oh dear... what have I started?!?!

keep 'em coming...

Judge: Look here Mickey Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce from Minnie.

Mickey (stunned): Why not?

Judge: I have reviewed all the information you gave the court, but i can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy.

Mickey (exasperated): Your honour! I didn't say she was crazy...

I said she was <deleted> Goofy!

No, Warfie is not posting from beyond the grave (RIP mate), but we had to close the original thread for technical reasons.

 

May Warfie's memory live on in this new thread.

 

Old thread.

 

 

 

Arghh ^^^. The spirit lives on!!!

 

I hope these are bad enough to keep the memory alive and kicking!

 

What did the termite do when she couldn’t carry the twig on her own?
She hired an assist-ant.

     
 Why is it so hard to fool a snake?
 Because you can’t pull its leg.

 

 Why did the mama ladybug ground her kids?
 They were bugging her.

 What is a frog’s favorite soda?
 Croaka-Cola.

   
 What do you get when you mix a bird with a blender?
 Shredded tweet.

 What shape is like a lost parrot?
 Polygon.

 What do you call a bird that’s been eaten by a cat?
 A swallow.

 What do you call the second bird that’s been eaten by the same cat?
 An after-dinner tweet.

 One day a man walked into a bird shop carrying a beak. “I’m looking for a bird to match this beak,” he said to the owner.
 “No problem,” said the owner. “I’ve got one that’ll fit the bill.”  

 Why did the bird make fun of everyone?
 It was a mockingbird!

 
 ALEX: Did you hear the story about the peacock?
 TRISH: No, but I heard it’s a beautiful tale!
 

Edited December 4, 20187 yr by scottiejohn
editing!!??

Walking down the street the other day and saw my mate pulling a leash with a Cabbage on the end.

I asked him "why are you pulling along a leash with a Cabbage on the end?"

He Replied "Oh no, the Bloke who sold it to me said it was a Collie!"

An Amish family decides to go to New York for the first Time in their lives; Mother, Father and their son.

 

They go into the Empire State Building. As they're walking around they notice the elevator. Never seeing one before they stand in front of it bewildered.

 

While staring at it, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to it, pushes the button, the door opens, she rolls herself inside and the door closes.

 

The Amish family watches as the lights for each floor light as it goes up. They continue to watch as the numbers go down again.

 

The door opens and out walks this tall, slim, gorgeous blonde. Great figure. Beautiful!

 

Paw looks at his son and says, "Quick boy, shove your mother in there!"

 

.

13 hours ago, chickenslegs said:

Walking down the street the other day and saw my mate pulling a leash with a Cabbage on the end.

I asked him "why are you pulling along a leash with a Cabbage on the end?"

He Replied "Oh no, the Bloke who sold it to me said it was a Collie!"

groan emoji

 

Edited December 5, 20187 yr by billd766

If you thought that was a groaner, read on ...

 

A scientist is driving along the highway, and sees a rabbit lying on the road after it had just been run over. He stops to check it out.

 

Since he just happens to be researching a formula to bring dead things back to life. He takes a can of his formula over to the dead rabbit, and sprays it on the rabbit. Nothing happens.

 

He heads back to his car, grabs another can from the glove box, and again sprays the rabbit. The rabbit quickly comes back to life, somewhat stunned but alive nonetheless.

 

It starts hopping away, then stops and waves at the scientist, hops a few feet, stops and waves. It keeps hopping and waving until it disappears into the bushes.

 

The scientist is puzzled as to why the first can failed but the second worked. He looks at the label…

 

 

"HAIR RESTORER - With Permanent Wave"

THE "GROANARAMA" CONTINUES-whether you want it or not!

 

Why did the teacher send the duck to the principal’s office?
 He was making wisequacks.

 How do baby birds know how to fly?
 They just wing it.

 Why did the bird sit on the fish?
 It was a perch after all.

 What do you get when you cross a duck with a large reptile?
 A snappy quack-odile.

 Who tells the best chicken jokes?
 Comedi-hens.

 Why did the duck become a spy?
 He was good at quacking codes.

 

 Why was the bird arrested?
 He was a robin.

 Why did the rooster cross the road?
 To show he wasn’t a chicken.
 

6 hours ago, Snow Leopard said:

Only Scottie, Rab C, and Mary Doll got that one.

15 hours ago, chickenslegs said:

Only Scottie, Rab C, and Mary Doll got that one.

That's cause am own tap a ma game Jimmy!

 

Translation;  This is because I am on top of my game whoever you are; or;

The reason I was able to understand the subtilty of the rich Scottish dialect expressed in the Meme was due to my higher intellect, understanding and humility.

 

PS;  Mary Doll helped me tae rite this!

Edited December 7, 20187 yr by scottiejohn

Edited December 7, 20187 yr by scottiejohn

15 hours ago, billd766 said:

Is that what they look like?

 

I haven't seen one of those for years,

 

The dishwasher, that is.

Farang arrives to Pattaya today ...
He is looking for love ????

I can't believe how rude the suppositories helpline is?

Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, A Marine husband called home to tell his blonde wife he would be late - again. He went on to say that dirty magazines had been discovered in many of the platoon's lockers and the Officers had to discipline the whole squad. She launched into a tirade, arguing that many men had pictures hanging in their lockers at our previous post, so his new platoon should not be penalized for something so trivial.  She then ranted on demanding to know what pictures he had etc

The husband calmly listened to her gripes and then explained, 

 

"Dirty magazines: the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned." 
 

 

Edited December 8, 20187 yr by scottiejohn

5 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

Protect yourself!

Having coffee on a cold day somewhere in January i saw a guy pulling a heavy logging chain along the sidewalk.

Five minutes later he went the other way,again five minutes later he came by again!!I went out and asked him why he was pulling this heavy chain back and forward.

His response"are you kidding me?have you ever tried to push one'?

On getting older ...

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘“At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.” Claude Pepper

 

He’s so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front. George Burns

 

I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet. Rita Rudner

 

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her. Agatha Christie

 

I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do. Phyllis Diller

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. Rita Rudner

 

I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. Rodney Dangerfield

 

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age — as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. Phyllis Diller

 

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read. George Burns

8 hours ago, chickenslegs said:

I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet. Rita Rudner

I thought SHE said;

I plan to have face-lifts until I have a beard.

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.

The old-timer says, ‘Look at me. I’m old and worn out. You’d never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France.’

The new man asked, ‘What happened?’ 

‘One day Riley reported his credit cards missing and the Gendarme arrested me.’