6 Jokes

[Jamesyboi]

A very loud, unattractive, overweight, hard-faced woman walks into Big W with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Big W. Nice children you've got there -- are they twins?"

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hel_l would you think they're twins?..... Do you think they look alike, ya <deleted>?"

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe anyone would screw you twice."

"Don't laugh!" said Ed, the patient.

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional.

In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'woo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It wasn't any bigger

than the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling,

then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentlemen, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Ed replied.

Ms. Brooks was having trouble with one of her first-grade pupils.

"Johnny, what is your problem?"

Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first Grade.

My sister is in third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had enough, so she took Johnny to the principal's office.

The principal agreed that he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

He started by asking Johnny some simple arithmetic.

"What is three times three?"

"Nine, Sir."

"How much is nine times six?"

"Fifty-four."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.

The principal looked at Ms. Brooks and said, "I think Johnny can go to third grade! He seems smart enough."

Ms. Brooks said to the principal,"Let me ask him some questions?"

The principal and Johnny both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asked, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

Johnny, after a moment, answered "Legs, Ma'am"

"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

"Pockets!"

"OK, what does a dog do that a man steps into?"

"Pants."

"What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"

"Coconut."

"What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer,

Johnny was taking charge.

"Bubblegum!"

"What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

"Shake hands, Ma'am."

"Now for some 'Who am I' sort of questions, OK?

First one.

You stick your pole inside me, you tie me down to get me up, and I get wet before you do."

Johnny, quick as ever, answered, "Tent!"

"OK, a finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first."

The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.

But Johnny was on the ball with "Wedding Ring!"

"I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good."

"Nose."

"Right, I have a stiff shaft, my tip penetrates, and I come with a quiver."

Arrow."

"Good, now for the last one.

What word starts with an 'F', ends in K', and means a lot of heat and excitement?"

"Firetruck, Ma'am!"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send him to university, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

I was asked to run a marathon. I said, "Piss off".

They said "Come on, it's for spastics and blind kids."

Then I thought......."<deleted>, I could win this."

Bob, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He

sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10:00 PM news was coming on.

The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large

Building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the

ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob,

saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the

5 PM news and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money.

what's worse than finding a worm in you apple?

the holocaust

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How do you make a swiss roll?

push him down a hill

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what did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

Where the <deleted>'s my tractor?

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What did the farmer say when he found his tractor

found my f*cking tractor

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how did the koala die?

fell out of a tree

how did the second koala die?

he was stapled to the first koala

how did the third koala die?

he was hit by a fridge

how did the kangaroo die

he was hit by 3 koalas and a fridge