The New Wonder Pill

[mr_hippo]

We all know that there are lots of different pills available to the athelete with various "performance enhancers." Some of them work, but are illegal. Others are legal, but don't work very well.

ShelBroCo, in cooperation with Sam Houston Tech, is proud to announce "Product W" a highly effective performance enhancment pill that is completely legal! (At least for the moment...)

The primary active ingredient in Product W is the miracle drug

3,7-Dihydro-3,7-dimethyle-1H-prine-2,6-dione

More popularly known as:

Theobromine

Theobromine is an all natural substance obtained at great expense from certain tropical plants.

Here's the dope on theobromine chemistry: NAME : Theobromine

CHEMICAL NAME : 3,7-Dihydro-3,7-dimethyle-1H-prine-2,6-dione

ALTERNATE CHEMICAL NAMES : 3,7-dimethylxanthine

CHEMICAL FORMULA C7H8N4O2

MOLECULAR WEIGHT 180.17

From the Merck Index 12th Edition

Product W contains a variety of chemicals, with the primary psychoactive components being theobromine (about 1% of total weight) and caffeine (<.1%). Other chemicals include serotonin, histamine, salsolinol, methyltetrahydroisoquinoline, phenethylamine, telemethylhistamine, spermidine, p-tyramine,3-methyloxytyramine, tryptamine, and spermine.

Now, unless you're a highly trained chemist, the above material may seem like meaningless gobbledygook. What, you ask are the practical effects of using Product W?

That's an easy question to ask, but not so easy to answer. Product W is primarily intended as a legal stimulant, providing the athlete with energy and promoting alertness.

Reports of Product W having beneficial effects on sexual responsiveness in both males and females are widespread, but must be considered anecdotal in the absence of a rigorous research study.

Dosage

Due to the low melting point of the active ingredient, theobromine, we encase each dosage unit in a hard but thin candy-like shell. As a result, it won't melt in your hand.

While Product W may be swallowed as with other pills, many athletes prefer to chew the pills for more rapid theobromine release. Many people actually find the flavor quite pleasant.

Due to the low concentration of theobromine, usual dosage is anywhere from 10 to 30 Product W tablets at a time, repeated as desired.

Cautions

Product W users should avoid operating heavy machinery while under its influence, but no problem with light machinery. In the case of bicycles, it is only recommended for use with bicycles weighing 22 pounds (10 kg) or less, for this reason.

Keep this product out of reach of children at all times.

Product W is for human use only, and may be harmful to dogs.

Possible Side Effects

Excessive consumption of Product W may lead to weight gain, insomnia, skin eruptions or dental caries.

Format

Product W tablets come in a variety of cheerful colors, each with a "W" stamped on it.

What Athletes Say:

Runners:

"I'm a runner not a bicyclist, but Product W works so well for me that many of my friends call me "Dubya!" --G.W.B., Texas

"That Coyote hasn't a chance of catching me, as long as I've got my Ws!" --R.R., Arizona

"I wish I had known about untraceable Product W back in 1998!" --B.J., Canada

Cyclists:

"When the Arc de Triomphe seems impossibly far away, I just pop a handful of Product W and get that extra bit of energy I need!" --L.A., Texas

Chess Players:

"If only Product W had been available when I faced Big Blue!" G.K., Moscow

Officials:

"Sacre bleu! Product W is too good, and too hard to test for! We're working overtime to develop a test, but it is a natural product, so this is not so easy. For now there are no restrictions enforceable against its use." T.F., Paris