For Any Ex Matelots Who Might Be Missing Life At Sea

[draggons]

You'll soon remember why you're a civvy.

Missing Royal Navy Life?

Heres how to recapture the atmosphere of the good old days and simulate living onboard ship once more!

Build a shelf in the top of your wardrobe and sleep on it inside a small sleeping bag.

Remove the wardrobe door and replace it with a curtain that’s too small.

Wash your underwear every night in a bucket then hang it over the water pipes to dry.

Four hours after you go to bed have your wife whip open the curtains, shine a torch in your eyes and say “sorry mate”

Renovate your bathroom; Build a wall across the centre of your bath and move the shower head to chest level. Store beer barrels in the shower enclosure.

When you shower remember to shout at the top of your voice “Water On” when turning the shower on and “Water Off” when turning the shower off.

Every time there is a thunderstorm, sit in a wobbly chair and rock as hard as you can until you feel sick.

Put oil instead of water into the dehumidifier then set it to high.

Don’t watch TV, except for movies in the middle of the night. For added realism, have your family vote for which movie they want to see, and then select a different one.

Leave a lawn mower running in your living room 24 hours a day to recreate the proper noise levels. (Mandatory for engineering branch)

Have the paper boy cut your hair.

Once-a-week blow compressed air up through your chimney. Ensure the wind carries soot over your neighbour’s house. When he complains, laugh at him.

Buy a rubbish compactor and use it once a week. Store the rubbish on the other side of your bathroom.

Wake up at midnight and make a sandwich out of anything you can find, preferably using stale bread, Optional: Cold soup or ravioli out of a can.

Devise menus for your family a week in advance without looking in the pantry or fridge.

Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night; when it goes off, leap out of bed, dress as quick as you can, then run into the garden and break out the garden hose and spray anything that looks like it could catch fire.

Once a month take every household appliance completely apart, and then reassemble.

Use four spoons of coffee per cup, and allow it to sit for three hours before drinking.

Invite 85 people you don’t like to come and stay for a month.

Install a small fluorescent light under your coffee table then lay underneath it and read books.

Raise the threshold and lower the top sills of all doors in the house. Now you will always bark your shins or hit your head when passing through them.

When baking cakes, prop up one side of the tin whilst its in the oven. When it has cooled spread icing very thickly on the low side to even it up again.

Every so often throw your cat in the bath and shout “Man Overboard!” then run into the kitchen and sweep all the pans and dishes on to the floor whilst yelling at your wife for not having secured for sea.

Put on the headphones for your stereo but do not plug them in. Go and stand in front of the dishwasher. Say to nobody in particular “Dishwasher manned and ready sir!” Stand there for three or four hours then say, again to nobody in particular, “Dishwasher secured!” Remove the headphones, roll up the cord and put them away.

Nickname your shoes “Steamies” and get your children to hide them around the house on a random basis.

Go out with a girl with Tourette’s syndrome, just to hear someone shout and scream at you for no apparent reason.

Go to the supermarket and buy nothing, but queue up anyway.

Get your kids to hide around a corner and when you walk by, to throw a bucket of water over you.

Whenever you order a short at the pub, tell the barman to have sippers.

Mix seven tins of different soup in a pan and eat it while looking around to see if anyone else is eating it.

Boil a teapot full of tea for 20 minutes then mix in two full tins of carnation cream and one tin of condensed milk, let it stand for 20 minutes and then drink it out of a dirty cup while eating a stale bun.

Slowly fry an egg for 25 minutes, place on a slice of cold greasy fried bread, eat it and wash it down with the above mentioned tea.

As you’re about to start eating your dinner, get someone to shout ‘starboard twenty five’ and then tip the table to 30 degrees so everything slides off.

Set the toaster so that it burns anything that is put in it.

Set up five tape recorders with recordings of five different people snoring, and play them all night

Take all the bedding off and dismantle the bed. Go out for a night on the town and return at two in the morning, then get your head down after making the bed.