Good Doggie

[mbkudu]

When your dog licks a visitor and they say, "Oh, he's very affectionate," ask them, "Did you notice what he was doing prior to coming over and licking your face?" "No. Well, yes! I think he was cleaning himself. He's a very clean dog."

"Well, his balls and @$$hole are very clean. In fact, he has a perfectly clean five-inch circle around his balls and @$$hole. His tongue, lips, and nose, however, are filthy with old dog sh!t and fermented ball sweat. Why do you think we taught him

to shake hands?" George Carlin, 'Brain Droppings'

[dr_Pat_Pong]

When your dog licks a visitor and they say, "Oh, he's very affectionate," ask them, "Did you notice what he was doing prior to coming over and licking your face?" "No. Well, yes! I think he was cleaning himself. He's a very clean dog."

"Well, his balls and @$$hole are very clean. In fact, he has a perfectly clean five-inch circle around his balls and @$$hole. His tongue, lips, and nose, however, are filthy with old dog sh!t and fermented ball sweat. Why do you think we taught him

to shake hands?" George Carlin, 'Brain Droppings'

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

[mbkudu]

Ah, DPP,

I guess you have to be American to understand George's brand of humor. Oh well.

[dr_Pat_Pong]

Ah, DPP,

I guess you have to be American to understand George's brand of humor. Oh well.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I get a lot of it inthe USA and strangely enough, understand it ( mostly )

[alvino]

Ah, DPP,

I guess you have to be American to understand George's brand of humor. Oh well.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I get a lot of it inthe USA and strangely enough, understand it ( mostly )

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Yes, I agree that reading this is not funny. In order to appreciate George's humor one has to see his delivery. The beaty is in his facial expressions, timing and the context in which it is being presented.

I happen to be a George Carlin fan and enjoy him live or on TV.

Here are some of his more memorable quotes without the benefit of watching his delivery:

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

11. Is there another word for synonym?

12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

24. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

25. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

26. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

27. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

28. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

29. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

30. How is it possible to have a civil war?

31. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

32. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

33. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

34. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

35. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

36. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

37. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

38. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

39. Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?

40. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole ###### airplane made out of that stuff?

41. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

[toastwars]

There's a bloke sat on a train reading his paper, as

the train stops at each station more and more people

get on. At the next station a very 'large' lady boards

the train and sits down in the elderley and disabled

seats located near the doors. At the station after

that more people get on including an old man & his

equally elderly wife, by now there are no seats but

the fat lady just stays sat down.

"Excuse Me" says the man reading his paper to the fat

lady, "Those there seats are for elderly and disabled

passengers, not fat people, you'll have to move"

"I was here first" protests the fat lady

"I don't care, it says you must vacate the seats for

elderly or disabled passengers, and your neither...

just large" answers the man

"Your just a biggot" says the big lady relunctently

moving for the old couple "Infact what you are is

'fattist'"

"Oh no I'm not, I think you'll find your the fattest"

replys the man reading his paper

Booom booom!!! ey

[toastwars]

By the way alvino my friend 80% of george Carlins qutes that you list are stolen from Steven Wright a good american comic

[dr_Pat_Pong]

By the way alvino my friend 80% of george Carlins qutes that you list are stolen from Steven Wright a good american comic

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I loved 'em anyway. More importantly, I understood 'em. We antipodeans have problems coz we have to stand on our hands in our upside down land

[mbkudu]

Thank you gentlemen for this serious analytical review of George Carlin's literary

works. It is refreshing to know that there are other cultured and sophisticated gentlemen like myself who enjoy perusing his fine contributions to the world of humor.

[mbkudu]

By the way alvino my friend 80% of george Carlins qutes that you list are stolen from Steven Wright a good american comic

I loved 'em anyway. More importantly, I understood 'em. We antipodeans have problems coz we have to stand on our hands in our upside down land

Do you gents down there flush the toilet upside down as well? Which way does the

sh!te swirl; counterclockwise or clockwise?

[dr_Pat_Pong]

By the way alvino my friend 80% of george Carlins qutes that you list are stolen from Steven Wright a good american comic

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I loved 'em anyway. More importantly, I understood 'em. We antipodeans have problems coz we have to stand on our hands in our upside down land

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Do you gents down there flush the toilet upside down as well? Which way does the

sh!te swirl; counterclockwise or clockwise?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Everything is upside down, thus the toilet doesn't swirl coz the water falls out. Had Sir Thomas Crapper come to Australia he would have designed an antipodean model.

[alvino]

By the way alvino my friend 80% of george Carlins qutes that you list are stolen from Steven Wright a good american comic

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I loved 'em anyway. More importantly, I understood 'em. We antipodeans have problems coz we have to stand on our hands in our upside down land

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Do you gents down there flush the toilet upside down as well? Which way does the

sh!te swirl; counterclockwise or clockwise?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

While we're on the subject, are you all participants in the courtesy flush program?

In my office it is manditory.

Remember, timing is everything when flushing.

Flush too early or too late and the next visitor may just report you to the human resource manager for air polution.