Guide To Weight Loss During Sex!

ACTIVITY CALORIES BURNED

REMOVING CLOTHES..

With partners' consent 12

Without partners' consent 187

UNHOOKING BRA..

Using two calm hands 7

Using one trembling hand 96

GETTING INTO BED..

Lifting partner 15

Dragging partner along floor 16

Using skateboard 3

ACHIEVING ERECTION..

For a normal healthy man 2.5

For a normal healthy woman 549

Losing erection 0.5

Searching for it 115

PUTTING ON RUBBER..

With erection 1.5

Without erection 300

INSERTING DIAPHRAGM..

If the woman who does it is:

Experienced 6

Inexperienced 72

If a man does it, regardless of experience 680

(add 5 calories for retrieving it from across the room!)

With womans consent 50

Without womans consent 300

INSERTION..

If woman is ready 0.5

If man is not 274

ORGASM..

Real 27

Faked 160

POSSIBLE SIDE-EFFECTS..

Bouncing 7

Sliding around 9

Serious skidding 12

Whiplash 27

ORGASM INTENSITY SCALE..

Shoes flew off 35

Expression didn't change 0.5

Orchestra played 6

Birds sang:

Large birds 7

Small birds 3

Earth moved 30

Contact lenses bounced off ceiling 50

PULLING OUT..

After orgasm 0.5

Just before orgasm 500

PENIS ENVY..

For woman 3

For man 72

AGGRAVATION FACTORS..

Partner keeps showing you his/her plants 5

Partner insists on cuddling dog/cat 14

Partner is taking phone calls 7

Partner is making phone calls 40

GETTING CAUGHT..

By partners' spouse 60

By your spouse 60.5

Trying to explain 165

Trying to remain calm 100

Leaping out of bed 25

Getting dressed in one large motion 300

Thanking partner quickly 2

POSITIONS ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY..

Italian..man on top, woman in kitchen 26

Russian..woman on bottom, man getting permission 55

English..side by side with lights off 10

Scots..woman on top, man on whisky 69

American..both on top 60

POSITIONS ACCORDING TO PREFERENCE..

Missionary 45

Soixante neuf 69

Doggie fashion 120

Doggie fashion (with barking and yelping) 150