Dear Redneck Son

[Chris Lawrence]

DEAR REDNECK SON,

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in

the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from home,

so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the

last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they

moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure

it works so well though. Last week I put a load in and pulled the chain

and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week, the first

time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it

would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut

them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because

it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet

so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your

brother.

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out,

but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he

burned for three days.

Three of your friends ran off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving.

He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in

back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom

P. S. I was going to send you some money, but the envelope was already sealed.