Friday Jokes

[Jamesyboi]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would

transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in

favour if it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even

10% was probably more pain that the father had ever experienced

before.

But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to

go ahead and bump it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband will

still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands' blood

pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50%.The husband continued to feel

quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the

wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the

pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her

husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the milkman was dead on the porch.

Cowboy Chili

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in a small western town. He sits at the counter and notices an older cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler, and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead". Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately up-chucks his meal back into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got too."

Mick appeared on the Irish version of "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" and was nearly at the end of the quiz with winnings of £500,000.

"You've done very well so far," said the show's presenter, "But to get the $1million, you've only got one lifeline left - Phone a friend.

Everything is riding on this question...will you have a go?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"OK. The question is, 'Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

(a) Robin, ( Sparrow, © Cuckoo or (d) Thrush."

I haven't got a clue," said Mick, "so I'll use my last lifeline and phone m' friend Paddy back home in Ballygoon."

Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

"Fookin hel_l, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple... it's a cuckoo."

"Are you sure, Paddy?" asked Mick.

"I'm fookin sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told the TV presenter, "I'll go with (a) Cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer? Lock it in?" asked the host.

"Dat it is, Sir. Lock it in"

There was a long, long pause, then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won £1 million!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in God's name did you know it was the Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest? I mean, you know <deleted>-all about birds."

"Ah bejaysus!" laughed Paddy. "Everybody knows a fookin' Cuckoo lives in a clock!"

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my private bits and a car hit me. I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid moo..........why else would I buy dog food??