Take The Expat Test Here...

[DJ Pat]

To determine if any of you are average joe expats, I want you to answer these questions honestly:

1) You are shopping in Food Lion and at the checkout, the pretty assistant gives you a nice look with a beaming smile. Do you:

i) Assume she wants to rip my strides off

ii) Assume she is just being polite, that's her job

OR iii) Assume she's looking for a meal ticket to the west

2) You are strolling along Khao Sarn Road and get asked directions to a well known local hotel by three backpackers. Do you:

i) Direct them to the taxi rank and tell them to tell the taxi driver 'Koh Kret'

ii) Direct them to the shabbiest fleapit in the area (this may take some time as there are many)

OR iii) Direct them to the Hilton Hotel

3) After a night on the tiles you find that your mobile phone battery is flat and you are out of cash and stuck in Nonthaburi. Do you:

i) Stretch out with the soi dogs under the stars

ii) Get a taxi and do a runner

iii) Get a taxi and tell him to wait while you go to your room and get him the cash

4) You are trying to cross the road and are constanly touted by kerb crawling taxis who assume as farang you want a taxi. Do you:

i) Politely wave him on

ii) Try and zip across in front of the taxi

iii) Pull out a gun and shoot him between the eyes

5) You are queing at your local Tescos when a 50-something Thai man blatantly barges in front of you muttering "farang mun Thai mai chorp"

Do you:

i) Tell him to f*** off and jostle you way back in front of him

ii) Smile and ask "Sabai dee mai"

iii) Complain to the manager

6) You visit a hotel to meet a tourist mate and you notice a pervert escorting a clearly underage girl to his room. Do you:

i) Alert the authorities and police

ii) Accost him and exact violent justice

iii) Scream at the management for turning a blind eye

7) You are offered marajuania along Khao Sarn Road. Do you:

i) Laugh at the guy knowing he's an undercover cop

ii) Go round the corner with him and do a deal

iii) Ignore him

8) You overhear two sweaty scruffy guys talking about the boiler room they work in. Do you:

i) Make a mental note of their appearance and alert the authorities

ii) Join in with their conversation and laugh about the mugs they've ripped off

iii) It's not my business

9) You are at the Mall Bang Kapi and you see a peasant tumble into the Khlong San Saeb.Do you:

i) Strip off and dive in, saving his precious life much to cheers from onlookers

ii) Ignore it and hope he lives

iii) Watch as a boat slices through his torso, killing him instantly

10) Whilst watching the latest horror flick at your local Major, four young hi-so chaps won't stop talking, completely ruining your evening.Do you:

i) Turn round and ask them politely to continue their conversation after the credits

ii) Turn round angrily and tell them to "shut the <deleted> up"

iii) Offer all four of them out

Answers:

Mostly i : You are an expat

Mostly ii: You are an expat

Mostly iii: You are an expat

[The Gentleman Scamp]

I can't read all that Pat, not at 2 baht a minute, but what i'll do is go to the Sunshine Internet after work (If Ning let's me) cause there you can stay on for an hour and it's only 20 baht - it's fast too.

[DJ Pat]

I can't read all that Pat, not at 2 baht a minute

Sorry mate, I'll put your wages up to 3 Baht a minute then...

[Spee]

To determine if any of you are average joe expats, I want you to answer these questions honestly:

To determine if djp is down on average joe expats, please select from the following:

i) I think so

ii) I know so

iii) I'm abs-a-tively so (that's short for absolutely positively)

I don't get it djp? What's up with all that?

Life's too short to go through it angry. Am I right?

[DJ Pat]

To determine if djp is down on average joe expats, please select from the following:

i) I think so

ii) I know so

iii) I'm abs-a-tively so (that's short for absolutely positively)

I don't get it djp? What's up with all that?

Life's too short to go through it angry. Am I right?

Run that by me again, in english.

[stroll]

11) You notice DJ Pat has started yet another nonsense, quite funny, riddled with stereotypes topic. Do you:

i) Log off

ii) Send him an abusive pm

iii) Post another stupid comment of the same ilk

Results: You can't win.

[DJ Pat]

Post another stupid comment of the same ilk

That's about the most of it.....

[Gazza]

"8) You overhear two sweaty scruffy guys talking about the boiler room they work in."

I know a couple of guys who were/are working in a boiler room and are/were pulling in about 100,000 baht a month just from doing the telemarketing. They will probably only be sweaty and scruffy if they're now in the BKK Hilton.

[DJ Pat]

The Bangkok Hilton is now a Raffles Hotel right? Don't they have aircon?

[rod_kalashnikov]

 

[DJ Pat]

I think you need a bit of stress management Rod.

[rod_kalashnikov]

 

[stroll]

Now Rod got my tears rolling with laughter, wouldn't want to meet him though, not up for the lessons in stall for little chickenshits like myself.

[DJ Pat]

I get rid of all my stress while pretending to be an expat.

That can be quite stressful I agree.