Horses

[WillyL]

David Beckham decides to go horse riding. Although he has had no previous experience he skilfully mounts the horse and appears incomplete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace, Victoria admiringly watching her husband.

After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse round the neck shouting for it to stop.

Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the horse's neck.

David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups.

As the horse gallops along David's head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness. Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for help.

Hearing her screams, the Tesco Security Guard comes out of the store and unplugs the horse!

A horse was looking over a fence watching a game of cricket.

"Any chance of a game?" he asked the captain.

At first the captain was taken aback by the talking horse, but when it insisted it was keen to play the skipper thought it might be a bit of a laugh if he sent the horse out as opening bat.

The horse shaped up to the first ball and slammed it over the boundary for six. He did the same with the second and third, indeed every ball he hit for six until the over ended. He had been partnered by the captain, and when the bowler ran in from the other end and the captain managed his first hit for a meagre single he called for the horse to run. But the horse just stood there.

Frantic calls by the captain to run were ignored and in the confusion the skipper was stumped out. "Why didn't you run?" roared the captain.

"Listen mate," said the horse, "if I could run I would be at the racetrack today, not messing around with this cricket game

Mounting a horse is actually very easy if it is done properly.

A rider can only mount a horse from one side because a horse only likes to be mounted from one side.

The left side is right and the right side is wrong. You're right to be left and wrong to be right.

If you mount from the front, you mount from the right, which is then the left because your right is its left, and the left the right, keeping in mind that the left is right and the right is wrong.

Put your left to your right and step so your right is to the wrong and now your right is opposite its left and left the right.

To right right is to the left and to right is wrong is to the right, but backwards, the right is right and the left is wrong only when your right is on its wrong, and the left is on its right. Switching right to left and left to right is wrong.

Right is wrong and left is right only from the front or else the left is right and the right is wrong.

(Confused? Read again, real slowly).

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse.

The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, "ALLLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine".

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command.

The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the centre of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens-the horse crashes straight through the centre of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it" and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong.

The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me. It's this bloody horse. What is he - deaf or something?"

The trainer replies, "Deaf? DEAF? He's not deaf - he's BLIND!"