Cross Cultural Relationships

[isabelle17]

So I wasn't sure where I should put this topic, but by no means is it limited to just the ladies!

So..I am in a relationship with a thai man (as many of these women on this forum are as well) and I was wondering how you deal with the cross cultural issues that pop up every now and then...

My main issue with my boyfriend is that he is very "Thai" in the sense that when a problem occurs...he always goes "mai pen lai." If we have an argument, we usually talk it over...but he still has a very typical thai attitude of mai pen lai. And me...being American, I am a little bit more hot tempered...and my family and I would just argue with each other until we are tired of arguing! That is the way we solved problems in my family back home!

I don't know if this topic has been posted or not...but I thought it would be interesting to discuss the cultural difference that we have with our thai/foreign partner and how we deal with it!

Edited May 23, 2008 by isabelle17

[jasreeve17]

It has only been posted a few thousand times - but then again so has every other topic, so not to worry.

Cross cultural instances occur all the time in any relationship anywhere.

Just last night I was watching an American film when one character kindly referred to another character as 'my little monkey'. The missus walked in the next second with some fruit for me and I kindly (but thoughtlessly, stupidly and without doubt inviting the storm) answered 'thank you little monkey'. At this point she gave me a good beating and informed me not to call her little monkey...

[bonobo]

I wrote a series of articles on cross-cultural relationships for a magazine in the 1990's, but the points are still valid, in my opinion. Relationships are hard enough between men and women from teh same culture, much less throwing in cultural differences. While a cross-cultural relationship can offer excitment and metnal stimulation, there are certainly drawbacks, and not everyone can handle such a relationship.

I think the two most important aspects to making such a relationship work are being open-minded and acceptance. You have to be open-minded about religion, customs, cultural norms, and such. But more than being open-minded and simply understanding those differences, you have to accept those. Not accepting as you will adopt them yourself, but in that you accept them in your partner.

The "up-to-you" and "mai pen rai" drive me up the wall sometimes as I like a woman with her own personality and fortitude. But if I am in a relationship with a Thai woman, I just have to accept that in the beginning and take that as part of the entire package. If you do that, then you tend not to get as frustrated when these things crop up.

If your Thai friend is a good guy, and ther are things you like about him (as is certainly the case), then focus on those things, and when he "mai pen rai's" you, just accept it and let it go at that. Don't obsess or dwell on it, just accept it and know you are not going to change it.

Edited May 23, 2008 by bonobo

[mssabai]

Ah, the "up to you" is one that drives me a little mad. Luckily with my bloke mai pen lai is more often what I say as he is pretty hot tempered. But "up to you" I find infuriating. This is actually an issue I had with my ex (western bf). I used to assume that it was because he was too lazy to think of anything so I had to do it for him. When the current started doing it to me, I had the same attitude. But then recently he asked me what I wante dto do on my day off and I said I didn't know, so he promptly went out with his friends! This resulted in me getting a little mad, but we had a conversation about it after and he said that he gets hurt when I just throw the question back at him and that's why he did what he wanted to do instead. I glean from this that he actually does it so that I am happy and that he truly doesn't mind what he does/eats/drinks etc as long as I am happy. I now try to be a lot more helpful when he asks it and actually say what I want to do.

[LaoPo]

And me...being American, I am a little bit more hot tempered...and my family and I would just argue with each other until we are tired of arguing! That is the way we solved problems in my family back home!

That's not solving problems...

...as you said yourself, it's arguing until everyone is tired. The problem is still there but hidden behind a wall of arguments from all sides.

You and your family just accept such situations from each other, but solving problems is something completely different.

Solving and talking about problems is listening to each other and accepting that you could be wrong... and apologize to the other.

LaoPo

[Amyji]

I have to agree with LaoPo. My Thai husband and I rarely argue or have disagreements. If there is an issue that needs to be discussed, we do so openly and we each LISTEN with ears and hearts to one another. I genuinely want to know how he would like to solve the problem and in a non-confrontational manner, I present my case. For example, his terms of disciplining our son is different than how I would do it and sometimes I don't like what he does, but I let him do it his way. I discipline my way and together we get a well-rounded child. We could argue endlessly about who is right in child rearing philosophies, but we compromise and meet somewhere in the middle.

Men generally tend not to open up the way women do and they wish a problem would disappear (hence Mai Bpen Rai or Up To You) if they cannot directly do something about it. Your guy wants you to be happy in the end anyway and sometimes that attitude can come off as cavalier.

Bottom line is as LaoPo suggested: Listen to him. Don't get on the defensive for your argument, no matter how right you know you are because your ears and heart will close. He might just make a point that you had not considered before.

[sbk]

Yeah, I have to agree with Lao Po on this one as well. Sure I get angry at my husband and yell at him from time to time, and vice versa. But if it really is an issue that needs to be resolved I wait until I am calmed down and talk to him about it in a rational, non angry manner. He listens better, he does not feel defensive and I have ordered my thoughts and my argument in a way that makes it easier for me to explain what my problem really is.

[isabelle17]

And me...being American, I am a little bit more hot tempered...and my family and I would just argue with each other until we are tired of arguing! That is the way we solved problems in my family back home!

That's not solving problems...

...as you said yourself, it's arguing until everyone is tired. The problem is still there but hidden behind a wall of arguments from all sides.

You and your family just accept such situations from each other, but solving problems is something completely different.

Solving and talking about problems is listening to each other and accepting that you could be wrong... and apologize to the other.

LaoPo

Oh, I know that my familys way of dealing with issues is not good...I'm not saying that I want it to be like that! I was just saying what used to happen in my family. And I am accepting of his attitude, etc. He's just SUCH an easy going person, and I get stressed out easier than he does. I guess it's nice...because in a way we balance each other out. I have had to learn to relax more and he has had to learn that sometimes you have to talk to your partner instead of ignoring that there is a problem (which he used to do a lot more...now not so much.)