Monday Jokes

[Jamesyboi]

Three elderly grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then an old grandpa walked by, and one of the old grandmas yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell how old you are."

The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it."

One of the ornery grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop

your underpants and we can tell your exact age."

So embarrassed just a little, he dropped his drawers. The grandmas stared at him for a while, asked him to turn around a couple of times, asked him to jump up and down for a little while and then they all piped up and said, "You're 84 years old!"

The old man was stunned. "Amazing! How in the world did you guess that?"

The old grandmas, laughed. Slapping their knees and

grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in

unison, "Because you told us yesterday"

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A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while

his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went

through so he prayed:

"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while

my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the chequebook. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then it was already 1 P.M. He hurried to make the beds, do

the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen

floor. He then ran to the school to pick up the kids and

got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out

milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables

for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans

for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores

weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to

make love, which he managed to get through without

complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed

and said:

"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to

envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel

you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."

Voted Women's Favorite E-mail of the Year

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A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour

and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "arthritis."

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The psychiatrist was not expecting the distraught stranger

who staggered into his office and slumped into a chair.

"I'm losing my memory, Doctor," he sobbed. "What should I

do?"

"Pay me in advance."

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A teacher said to her little student Suzy, "Punctuate the following sentence: Fun fun fun worry worry worry."

Little Suzy thought for a moment and began her reply,

"Let's see... Fun period Fun period Fun no period worry

worry worry."

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A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on

one of the shelves.

"What are you doing in there?" she asked.

The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?", to which the lady replied "Yes."

"Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing."

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Top Country Western Songs

10. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

9. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

8. I Liked You Better Before I Got To Know You So Well

7. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Afraid

She'd Win

6. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here

4. My wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss

Him

3. Her Tooth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure

2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer

And the Number One song is:

1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman, But I've

Sure Woke Up With A Few

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I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked

up something off the ground and started to put it in her

mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to

do that.

"Why?", my daughter asked. Because it’s laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs", I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?" "Uh"...I was thinking quickly,

"All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have

to know it or they don't let you be a Mommy". We walked

along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "OH...I get it!", she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test, you have to be the daddy". "Exactly", I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart.

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The bride was anything but a tidy housekeeper. It didn't

bother her much until one evening when her husband called

from the hall, somewhat dismayed: "Honey, what happened to

the dust on this table? I had a phone number written on

it."

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Part of my job at the District Attorney's office is to send letters to people accused of crimes, informing them when a court date is scheduled. One such notice was returned, clearly by a criminal mastermind, with this jotted on the envelope, "I do not live here anymore."