Extended Thai Family

[sergio403]

I would like to know what the general practice or custom is for extended family .

I plan on getting married to a Thaii Lady ,which has a couple of younger children. I have no problem in supporting her ,her mother, and the children.

What is the rule on the rest of her family she has 5 brother's and 2 sister's and her mother is seperated or divorced.

Am I expected to support them all ? Her five brother's are all healthy and are all over the age of twenty and except for two of them they all live close to Bangkok.

When we go shopping she expect me to pay the grocery bills for the children that belong to her brother"s and stay with her at her mother's house

I am sure you are aware that Thai family leave there children at Mother;s Place .

What would be my proper position. All comments from someone that is in a simaliar situation or can advise what would be best Thanks

[mgjackson69]

It really is "up to you".

If you ask your wife, she will tell you "pay for all". Thus she is doing her duty to Mom and family by taking care, plus she gets the "good feel" by doing so, as well as getting to show off a bit.

*You* need to set the rules as far as what you are willing to do, knowing that doing so may cause problems with your wife.

My situation: I will help Mom out a bit, and other family members on an "as needed" basis, that being determined by me.

At first my wife thought it was good to give her late-teens/early 20's nephews 100 THB here and there, as far as I am concerned it is strictly for show on her part, to be a "big shot". That crap ended as soon as she asked me for money for something extraneous that she wanted to buy...my response was, "You must not need any money, since I saw you give away nnn baht today."

Nobody is going to go hungry on my watch, but I do not feel any obligation to provide "holiday".

[OlRedEyes]

Sounds like quicksand to me, but nevertheless, the 'rule' should be what you make it, else you're toast.

[h90]

I would like to know what the general practice or custom is for extended family .

I plan on getting married to a Thaii Lady ,which has a couple of younger children. I have no problem in supporting her ,her mother, and the children.

What is the rule on the rest of her family she has 5 brother's and 2 sister's and her mother is seperated or divorced.

Am I expected to support them all ? Her five brother's are all healthy and are all over the age of twenty and except for two of them they all live close to Bangkok.

When we go shopping she expect me to pay the grocery bills for the children that belong to her brother"s and stay with her at her mother's house

I am sure you are aware that Thai family leave there children at Mother;s Place .

What would be my proper position. All comments from someone that is in a simaliar situation or can advise what would be best Thanks

They expect you pay everything and they don't need to work for the rest of your life.

Don't marry till it is clear that you are not an ATM or you'll be the ATM for ever.

[teacup]

Set the rule and/or the amount you feel comfortable with + some fexibility here and there for emergency, then tell your wife of your wish, then let her deal with her thai family side from that.

This is how I handle my thai side

[Heng]

In general, plenty of exceptions of course, local marry folks of similar economic background (and yes, believe it or not, that whatever your net worth, you'll be able to find your equal here), so there's not really much risk of anyone having to support someone else's entire family. That (when dating) would probably be the best starting point for anyone not yet in a relationship.

Edited September 4, 2008 by Heng

[Neeranam]

What is the rule on the rest of her family she has 5 brother's and 2 sister's and her mother is seperated or divorced.

There is no rule unless you're new to the country and an idiot whence they'll take advantage of you. Don't be so bloody stupid - why on earth would you support 5 brothers and 2 sisters? Don't you have any self-respect? They'll be laughing at you and so will the rest of the supermarket when they see you and the trail of kids and scavengers. Edited September 4, 2008 by Neeranam

[Maizefarmer]

I would like to know what the general practice or custom is for extended family .

I plan on getting married to a Thaii Lady ,which has a couple of younger children. I have no problem in supporting her ,her mother, and the children.

What is the rule on the rest of her family she has 5 brother's and 2 sister's and her mother is seperated or divorced.

Am I expected to support them all ? Her five brother's are all healthy and are all over the age of twenty and except for two of them they all live close to Bangkok.

When we go shopping she expect me to pay the grocery bills for the children that belong to her brother"s and stay with her at her mother's house

I am sure you are aware that Thai family leave there children at Mother;s Place .

What would be my proper position. All comments from someone that is in a simaliar situation or can advise what would be best Thanks

Its your job to be supportive in times of need - when and if the parents need your help, but the idea that once married her parents-in-law can now rely on you as a matter of course is no more true in Thai culture than it is in Western culture. Liken your obligation to your Thai parents-in-law to that you have towards your own parents. It is very similar.

As for brothers and sisters - send them on their way to earn their own living. You have no financial obligation towards them.

Edited September 4, 2008 by Maizefarmer

[meom]

When we go shopping....

You're not supposed to go shopping . Best to let her handle the shopping while you have a few cold ones in the pub.

Maybe easier to give her a budget to run the household including her own private needs and family.

[jubby]

I can see why you would have to provide for the wifes Kids and maybe the wifes parents if they can't provide for themselves. Thats it.

We give the wifes parents a small allowance in return they look after some land we have. I think its mutually benefitial.

One of the wifes brothers is also pratically dependant. He doesn't like to work for me, can't work for anyone else due to his drinking problems , so he helps me indirectly by helping the mother-in-law, rather than me. This is probably more benefitial to me as he doesn't get paid but he just doesn't get it. ;-)

I've just began to employ her other brother to help out , general labouring and gardening. I need him because its becoming increasingly difficult to find people to do the odd Job.

They would struggle without me, I would struggle without them.

There are problems from time to time, but I feel they and I have 'some self worth & Self respect' this way.

Would you consider supporting your wifes brothers if she was from your country ? I think not.

[torrenova]

What is the rule on the rest of her family she has 5 brother's and 2 sister's and her mother is seperated or divorced.

There is no rule unless you're new to the country and an idiot whence they'll take advantage of you. Don't be so bloody stupid - why on earth would you support 5 brothers and 2 sisters? Don't you have any self-respect? They'll be laughing at you and so will the rest of the supermarket when they see you and the trail of kids and scavengers.

Absolutely spot on.

Guys come here, get some chick who makes them feel like a million dollars and they lose the plot. Then they go native telling people it is normal to save their "face". Utter <deleted>.

The times I've seen the lazy buggers stop work to live on handouts at every opportunity still amazes me.

Sod all I pay. Sister lives with a western guy and bleeds him dry as he's not clued up. Papa has gone to the great whisky shop in the sky, mama has a guy in her life who built her a new house and the lazy son can bugger off as far as I am concerned. It has always been that way and it will not change.

Now with a previous GF in less fortunate circumstances we did help but not to a daft level.

Just think, did these people manage to stay alive before ? well, think about that.

Guys have to stop thinking with their small heads and start thinking with their big head. The "winner" in these relationships is almost certainly the Thai girl and her family so the guy should stop thinking he has won the lottery or is the luckiest guy in the world. He just gained another annuity to pay out, how much is up to how daft he is.

[stephaniee]

either you support all or support none. if you pick and choose you better sleep with your eyes open.

[stephaniee]

What is the rule on the rest of her family she has 5 brother's and 2 sister's and her mother is seperated or divorced.

There is no rule unless you're new to the country and an idiot whence they'll take advantage of you. Don't be so bloody stupid - why on earth would you support 5 brothers and 2 sisters? Don't you have any self-respect? They'll be laughing at you and so will the rest of the supermarket when they see you and the trail of kids and scavengers.

im already laughing at this guys situation. i dont think a thai guy would go for a girl like this, why do farangs find these so desireable?

[mgjackson69]

When my wife wants to send money to Mom, I ask, "What does Mom need?" Usually Mom does not ask for anything, my wife wants to do to "take care". If a reasonable answer is not forthcoming, end of discussion.

I also bring up the fact that she (my wife) is #9 of 11 children, all are still around and working...it is not all up to she and me to take care of everything.

[meandwi]

Before we got married, I gave her an allowance of 40,000 baht per month for a year to do as she wished. During this time I was asked for a very large sin sod from her family, to be paid in crisp new bills for the ceremony. I also gave her a very large allowance for the wedding and gifts.

When I arrived a few weeks early for the wedding, I found out she saved all the money I had been sending as an allowance. She had spent a fraction of the amount for the wedding. Even designed and made everyones costumes herself. The wedding was over the top, to say the least. After the wedding, the family returned the entire sin sod back to us. We also recieved gifts too beautiful to mention from her family and a box full of 100 baht bills from the guests.

They are my family and I am their new step-son. Loved as one of their own. I will not hesitate to help anyone of them. The cost is never discussed, It is just provided.

My wife told me, "If you had not been so nice and charitable, They would not have allowed the marriage".

My advice, don't be stingy, If you love her/them. Treat them like you would your own family. You may be surprised at what you get in return.

meandwi

[thaihome]

The answer really depends on your wife and how she reacts to family pressure and her ability to say no. A sure death knell to a relationship is one that has a constant underlying tension over money for the family. Puts the wife in an untenable situation, especially if the husband is being an asshol_e about it.

One way to handle this to put the emphasis on education for the children and try to break the poverty cycle. We have supported my wife’s sister and her son for over 8 years now. He just graduated from an upcountry technical college and now has a job paying some 15k a month. He is now helping out with his mom and is an inspiration for the other younger kids that it is possible to get out of the village if you stay in school and work at it. We make sure they don’t have to quit because of money.

TH

[Cuban]

Am I expected to support them all ? Her five brother's are all healthy and are all over the age of twenty and except for two of them they all live close to Bangkok.

Assuming they were not begging for food before you arrived on the scene, you may assume that they work. If they assume that now you are here they no longer have to work you will have a problem for the rest of your relationship - should you not wish to support everyone.

Early days of a relationship are a testing time for both sides, and as the post above indicates not everyone is he same. I know who within the 'family' will approach me (via wife) for money, and those that don't but do benifit from a little help from time to time get it without needing to ask.

One thing that I suggest you do is draw up a family tree of who's who in the zoo. Really helps remember their relationships and understand each profile. When I did this it clicked into place why X was as they were compared to their sister Y who was so different.

HTH

[Spee]

What would be my proper position. All comments from someone that is in a simaliar situation or can advise what would be best Thanks

From personal experience, I support my girl, her daughter and her mother. Her two brothers are welcome to stay at the house when they need to, which I don't have an issue with because the house is big enough to accommodate them or other guests.

She and I worked together to put one of her brothers through university, although now that he has graduated, he is expected to go out and support himself (as well as kick back some money to her for her earlier support). I know that my girl also uses some money to care for her grandmother, but it isn't much and I certainly don't mind that at all.

My belief is that if you are going to commit, then you commit all the way, just as you would with any other woman of another culture. By committing, I mean that in terms of the Thai way. The family daughters are expected to support. By joining with a daughter, you become part of that support network. That doesn't mean you should feel obligated to support a large extended family, or become the village ATM.

So along with the commitment, keep your perspective. My girl has no concept of money management or a weekly or monthly budget. It is something that I have to continually work with her on, to try to throttle and control spending. I'm not trying to generalize or imply that all are like her, but it is something you may need to keep an eye on in your situation.

I guess what I'm saying is that one shouldn't make a "half-assed" commitment. Either commit or don't commit, as long as you know why you decide what you decide. You gotta do what you gotta do. At the end of the day, you are the only one who has to look yourself in the mirror and live with your choices.

Hope this helps.

[Heng]

It's easy to make these calls from afar, but when these guys are in the trenches, more often than not their will is broken.

[Mosha]

Maybe a bit kheeniao but this is my rules.

Mum in law. I will help if I know she is the sole recipient. The wife's step father and half brother would waste the money on drink and women.

My wifes daughters, one of whom is married and the husband works buying rubber, the other has a well paid job. Any money is a loan, no time limit, but it is a loan.

Other than that the family trees is so complicated to be untrue. Her real dad had kids by 4 different women, including his first wife's sister. His first wife being my mother in law.

[way2muchcoffee]

I am handling things in a similar way as posters above.

Mother has passed away and father bailed when wife was a child. He gets nothing.

Grandmother horrifically abused wife during childhood. I would give nothing, except that the wife is duty bound. She gets about 2,000 per month on average.

Uncles, aunts, cousins get nothing regularly, but in times of serious emergency (sick child etc.) can turn to us for help. Usually we try to loan the money. Often it is repaid, but just as often not. I try not to sweat the small stuff.

Sister has a toddler, lives with the father of the child. He works, but pitiful salaries mean that he can barely support them. They need assistance in small amounts regularly. I am working on a plan to help the sister start up a small food cart so they can be more self sufficient. We have also discussed helping the husband set up a small shop so that he doesn't have to move the family around all the time - he is an itinerant construction worker.

Brother, same mom but different father, is a bit of a mess. He's young and needs guidance. I am trying to represent a positive male role model for him. He is living with us at the moment, but is working 12 hours per day, six days per week to help make ends meet. His salary doesn't equal our expenditures for him, but he is trying. He recently enlisted in the army and will be called up to report sometime in the next 6 months. When he does he'll make a starting monthly salary of 7,500 and the army will send him to school to finish high school. Hopefully he'll learn some better discipline and responsibility through the experience. He's welcome to stay here as long as he's working and contributing until he gets called up for the army.

The wife is bad with money, largely due to an inability to perform simple math sums. She gets a daily allowance, or sometimes an allowance to last a few days. She handles the bills at the end of the month.

[Wrong Turn]

I would like to know what the general practice or custom is for extended family .

I plan on getting married to a Thaii Lady ,which has a couple of younger children. I have no problem in supporting her ,her mother, and the children.

What is the rule on the rest of her family she has 5 brother's and 2 sister's and her mother is seperated or divorced.

Am I expected to support them all ? Her five brother's are all healthy and are all over the age of twenty and except for two of them they all live close to Bangkok.

When we go shopping she expect me to pay the grocery bills for the children that belong to her brother"s and stay with her at her mother's house

I am sure you are aware that Thai family leave there children at Mother;s Place .

What would be my proper position. All comments from someone that is in a simaliar situation or can advise what would be best Thanks

It's OK to discuss this with your fiancee and wife to be. It actually should be done. Often, Farangs and Twifes have different expectations when it comes to extended family.

I say, discuss it.

[GarryP]

Circumstances vary from person to person, but in general there is some very good advice on this thread. I'm just lucky. The missus started out trying to help a few of her brothers and sisters, there are 10 in all, and after a while they began to feel they could drop in on us anytime for 500 hundred upwards. The wife soon put the brakes on that. None of her brothers or sisters get a cent from us now, except in the case of emergencies. They are all grown up with four of them in reasonably good occupations and enough money to buy their own homes. The others are just wasters who believe they are entitled to something without expending any effort. They still try to put the touch on us despite not getting anything for years. The mother and father passed away a long time ago so we don't need to help there, although if the mother were still alive I am sure we would help out as she'd be 70 or so with no income. In fact the begining of the end was when the mother passed away. She was the glue that was keeping the family together.

[stephaniee]

The wife is bad with money, largely due to an inability to perform simple math sums.

this makes me want to cry!

[way2muchcoffee]

The wife is bad with money, largely due to an inability to perform simple math sums.

this makes me want to cry!

Me too - I'm a math and physics teacher. I tried teaching my wife, but we quickly learned that it's bad for our relationship!

Edited September 5, 2008 by way2muchcoffee

[stephaniee]

The wife is bad with money, largely due to an inability to perform simple math sums.

this makes me want to cry!

Me too - I'm a math and physics teacher. I tried teaching my wife - but we quickly learned that doing that is bad for our relationship!

a teacher marries a girl who cant do simple math. now i am crying! im assuming teachers understand the value of education.

[Tod Daniels]

I concur that the issue needs to be addressed FIRST, and that you not wait until after the marriage to deal with it.

If the siblings are healthy, of working age, there's no reason they shouldn't work to support themselves, instead of "sponge off the foreign ATM", aka; foreign brother in law.

Emergencies are one thing and should be dealt with on a case by case basis. Unfortunately; poor financial planning, frivolous spending or plain laziness would not constitute an emergency in my book, (your book may vary).

It is quite common for children to be cared for by a grandmother, and small stipends are often given for this reason.

Make sure your wife to be understands completely the limits (if any), the rules and will live within what you've previously agreed upon. It is an area that is fraught with peril in foreign/thai marriages, and there is NO downside to addressing it early in the relationship.

There is good advice from many posters in this thread, but remember the WORST 'vice' is advice, (mine included).

[stephaniee]

give the thais a break. if you marry people from poverty surely you cant expect them to be good with money!

just give and be happy!

[way2muchcoffee]

The wife is bad with money, largely due to an inability to perform simple math sums.

this makes me want to cry!

Me too - I'm a math and physics teacher. I tried teaching my wife - but we quickly learned that doing that is bad for our relationship!

a teacher marries a girl who cant do simple math. now i am crying! im assuming teachers understand the value of education.

Low blow. Perhaps you might try having a little empathy, or at least sympathy. Some people actually grew up in circumstances where they had no control as to the level of education they received. This in no way means they are stupid. Of course I understand the value of education, which is why my wife, during the years we have been together has achieved a level of education higher than anyone in the history of her family. Yet, sadly, she still cannot do sums.

[GarryP]

Dyscalculia? My son is great in most subjects but hopeless when it comes to maths.