Right Speech - It Can Change Your Life!

[camerata]

I wonder how many of us are actively practising Right Speech and consider it important? Generally, Buddhist forums are pretty friendly places but on most of them there are quite a few members who'll routinely ignore it and especially when their buttons are pushed or their views challenged. Presumably, some Buddhists either consider Right Speech unimportant or are unable to practise it.

My early experience was this. When I first got interested in the Dhamma I wanted to take the Buddha up on his word and test his teachings. It was pretty obvious that the significant benefits of meditation could take years to appear so I was looking for a much quicker proof. I decided on Right Speech because it seemed to offer a quick result. I figured if I was nicer to people for, say, 3 months that they should start being nicer to me.

At the office that seemed to happen. I already knew I was far too critical and outspoken for the Thai working environment and that I needed to do something about it. One woman in my company hadn't spoken to me for several years because I had sent her a couple of harsh emails. I managed to resolve that situation after initiating a conversation with her one day. Some other colleagues who had been a bit defensive around me gradually loosened up too. It wasn't universal but there was a definite improvement. And I started feeling good about what I was doing.

Online was a slightly different situation. In theory it should be easy to be nice online because we are anonymous and it shouldn't matter what people say about us. Also, we have time to think before we reply to comments. But it doesn't work that way! The ego is exactly the same even via proxy, when no one knows who we really are. The difficulty online is people tend to argue a lot more and it's easy to get lured into harsh or critical speech.

After about 3 months I found I got much more than I expected. I found that as I considered the reason for much of what I wrote or said, all too often my intention was to make someone else look inferior and therefore to make myself feel superior. Sarcasm, criticism, jokes at others' expense, exaggeration, white lies, smart-ass remarks - it's all the ego giving itself a boost, trying to validate its own existence.

I was fortunate that around this time I found Ajahn Sumedho's book, The Mind and the Way, which explained very clearly that the Dhamma leads to freedom, and specifically to freedom from the tyranny of the ego. From then on I knew Dhamma was the path for me - I wasn't going to be a slave anymore. Seeing through my ego was like seeing a me that I knew was there but had always been partially hidden.

So I don't know why so many Buddhists - at least Buddhists online - don't bother with Right Speech. If we look at the "10 courses of unwholesome kamma" often mentioned in the Pali Canon - Destroying life, Taking what is not given, Wrong conduct in regard to sense pleasures, False speech, Slanderous speech, Harsh speech, Idle chatter, Covetousness, Ill will, and Wrong view - four of them relate to speech.

It's a no-brainer that slander and harsh speech (which includes sarcasm) are going to cause problems and inflate the ego. And I would include any criticism other than truly constructive criticism made with no intention of self-satisfaction. False speech is generally to gain some advantage or other for oneself. The exception seems to be that it's sometimes necessary not to blurt out the truth if it will cause suffering to others. Idle chatter is a tough one for lay people trying to lead a fairly normal life. I try to avoid talk on subjects other than those that may help me or others in living a meaningful life. I never read fiction unless it is directly educational. I don't watch reality TV, game shows, soaps or other garbage TV but I do watch some quality movies and TV series mainly for pleasure.

What's the downside of Right Speech? Well, people tend to think you are overly serious, unsociable and no fun. But I guess it depends on who your friends are.

[rockyysdt]

I definitely support you on Right Speech.

This is something I aspire to as well.

My problem is "auto response". Particularly in a heated or tense situation when I reverty back to habits.

I was hoping through regular deep meditation, I'll become more relaxed in day to day life, and the result will be mindful reaction and reply rather than auto response.

My experience also examines being too nice. Those of us who have low self esteem pander to their ego by being constantly nice to others in order to be loved or recognised.

It's a tight balancing act.

Either way our ego bobs up.

[camerata]

My problem is "auto response". Particularly in a heated or tense situation when I reverty back to habits.

It's definitely much harder in face-to-face situations. If someone is trying to needle me I beat the auto-response by smiling and keeping quiet. That works in Thailand although it might not elsewhere.