Monday Jokes

[Jamesyboi]

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary

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8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Diary

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Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are Fed

hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the

rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to

keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of

escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.

I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly

demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made

condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.

Ba$tard$!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was

placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.

However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my

confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn

what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my

tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this

again tomorrow --but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and

seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the

guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors

have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is

safe. ..... For NOW !

Tape this inside your medicine cabinet

Tape this inside medicine cabinet

Did You Know That?

Drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve headache pain almost

> immediately -- without the unpleasant side effects caused by tradition!

al "pain relievers."

Did you know that Colgate toothpaste makes an excellent salve for burns.

Before you head to the drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled with

mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously strong

Altoids peppermints. They'll clear up your stuffed nose.

Achy muscles from a bout of the flu? Mix 1 Tablespoon of horseradish in

1 cup of olive oil. Let the mixture sit for 30 minutes, then apply it as

a massage oil, for instant relief for aching muscles.

Sore throat? Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and take

1 tablespoon six times a day. The vinegar kills the bacteria.

Cure urinary tract infections with Alka-Seltzer . Just dissolve two

tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms.

Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost

instantly -- even though the product w! as never been advertised for

this use. ( Note : Alka-Seltzer Plus Cold Medicine is not the same..and

contains aspirin, which can cause stomach bleeding if you have u!

lcers.)

Honey remedy for skin blemishes ... Cover the blemish with a! dab of

honey and place a Band-Aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the skin sterile and speeds healing.

Listerine < < /I > > therapy for toenail fungus ... Get rid of unsightly

toenail fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine mouthwash. The powerful

antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again.

Easy eyeglass protection ... To prevent the screws in eyeglasses from

loosening, apply a small drop of Maybelline Crystal Clear nail polish to

the threads of the screws before tightening them.

Coca-Cola cure for rust ... Forget those expensive rust removers. Just

saturate an abrasive sponge with Coca Cola and scrub the rust stain. The

phosphoric acid in the coke is what gets the job done.

Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer ... If menacing bees, wasps,

hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home and you can't find the

insectic! ide, try a spray of Formula 409 . Insects drop to the ground

instantly.

Smart splinter remover ...just pour a drop of Elmer's Glue-All over the

splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter

sticks to the dried glue.

Hunt's tomato paste boil cure ....cover the boil with Hunt's tomato

paste as a compress. The acids from the tomatoes soothe the pain and

bring the boil to a head.

Balm for broken blisters ...To disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few

drops of Listerine ... a powerful antiseptic.

Heinz vinegar to heal bruises ... Soak a cotton ball in white vinegar

> and apply it to the bruise for 1 hour. The vinegar reduces the blueness

and speeds up the healing process.

Kills fleas instantly . Dawn dish washing liquid does the trick. Add a

few drops to your dog's bath and shampoo the animal thoroughly. Rinse

well to avoid skin irritations. Goodbye fleas.

Rainy day cure for dog odor ... Next time your dog comes in from the

rain, simply wipe down the animal with Bounce or any dryer sheet,

instantly making your dog smell springtime fresh.

Eliminate ear mites ... All i! t takes is a few drops of Wesson corn oil

in your cat's ear. Massage it in, then clean with a cotton ball. Repeat

daily for 3 days. The oil soothes the cat's skin, smothers the mites,

and accelerates healing.

Quaker Oats for fast pain relief ....It's not for breakfast anymore! Mix

2 cups of Quaker Oats and 1 cup of water in a bowl and warm in the

microwave for 1 minute, cool slightly, and apply the mixture to your

hands for soothing relief from arthritis pain.

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily

in Toronto. However, the poor lady was not very

proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her

husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for

groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs.

She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation,

clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.

Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know

how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her

blouse to show the butcher her breasts! The butcher understood

again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to

find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the

store...

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What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!

[peter991]

James: The jokes are getting better. The middle one (Household Cures) should really go in the Health Section of ThaiVisa. There's some good hints there.

Peter