son. She must have a lot of mixed feelings as she had a big fight with him (if I have to believe his last words) while he had only praise for me.

 

The praise is nice that he wants to meet me in his next life but........