Will It Be "fair" To The Wife?

[Jersey_UK]

Not sure if this is the right forum - as not just after women's opinions (although greatly appreciated, as always ) but it does seem to be the closest fit..............mods feel free to relocate .

In brief: me Mr Farang, her Mrs Thai, no kids (nor other family for her to need to support back in Thailand) and intended that she relocate to my little part of Farangland in due course. (Gods and Embassy willing ).

The idea is that she gets a job when she arrives and for me it would be normal that 2 married wage earners in the same household would both contribute to the household budget of living Expenses. (Rent / Mortgage / Food / Bills etc). Each according to their means.

The reason for this post is trying to get a feel of what the wife would be expecting to happen when she is earning based on her knowledge of Thailand.

Would it be normal or reasonable in Thailand for an earning wife to contribute to a Household budget, even if the husband made a lot more than the wife and could afford not to have a contribution from her? and if so how much percentage wise?

We have already discussed this and she seems to have no problem with the principle.......but on the basis that at the moment their may be a degree of "she would say that" I thought a bit more investigation might be in order.

Exact £££ figures to be agreed when she starts earning and will not be a 50/50 split on the basis that I will be earning many times her salary ........but as a rough ball park our monthly living expenses would be IRO £1,500 a month, she will probably earn IRO £1k a month - therefore it would seem to me a little harsh to ask her to contribute £750 (half of the living expenses) as this would leave her £250 a month to clothe and entertain herself etc etc! But I think her contributing 50% of her salary (£500) would be reasonable.......leaving her enough to clothe herself and do "stuff".......albeit it being down to me for "Big ticket" items and probably to subsidise her a bit - especially initially whilst she sets herself up / gets to grips with the value of £££'s in Farangland.

My thinking is that I do want to be fair to her, but I beleive that it is important to help educate her to the value of money in Farangland and I figure letting her keep anything she earns (or too much) as just pocket money would not really help her understand this - however paying out your own money does I find concentrate the mind on expenditure! Ideally I would like her contribution to help motivate her to earn more by getting a better job(s) so I would not be looking to raise her contribution towards the 50% of expenses mark as and when her salary increased. Note that I do not want to keep her £££ dependent on me by taking her money off her and then "giving" it back - although in practice at least initially this is what will happen overall.

Of course us being in Farangland means Farang rules apply (so she WILL be contributing!), essentially just trying to find out whether this is unThai - so I know whether it is something I need to deal with or not. I will admit that I do struggle with the concept of "what's mine is now yours" ......we will have a joint accout for the household budget, but seperate his and hers accounts for everything else!

Finally, re-reading this it does sound kinda controlling! (and I posted into the Womens Section ) Honestly not meant to be! , just trying to think ahead / plan for both of us until she is in a position to help plan and make £££ decisions in Farangland from a position of knowledge.

Of course I am kinda tempting fate here on the SV application.................

[frikkiedeboer]

Not sure if this is the right forum - as not just after women's opinions (although greatly appreciated, as always ) but it does seem to be the closest fit..............mods feel free to relocate .

In brief: me Mr Farang, her Mrs Thai, no kids (nor other family for her to need to support back in Thailand) and intended that she relocate to my little part of Farangland in due course. (Gods and Embassy willing ).

The idea is that she gets a job when she arrives and for me it would be normal that 2 married wage earners in the same household would both contribute to the household budget of living Expenses. (Rent / Mortgage / Food / Bills etc). Each according to their means.

The reason for this post is trying to get a feel of what the wife would be expecting to happen when she is earning based on her knowledge of Thailand.

Would it be normal or reasonable in Thailand for an earning wife to contribute to a Household budget, even if the husband made a lot more than the wife and could afford not to have a contribution from her? and if so how much percentage wise?

We have already discussed this and she seems to have no problem with the principle.......but on the basis that at the moment their may be a degree of "she would say that" I thought a bit more investigation might be in order.

Exact £££ figures to be agreed when she starts earning and will not be a 50/50 split on the basis that I will be earning many times her salary ........but as a rough ball park our monthly living expenses would be IRO £1,500 a month, she will probably earn IRO £1k a month - therefore it would seem to me a little harsh to ask her to contribute £750 (half of the living expenses) as this would leave her £250 a month to clothe and entertain herself etc etc! But I think her contributing 50% of her salary (£500) would be reasonable.......leaving her enough to clothe herself and do "stuff".......albeit it being down to me for "Big ticket" items and probably to subsidise her a bit - especially initially whilst she sets herself up / gets to grips with the value of £££'s in Farangland.

My thinking is that I do want to be fair to her, but I beleive that it is important to help educate her to the value of money in Farangland and I figure letting her keep anything she earns (or too much) as just pocket money would not really help her understand this - however paying out your own money does I find concentrate the mind on expenditure! Ideally I would like her contribution to help motivate her to earn more by getting a better job(s) so I would not be looking to raise her contribution towards the 50% of expenses mark as and when her salary increased. Note that I do not want to keep her £££ dependent on me by taking her money off her and then "giving" it back - although in practice at least initially this is what will happen overall.

Of course us being in Farangland means Farang rules apply (so she WILL be contributing!), essentially just trying to find out whether this is unThai - so I know whether it is something I need to deal with or not. I will admit that I do struggle with the concept of "what's mine is now yours" ......we will have a joint accout for the household budget, but seperate his and hers accounts for everything else!

Finally, re-reading this it does sound kinda controlling! (and I posted into the Womens Section ) Honestly not meant to be! , just trying to think ahead / plan for both of us until she is in a position to help plan and make £££ decisions in Farangland from a position of knowledge.

Of course I am kinda tempting fate here on the SV application.................

i can only speak for my experiences in isaan- don't know how it works in the rest of thailand, but:

it seems that the woman's salary goes to supporting the family, and the man's salary (if he works at all) goes on booze and prostitutes. i should think the lady (if she comes from this part of the country) will probably think she hit the jackpot- finding a man who will actually contribute to the household expenses, and be prepared to work every day, too! just be fair and do not take too much advantage, and everything will work out fine.

regards

frikkie

[Jersey_UK]

[i can only speak for my experiences in isaan- don't know how it works in the rest of thailand, but:

it seems that the woman's salary goes to supporting the family, and the man's salary (if he works at all) goes on booze and prostitutes. i should think the lady (if she comes from this part of the country) will probably think she hit the jackpot- finding a man who will actually contribute to the household expenses, and be prepared to work every day, too! just be fair and do not take too much advantage, and everything will work out fine.

regards

frikkie

Booze and Prostitutes? Bll##dy hel_l! - they all non smokers up there?!

My Missus former "everything" but not from Isaan - Bangkok........I suspect their may be no "right" answer, but I always figure never any harm asking when yer don't know the answer to something.

[Jet Gorgon]

Geez, Frikkie, read Jersey's post. No fam to support at home, etc. Quit flaming Thais.

Reckon you should be saving together for something Jersey. House, retirement, whatever. You are together so you share and save together. Why separate?

[Mighty Mouse]

Pardon me for venturing into the ladies lair, I have to say that it smells quite nice in here.

...but, I saw the topic whilst passing this room and thought I'd drop in and give you my two bob's worth.

My girl and I live in Farangland. She now has a full time job earning reasonable money. I am the main bread winner.

Previously she had part time, casual work.

At first, I paid for everything. Any money that she sent home to the family came from me.

She is a saver and every $ that she made went into her saving account.

Her savings have now reached a level where she would be able to buy a good house in LOS, and in fact, this is what she would like to do.

We sat down one day and discussed our financial arrangements. I agreed to take care of all of our Farangland bills and she would take care of Thailand.

As we don't always eat the same type of food, (she loves her food super spicy so we usually cook separately) she has now started buying her own meat and vegetables, leaving me to buy mine.

It's amazing just how much money you can save by not having to buy two separate lots of ingredients.

When we go out to eat, I pay.

If she wants any of her relatives to visit us in Farangland, she pays for their airfares. She also pays for her own airfare when visiting LOS.

The Thailand bills are no where near as expensive as the Farangland bills, so I still am paying the lions' share of our living expenses. (This I regard as fair because of the differences in our individual incomes.)

We don't have a joint bank account and her name is not on the deeds to the house, but she is recorded in my will as the sole beneficiary to my estate and that should keep her in relative luxury when my time is up.

This arrangement is quite fair and we are both still able to regularly contribute to our respective savings accounts.

You need to keep in mind that your wife will be obligated to send money home. I agree with you that finding her a full time job will be most beneficial to the household. A steady income is a bonus, not only to the household as a whole but to her self esteem also.

..anyway, good luck and I'll now sneak out of this room. By the way, I love the wall paper and the flower arrangements in here. Most attractive.

[solo siam]

Sounds fine as long as you are willing to do 1/2 the washing, ironing, cooking and cleaning etc...

[November Rain]

Very good reply, MM. You're welcome to stay a while, if you like? Have a cuppa? BTW, the reason it smells nice is that we're discussing perfume with Robski!

Excellent post & looks like you & your lady have come to a very good, mutually beneficial arrangement, financially speaking. Seems very sensible to me...

[Boo]

Jersey, my husband & I have similar story, me main earner he makes 1/3 of my earnings. our hh expenses are also similar to yours but my hubby contributes 2/3rds of his salary to me & also sends 100gbp to his mum monthly. Now obviously he doesn't need any beauty products & his money is purely for ciggies, beer & ebay so I would think that 500 gbp per month would be quite generous for your wife & allow her to save for her own security too but fyi, in doing this I then pay all food & holiday costs

[Goldenage]

We live in Europe, married for 35 years. My husband gave me the money for general household expenses but nearly enough. We each paid for our own share of taxes, health insurance, car insurance, car and personal need etc. Travel and restaurant expenses paid by either one of us who wanted to go. We have our own separate bank account with both of us have an access. I paid for children's private school because it was my idea.

[alaina]

I don't think that anyone can generalize the Thai "new generation", Isarn included. The, "It's Thai culture", line can be brought out as an excuse nowadays as people have much more choice in how they deal with relationships. ( I'm not implying that this necessarily applies to the OP's case.)

A friend of mine from outside of Khon Khaen lived with her foreign boyfriend in her apartment and she paid most of the bills. She paid her way through university and isn't the type that expects to be supported. Long story short is that when they broke up, she sold the TV that he bought for the apartment and wired him the money. She said that she didn't want to owe him in her next life.

IMHO, it's important that she does contribute, but at the same time has enough money of her own saved to be able to not have to depend on you. It's important that in the event that things aren't working out in the relationship that she is financially able to move out. While that sounds pessimistic, it's better than her ever feeling that she has to stay because she can't afford not to. It's better if you know that someone is in a relationship because they want to be there, not because they have to be.

[pop_corn]

Sounds fine as long as you are willing to do 1/2 the washing, ironing, cooking and cleaning etc...

I love this comment! hahahahahahahahahaha....!

well, seems like nowdays marriage is a business.. thats scary!

[Jersey_UK]

IMHO, it's important that she does contribute, but at the same time has enough money of her own saved to be able to not have to depend on you. It's important that in the event that things aren't working out in the relationship that she is financially able to move out. While that sounds pessimistic, it's better than her ever feeling that she has to stay because she can't afford not to. It's better if you know that someone is in a relationship because they want to be there, not because they have to be.

Thanks for all responses, my gut feeling before I posted was that there would not be any hard and fast "Thai rules" when it came to this and that "up to you" is the way to go..............as touched on above, I do not want to keep her financially dependent on me, but helping her longterm may involve me being prepared to step up to the plate and intially make decisions for her that result in this at the outset.

As I said, we have discussed this and she is quite accepting of the concept of her contributing to "our family" (ok, only me and her!) which is no great surprise to me as I already know she does like to "contribute" in material ways, and gets a bit frustrated that she can not do more for "us" - usually completely discounting what she actually does do...........I don't think she will ever handle being a kept woman

The issue of her sending money to Thailand was also raised a while back (by me??!!), and initially she thought she would like to help out part of her family on a regular basis, I said that what she did with her money (after contributing) was up to her but if it meant long term that she was also expecting money from me on a regular basis simply because hers had gone to Thailand then it would probably break us up longterm...............especially given that she has no dependents in Thailand, no parents, no younger siblings and only older brothers who are either gainfully employed or well capable of being so. After a fair bit of time thinking and a family dispute, her attitude (to the part of the family she was going to help) is f#ck 'em . Obviously I am upset for her that she has fallen out with a bit of family, but a part of me is very happy that she has cut her financial baggage in Thailand..........

I also told her that if she wanted to go back to Thailand on holiday, it would be up to her to pay for her flights and spending money as I have no intention of ever going back once she is over here. if I want a holiday I will go somewhere else, hopefully with her. But she has had a good long think about this and at the moment she seems to feel that once here she really has no need or desire to go back to Thailand - we will see how that works in practice. (of course I said that if she wanted to move back to Thailand cos' she did not like Farangland I would pay her flights and also to set her back up in Thailand).

Anyway, i am drifting onto other stuff..............

[solo siam]

I must say It seems a bit weird that you won't ever accompany her on a visit home, or in fact EVER want to visit Thailand again. Is it such a horrible place? All my relatives come over whenever they can afford it, all sounds a bit strange to me.

[MiG16]

Ive read the replies and the OP's comments...but didnt reply earlier cos I really didnt know how exactly Id feel if this arrangement were proposed. (I have to go on individual basis here, but if you asked me what is the 'thai' way ...then yes a majority of costs would be paid by the husband...sure this comes from the background that previously women didnt earn...and even these days women mostly earn less than men. --- as an aside I know people whose wives have lots of money, yet the guy contributes to the household including all holiday and major item expenses...I suppose its the mentality of male take care of their women (old fashioned as it may be).

Anyhow....so lets come back to those with more modern and less traditional views (I hope I somewhat qualify to speak from this category) -- I earn might not be much, but have always been self-dependent and although have never lived with anyone..so no real example of contributing to household expense...Ive either bought the guy gifts in return for when they buy me dinners, or I occasionally pay. Mostly the guy pays I have to admit.

Now Im thinking under your scenario..if I were her how would I feel. And this is what I think:

I give up my life and move to an entirely new country, unfamiliar environment, no friends, husband is my only connection in the new country. Its a big move, lots of uncertainties, Id definitely feel very insecure. I will be working, which is a good thing, and with what I make Id be happy and infact want to contribute to some expenses, or gifts for my husband.

Now all that aside...I think the amount u are talking about its a bit unreasonable.

You say total expense is 1500, you will ask her to pay 500, thats 1/3rd of total. yes you will be paying 2/3rds, which may sound fair. but working it from the other side.....she will have spent 1/2 of her salary....while the 1000Pounds is much less than half of your salary I assume?

All these are pedantic and too calculative discussions that I wouldnt normally get into, until I read some of your other sentiments that was when I felt the entire deal would work out to be unfair.

You talk about a partnership, you want her to contribute to your little family, but you seem to totally ignore that her family may need to continue to involve her extended family in thailand. If as you say she is happy not to have much to do with them, thats fine, but to go so far as to say you will not even accompany her on visits back to her home country..I find to be inconsiderate.

a few other thoughts in my head...but I think Ive gone on for too long already. The bottom line is...I dont think its fair, and to say this is your way of making her realise value of money? You say she has always contributed, so to now say you dont think she should not have too much of her own earnings set aside as saving? Read back to my comment about insecurity and uncertainty....and think again if you really think its fair.

And if you want to know if this arrangement is un-Thai? my answer is it definitely is NOT Thai

no harsh intentions meant, just commenting based on the limited info I have. Im sure you mean well, and that will help smooth things out, but Im also trying to think if I were in her position and what issues I would want to take into account.

good luck

[DamianMavis]

I'm going to give a different perspective from the majority, yes you are bringing her to falangland.... but she is Asian. If you want to live by Falang rules get a falang wife. My woman is Japanese so obviously not the same as Thai however Asian culture is still very similar in that the roles men and women play are usually similar. Asia is very male dominated, but the dominant one is expected to pay most of the financial obligations. If I was you I would pay most of the bills and allow her to contribute a bit. Unless she starts making money close to or exceeding you, in that case than by all means start sharing the costs of living.

Truthfully to me though it matters not the amount my woman makes, her education and accomplishments and income vastly outshine mine... but I'm the boss and I pay for everything and thats exactly what she expects and the way she likes it. She's Asian, deep down she's traditional and even though she's designed and built over 100 buildings across the globe (among other impressive feats) she still cooks and cleans and expects me to pay for most of our day to day expenses. I wouldnt want it any other way, Im traditional too. (another word for sexist but in a nice way). If I wasn't like this she would have dumped me long ago.

Damian

[Mighty Mouse]

I also told her that if she wanted to go back to Thailand on holiday, it would be up to her to pay for her flights and spending money as I have no intention of ever going back once she is over here.

I hope you have a re-think on your stand. She is Thai and you have indicated to her that you are no longer interested in her home land, the very same land where you both met.

You fell in love with an Asian girl, you fell in love with her beauty, her personality, her demeanor...but a very big part of her is her culture, and her culture comes from her home land.

Thailand should be a very special place for her and if you wish to remain very special in her heart, you will need to recognise and embrace all those things that are part of her being.

It would be nice to visit other countries of the world too, but if she indicates that she would like to return to Thailand, rather than visit those other destinations, I'm suggesting it is your duty to accompany her. (finances permitting, of course.)

For couples to succeed in any relationship they need to grow together, socialise together and share things together. Your stance could be the start of doing things separately and that may be the beginning of the end.

Sorry for getting off the subject but I just had to try and correct what I see as a danger sign to a happy marriage.

[Jersey_UK]

Many thanks to all for taking the time to reply with some thought provoking stuff - I did attempt a response yesterday, but the internet gods ate it ............

Firstly, let me say that I do have a thick skin so am never offended by anything on the internet - all points of view taken as being constructive, no matter how bluntly expressed ............and my responses are meant in the same way.

The main thing that seems to have cropped up (and is a bit of a surprise to me) is my lack of interest in returning to Thailand..........probably due to my not having gone into too much (boring) detail about her family circumstances - or my many past times in Thailand.......basically I am all "Holidayed out" with Thailand......I do not speak the lingo, have nothing in common with her family - as far as I am concerned the only reason I still visit Thailand is to see the Missus (ok, when down their I see a few sights and also have a few beers, but nothing compared to "back in the day" - and no "etc" for a longggggggggg time.......yeah, I know their is more to Thailand than Temples & a few beers, but for me same and better true for elsewhere).

Ironically, if we get knocked back on the Settlement Visa then I may end up moving to Thailand permanently or semi permanently, hence my occassional few posts on the subject (albeit Thailand is 3rd choice for me) - but for me this would be ONLY because of the Missus - and hopefully not a 20 year thing (but I accept that if I was living / earning in Thailand (and therefore needed to finally learn the lingo that I may get to love the place, but hopefully not in the same crazy obsessional way that many of my fellow Farang appear to do).

At the moment the Missus has said she has no need to return to Thailand (I never told her she could not spend her holidays over there!).........and indeed she seemed quite surprised when she thought through what she would actually do when on "holiday" in Thailand.........in the past some of her siblings she has gone up to 8/9 years between talking to, others only a couple of years and all living in Bangkok, sometimes within a couple of miles of each other...........families, very often same Thailand same Farangland. Freinds? yeah she has some, but most of those are dead now. She knows a lot of people but is well aware of the unspoken boundaries of many freindships.

Having said the above, she does have an older brother she greatly respects, albeit is not "close close" to (20 year age gap, meets every few years.....or so ....which is partly down to him being part of the respectable family side which meant he worked hard and smart and despite no degree up to mid level uniformed govt job - no mean feat in Thailand - has also travelled workwise to US and EU, so is also not ignorant of what she is getting into) - anyway she is in recent times back in contact with him, and following our wedding and her telling of the plans to move to Farangland and I guess also seeking his advice / expressing some fears or doubts...........he basically told to her "leave Thailand and don't look back" family included / especially.

"Thailand a special place for her".....of course it is where she comes from and even if she wanted to "de Thai" herself she couldn't.......but she does have a realistic view of the place and what it has involved for her. When young everyone has hopes and dreams, but she is still bitter how Thailand turned out after the Coup before last (the one in the early 90's) she went out on the demos beleiving that things would change fundamentally for the better for all of society, rather than it being business as usual - just the names on the Gravy Train having changed. I never bother to vote...........and the only tanks I have ever seen are on the telly..........

She has long since known that I did not aim to end up living in Thailand, and she already known that I was primarily coming to Thailand to see her - so me telling her that once she was in Farangland that I had no desire or reason to return was no great surprise.........but to recant my last post a bit, it is not impossible that we do return together, if I ever thought it was that important for her / us - although I would prefer it to be enroute somewhere though, maybe back to NZ?

And I figure that even if she has no real people / family reasons to return maybe she will just want to visit to get decent food or relax without having to spend her live dealing with Farang 24/7, then so be it ..........I ain't against her doing so, just that I don't want me / us and her to spend our lives (time and money wise = a large chunk of future) revolving around a country half way around the world..........like some compulsive Farang Tourist, working just to finance time in Thailand. For me this seems quite reasonable. Whether she can live with this long term is the Million Dollar question. probably quite litterally. If it turns out that we can't actually live together in the same country then it probably will impact our marriage negatively..........but I genuinely believe she has a very good chance of "Making it" in Farangland (whatever that exactly turns out to be), if I thought she was not at least capable of being able to cope and adapt I would not have asked her to move as IMO it would just have been unfair to encourage her do something I knew she would not be capable of.

Regarding me "falling in love with an Asian girl" - of course she is Asian (and Thai), but I did not fall in love with her because she was Asian or Thai, I appreciate that it is part of what makes her her.....but by no means all. We both know that we have not come from the same background / culture and that this will present us with stuff to think about - because their are not always right answers.........I appreciate the comments about a Man taking a dominant role in certain scenarios within a marriage, and I quite understand the gist of it but I do want (and probably need) a wife who is quite capable of giving an opinion (ticked that box!) to enable us to reach a "mutual" decision..........whether it be solely hers or mine

Coming back to cold hard cash and charging her rent, obviously the figures were an easy but rough example - but despite the reservations expressed (and I don understand why) I will probably proceed as stated (ie she pays (half) of her monthly salary towards monthly expenses of £1500, I pay £1000 (percentage somewhat less than half ).........why? because I reckon it is easier to start high and work down than the other way around.........two things I did not mention is that she will easily be able to get a job within a month of arriving if she wants to (& given a bit of help from me) and secondly that I am already intending to put a couple of £K in her bank account when she arrives as she will need to set herself up (but I have not told her this yet!). After thinking through the posts here, I think I will probably tell her that after 3 months of her working (and us paying expenses together) we will sit down together and re-assess each others contribution based on what we can then see in practice...........we would no doubt have done this anyway in due course.

Writing this has been quite strange, brought up many things which I have not included - kinda putting things into perspective. After knowing each other over a period spanning maybe 8 years now which included a lot of "stuff" on both sides, we both would have laughed and been 1000000% shocked at the thought of us now being married and planning a future, let alone me sitting here thinking about house keeping

[DamianMavis]

Sounds good. Just to elaborate my point a bit and clear it up since you feel very similarly to the way I do. I gave a little background on my woman to demonstrate that she is completely capable of making the decisions and in fact covering all the bills HERSELF and I love and respect her for that. But as a traditional Asian woman she wants to live the womans role and expects me to live up to the strong male image (while at the same time continuing her life outside of me). And I feel the same way, but I wouldnt even be with her if she wasnt highly intelligent and successful and ambitious and most of all STRONG. If you're the dominant role in a relationship with someone weak... well whats the point? Anyway, just wanted to explain that I too need a woman that is capable of an opinion and all kinds of things beyond that, but my point and input was: even with all her strength and intelligence she still wants me to "be a man".

Damian

Edited July 13, 2007 by DamianMavis

[Jersey_UK]

Anyway, just wanted to explain that I too need a woman that is capable of an opinion and all kinds of things beyond that, but my point and input was: even with all her strength and intelligence she still wants me to "be a man".

Damian

Yeah, took your original post as meaning pretty much this.

I do recall explaining to my Missus that I wasn't expecting her to act as my maid 24/7 back in Farangland, if I had wanted a woman simply to do that I would have long ago married one of the maids / cleaners from my Hotel...........the funny thing was that at the time I was in her apartment lying on the bed watching TV, whilst she was cleaning and preparing lunch

But back in Farangland when it is "our" apartment, not sure how this will all roll in practice for me / us (Her = woman & me = man) - but <deleted>, I have a long list of things that I don't know how they will work out in practice

[RogerL]

Hi! This is actually Mrs. RogerL (RogerL made the mistake of giving me his password, even knowing how much I love internet forums).

We've been married 35 years and are both westerners (I hate using the F-word, I remember when it was considered impolite) who are planning to retire to Chiang Mai next year.

We both are graduate engineers and have enjoyed good incomes. I have known so many formerly-married professional women that I've learned there is no such thing as "his money" and "my money" in a marriage.

Family budgeting is no different than business budgeting. You have to consider all income sources and plan your expenses accordingly. Plan them jointly. Budget how much she can spend on her family. It's no different than budgeting how much you can spend on bar tabs, computers or any other hobby (non-incoming producting activity). Mr. RogerL and I have a budget for everything including how much we spend for pets and their care, travel, gardening, plus the necessary expenses of housing, food and insurance.

Within our family, the only ones who have tried "his, mine, ours" budgeting were my Dad and Stepmom. All that got blown out when my Dad needed nursing home care and the US/state govenment didn't care that they'd kept their income and expenses separate in deciding if my Dad would get free nursing home care. The only thing that mattered to the government was that his wife had a ton of assets that they felt she should contribute to my Dad's care, even though they'd been married just a couple of years.

[meemiathai]

Everything mine is hers. Everything hers is hers.

[Nienke]

Family budgeting is no different than business budgeting. You have to consider all income sources and plan your expenses accordingly. Plan them jointly. Budget how much she can spend on her family. It's no different than budgeting how much you can spend on bar tabs, computers or any other hobby (non-incoming producting activity). Mr. RogerL and I have a budget for everything including how much we spend for pets and their care, travel, gardening, plus the necessary expenses of housing, food and insurance.

Hmm, I really like this approach. Just never thought of it in that way

Nienke