Sunday Jokes

[Jamesyboi]

Tied to the Tracks

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire." The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.

That night over dinner, the first man tells his story.

"Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."

"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"

"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

There was this guy sitting on a park bench muttering to himself and spitting.

He would mutter, then spit, mutter, then spit, he would say, "######, that sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "######, that sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "###### that sonofabitch can drive"... then spit.

A man sits down next to him and asks him, "What's going on here? You keep saying, "###### that sonofabitch can drive, then you spit."

"Well," says the guy, "my friend just got a brand new sports car, so he calls me and asks me if I want to go for a ride. So, I say sure, why not? He picks me up and we drive up to the mountains. After we have lunch, we start back down the mountain and his brakes go out!!He's pumping the pedal, and nothing!! So now we're picking up speed and the road is all twisty and curvy. We're going faster and faster, and it's hard to stay on the road. I've got my fingers embedded in the dashboard, and I'm pleading with him to do something!! We're going about 90 mph now, with a sheer cliff on our right, a 500 foot drop on the other side, an 18 wheeler truck right on our butts, and an overturned motor home right in front of us. Well, I figure this is it! I just knew we were gonna die! So I turned to him and said, "Buddy, if you can get us outta this, I'll give you the best ###### blow job you've ever had!"

He paused ... then spit. "######, THAT SON OF A B**** CAN **DRIVE**!!"

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office.

The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Madam, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." The president laughs, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" The president agrees, "Sure, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls aren't square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office.

She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet, "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money,

so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hel_l's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10am today I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

Dilbert's Rules of Order

1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.

6. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling

8. My reality check bounced.

9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

10.I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

11.You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

12.Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

13.Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

14.Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

15.A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

16.Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

17.After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

18.The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

19.You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

20.Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

21.If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

23.When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

24.Following the rules will not get the job done.

25.When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, " How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

[Pink Mist]

you are one sick puppy jamsie