It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed...

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray...

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

"Oh, sister" said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved".

"Saved...? how did that come about"...? asked the old nun.

"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven"...

Did he now"... the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, "and Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fitted my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace...

Then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock"...

"Is that a fact"...? said the old nun even more evenly....

"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved"...

"That wicked old bastard" said the old nun. He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years"

A police officer patrolling late at night comes up on a car pulled to the side of the road. He sees two teenagers inside.

Coming alongside he notices a strange sight. The boy is reading a book, the girl is quietly knitting.

“How old are you two?” he asks.

“Well, I’m 19,” says the boy,”and she’ll be 16 in… about 14 minutes.”

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don’t think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn’t agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "Were medical students and couldn’t help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn’t agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?" The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think." The first student said, "I think its Peltry Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought, but you're wrong." The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought, but you're wrong." So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?" The old man said, "I thought it was gas - but I was wrong, too!"

This is brilliant...............

 

 

 

<Insert name of your "favourite" politician> and his driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a pig ran in front of the car.

The driver tried to avoid it but couldn’t.

The pig was killed.

The <politician> told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened.

About an hour later the driver staggers back to the car with his clothes in total disarray.

He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.

“What happened?” asked the <politician>.

“Well,” the driver replied “the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me.”

“My God, what did you tell them?” asked the <politician>.

The driver replied: “I’m <politician's> driver, and I just killed the pig.”

 

56 minutes ago, still kicking said:

Happens to me every time 

 

He skipped Legs today........................