Am I Stupid ?

[imaneggspurt]

Yet again I ask.....

Who in their right mind seeks advice from total strangers on an anonymous internet forum ?

But......to answer you question as to if you're stupid or not, yes you are, then again, judging by the responses you got here from the relationship experts, you're not alone.

This forum is getting trolled to death.

They cant all be as smart as you buddy, come on, there is time to save this one ( if he will listen ) would you like a private wager that his relationship is or isnt over ?,..no one is saying they are a relationship expert, but if you cross the road blindfolded the chances are you will be knocked down,.

[Gary A]

So I guess I am stupid I got married 5 years ago to a thai women and we lived happy in Australia

since then I deceided to move to thailand because of her parents. But now I don't have a life any more.

We build a house ( next to the parent one) But every body just keeps walking in ( no knocking on doors)

My wife watches TV all night long till 1 am ( not with me of course ) but with the family and some times with our workers we have employed. So in the morning she is so tired and when I complain about her watching TV she says oh let me have my joy. Call me old fashioned but I always thought wife and husband schould be in bed together. Am I wrong ?

The first mistake was building a house next to her family. The second mistake was not coming to an understanding BEFORE you made the move. My wife's family lives in the next village and my wife is free to visit them anytime she wants. If my wife decides to allow any of her family to move into my castle (actually a small house), I simply won't put up with it and I WOULD leave. Her family does respect my privacy and seldom visit our (my wife's) house.

Your only option right now is to explain that you need some privacy. Do you have a spare bedroom that you could have to yourself? Call it your computer room and discourage anyone coming into you private place.

[barky]

I tend to agree with some of what has been already stated. You should have a serious talk to her in the first place and try to get her to see reason. If that fails then put your foot down and kick the hangers on out and don't falter in your resolve. If that fails start preparing for your departure, don't tell her anything, just keep the smile on your face, set yourself up with as much money and valuables and assets as you can and disappear.

Call her after a month and see whether it's wothwhile to return.

[philstone]

So I guess I am stupid I got married 5 years ago to a thai women and we lived happy in Australia

since then I deceided to move to thailand because of her parents. But now I don't have a life any more.

We build a house ( next to the parent one) But every body just keeps walking in ( no knocking on doors)

My wife watches TV all night long till 1 am ( not with me of course ) but with the family and some times with our workers we have employed. So in the morning she is so tired and when I complain about her watching TV she says oh let me have my joy. Call me old fashioned but I always thought wife and husband schould be in bed together. Am I wrong ?

Stop complaining you are not needed either understand that and take the little she gives you or leave. She has enough for a couple of years she will not miss you Can not you figure this out that what we all have.

Once you given them a life salary they don't need you.

[G54]

Couldn't the television she watches break down for a couple of days? Maybe take it away when she is not there and say you have sent it to be repaired? Maybe then you can get to watch the tv in the bedroom. On the other hand it might be that she goes and watches the family tv.

I do understand where you are coming from. I had that problem with an ex watching tv all the time, those crazy Thai soaps. Never had the problem with family walking in un-anounced. The family always stood outside the door and called out first. There is a definite sense of lack of respect from the family.

If talking to her fails and also taking her out, as others have suggested, then maybe it is time for a re-think.

If you start to weigh the situation up now with regards to splitting from her and the family before she gets wind of what you are doing, you may be able to salvage some of your financial input.

Hard, when you are alone out there and in a difficult situation. All the best in your endeavours to resolve the problem.

[chavy]

Get rid of the Tele.

he can start there, followed by the builders and the mother-in-law

Agreed but in reverse order

[tartempion]

Building a house next to the parent one

I know a few farangs who did so also and guess how they are in misery!

We build a house 1km from the parents, family were told they were not welcome to walk in uninvited and emptying the farangs fridge.

Sometimes (once or twice a month) father or mother stop at the gate and wait patiently we come to open/talk to them.

We often visit their house, gf having isaan meal with parents, myself watching village life pass by, no way would I touch what they eat.

What can you do?

a) build a new house 100kms from there

c) talk to your wife and make sure family stays at the gate, maybe you will need to wall and gate property first?

Good luck

P.S. edit: no option B because that generates an emoticon

Edited September 27, 2008 by tartempion

[Moonrakers]

<snip>

What I would suggest is to go commando as much as you can as them catching you in your full naked glory will have an impact and they will learn to knock sharpish. I found this out inadvertently because granny was quite shocked at the site of my member, but I was able to explain that if she had f'in well had the common decency to knock first then it would have been avoided.

Was this supposed to say 'sight' or 'size'?

If the latter then I think this is a case of shameless self-promotion.

Whoops, maybe both options apply here.

[Geekfreaklover]

These problems need to be 'nipped in the bud' - Once signs of weekness are displayed then it be a slippery slope to being treated like dirt. And building a house in the family village can be seen as a sign of weekness, as is letting strangers into your house all day and allowing her to do as she pleases.

Difficult to turn around and put your foot down when your mrs has been married to you for 5 years and knows your weeknessses.

If you have some money then get f#$k outta dodge and leave her to it, if only for a few weeks. This way the locals will start to gossip and she will be seen to lose face in letting her golden goose / ATM escape.

Good luck.

[stephaniee]

So I guess I am stupid I got married 5 years ago to a thai women and we lived happy in Australia

since then I deceided to move to thailand because of her parents. But now I don't have a life any more.

We build a house ( next to the parent one) But every body just keeps walking in ( no knocking on doors)

My wife watches TV all night long till 1 am ( not with me of course ) but with the family and some times with our workers we have employed. So in the morning she is so tired and when I complain about her watching TV she says oh let me have my joy. Call me old fashioned but I always thought wife and husband schould be in bed together. Am I wrong ?

wo reading all the , im sure, fine responses.

yes you are wrong. assuming yr lady is of poor issarn variety theres a good chance she married you 4 your money not the fine man you are . her family got a house and i really dont know what you got except the shaft.

i learn this and ive never been to issarn!

[siamamerican]

If the woman treats you with no respect, which she is doing, why the hel_l do you want salvage the relationship. Sure, you can play games and get her attention, but don't kid yourself. This relationship isn't meant to be and it is time to start another disaster.

Two types of relationships in LOS. One based on love and the other money. You chose money and then made all the wrong decisions. The only way this relationship works is if you are a master at controlling the purse strings and you are lacking in sound judgment.

Move on and try a relationship based on love or something remotely resembling it. Risky in LOS, but sure can't be any worse than the current situation. Hmm, what advice would you give yourself?

[teacup]

So I guess I am stupid I got married 5 years ago to a thai women and we lived happy in Australia

since then I deceided to move to thailand because of her parents. But now I don't have a life any more.

We build a house ( next to the parent one) But every body just keeps walking in ( no knocking on doors)

My wife watches TV all night long till 1 am ( not with me of course ) but with the family and some times with our workers we have employed. So in the morning she is so tired and when I complain about her watching TV she says oh let me have my joy. Call me old fashioned but I always thought wife and husband schould be in bed together. Am I wrong ?

ahha....I know the answer.......

fred2007, I think you are just too "boOOring"!!! ........ IN and OUT ......of the bedroom, ME THINK!!!!!

[rixalex]

It seems quite common for relationships with an age gap for there to be an imbalance of power.

If it's an older man with a young wife, the women invariably hold all the cards as they are the ones who could most easily walk away from the relationship and into a new one, unless the man retains all the financial power.

If the man doesn't have this, or if he has given it up, he has put himself in a very weak position and whether or not this gets taken advantage of is down to the woman he has married.

Old guys who marry cute young girls may think they've died and gone to heaven, but they usually end up in hel_l. Some quicker than others.

Enjoy the ride whilst it lasts, because it won't.

P.S. There are, as always, exceptions to the rule.

[bravingbangkok]

There is too much advice like: Get a divorce, find a mia noi/gik, throw everyone out.

This is childish advice. Who gets a divorce over TV watching? Anyone willing to throw away a 5-year marriage over this problem could never be a suitable husband or father to anyone.

There are many things you can do to help preserve this relationship.

1) Go out more often, together. Day trips, temple carnivals, restaurants, movies, shopping, sight seeing, picnics, etc.

2) Take holidays frequently, together. Make them romantic getaways.

3) Accept that the family is part of your lives and that won't change. Join them. Learn the language. Interact.

4) Build a small vacation house in another part of Thailand.

5) Travel overseas: HK, Singapore, Laos, Viet Nam, Philippines, Cambo, China, Japan, Korea, NZ, Bali, Malaysia.

6) Set limits, but be reasonable. If 1 am is too late, move it to midnight. If it's every night that she's watching TV with family, suggest that 2 or 3 nights per week are yours.

7) Have family outings. Take everyone out. This will help further positive family relations.

And these are just a few of the things that could be done.

Well said

[Chaimai]

1) Go out more often, together. Day trips, temple carnivals, restaurants, movies, shopping, sight seeing, picnics, etc.

2) Take holidays frequently, together. Make them romantic getaways.

3) Accept that the family is part of your lives and that won't change. Join them. Learn the language. Interact.

4) Build a small vacation house in another part of Thailand.

5) Travel overseas: HK, Singapore, Laos, Viet Nam, Philippines, Cambo, China, Japan, Korea, NZ, Bali, Malaysia.

6) Set limits, but be reasonable. If 1 am is too late, move it to midnight. If it's every night that she's watching TV with family, suggest that 2 or 3 nights per week are yours.

7) Have family outings. Take everyone out. This will help further positive family relations.

Well said

CRAP !

1 to 7 should already have been happening - she is not interested. She has everything she wants and no longer needs to do anything else.

Another one one trying to apply Western value/thinking to a multicultural relationship. When in Oz she did as the Romans do - now the OP must do the same in Thailand (or move on).

[way2muchcoffee]

1) Go out more often, together. Day trips, temple carnivals, restaurants, movies, shopping, sight seeing, picnics, etc.

2) Take holidays frequently, together. Make them romantic getaways.

3) Accept that the family is part of your lives and that won't change. Join them. Learn the language. Interact.

4) Build a small vacation house in another part of Thailand.

5) Travel overseas: HK, Singapore, Laos, Viet Nam, Philippines, Cambo, China, Japan, Korea, NZ, Bali, Malaysia.

6) Set limits, but be reasonable. If 1 am is too late, move it to midnight. If it's every night that she's watching TV with family, suggest that 2 or 3 nights per week are yours.

7) Have family outings. Take everyone out. This will help further positive family relations.

Well said

CRAP !

1 to 7 should already have been happening - she is not interested. She has everything she wants and no longer needs to do anything else.

Another one one trying to apply Western value/thinking to a multicultural relationship. When in Oz she did as the Romans do - now the OP must do the same in Thailand (or move on).

No need to be so high and mighty Chaimai. It is unbecoming.

I think you are on to something anyway. I suspect she is just bored, as teacup suggested. This means that the husband needs to find exciting things for them to do. Make things more interesting. Travel. Nights on the town. If they are sitting out in the boonies in the village, and the husband hangs out all day doing nothing, it only makes sense that the wife will fall into the village ways she grew up with. IME village life is communal. There is very little 'private time'. The private time is achieved by doing things together - away from the village.

Edited September 27, 2008 by way2muchcoffee

[thithi]

make a deal like parents do with their kids who are tv-addicted then...

but you are right. hubby and wifey should be in bed together.

or take the plug out

[bravingbangkok]

In a Thai/Farang relationship you must learn about eachothers culture and beliefs, If you cannot do this then you are just lazy and truly do not love eachother so just break it up now. You should also compromise and instead of you watching farang TV alone and then she watching Thai TV alone, watch both types together . As I said before if a wife or girl friend cannot be adult about the relationship and try and talk through what problems you have then get out because it will never work.

Also it would be best to stay away form the P4P girls

[rixalex]

1) Go out more often, together. Day trips, temple carnivals, restaurants, movies, shopping, sight seeing, picnics, etc.

2) Take holidays frequently, together. Make them romantic getaways.

3) Accept that the family is part of your lives and that won't change. Join them. Learn the language. Interact.

4) Build a small vacation house in another part of Thailand.

5) Travel overseas: HK, Singapore, Laos, Viet Nam, Philippines, Cambo, China, Japan, Korea, NZ, Bali, Malaysia.

6) Set limits, but be reasonable. If 1 am is too late, move it to midnight. If it's every night that she's watching TV with family, suggest that 2 or 3 nights per week are yours.

7) Have family outings. Take everyone out. This will help further positive family relations.

Well said

CRAP !

1 to 7 should already have been happening - she is not interested. She has everything she wants and no longer needs to do anything else.

Another one one trying to apply Western value/thinking to a multicultural relationship. When in Oz she did as the Romans do - now the OP must do the same in Thailand (or move on).

No need to be so high and mighty Chaimai. It is unbecoming.

I think you are on to something anyway. I suspect she is just bored, as teacup suggested. This means that the husband needs to find exciting things for them to do. Make things more interesting. Travel. Nights on the town. If they are sitting out in the boonies in the village, and the husband hangs out all day doing nothing, it only makes sense that the wife will fall into the village ways she grew up with. IME village life is communal. There is very little 'private time'. The private time is achieved by doing things together - away from the village.

That's all true but why is all the onus on the man? It seems to me like it's the woman here who is neglecting the man. Now i'm not saying that he won't have to put some work in himself if he wants to save the relationship, but it seems like there's something fundamentally wrong with his wife's attitude that needs to be sorted before he starts putting in all that effort you suggest. To do so now would be to reward and encourage her current behaviour, which in my opinion is unacceptable.

[Shotime]

Take the pussy!

[fred2007]

just an update of my post I said I go to bed now she says where is our nephew is he alright?

never said she comes to bed with me to yeah in about 3 hours I guess

[Shotime]

After 4 pages of posts, I'd have to say that "stupid" doesn't quite capture your mentality.

[sassienie]

guess its time for wife number 2.

I guess not I still love her and she looks after our business but I do not have any private life anymore, no cuddles no sex no nothing

So where does her Thai loser boyfriend come into this? oh yes, wager there is one.

[tracer5050]

Ask her if its ok for you to have a KIK. Tell her the Mia noi will help you feel better, Then see what happens

[Lilyjade]

Ask her if its ok for you to have a KIK. Tell her the Mia noi will help you feel better, Then see what happens

If he pressure her too much she will

force him to go home to AUS.

The house and the land is already hers,

she can sell the house and the land

or have the thai boyfriend move in with her.

The only reason she is alowing you to stay is because

you keep providing her and her boyfriend with money.

She would feel more comfortable if you stayed in AUS

sending them money every month.

Hire a private investigator, find out who her boyfriend is.

Then you can make her more happy by buying her boyfriend

a motorbike on his birthday.

Caring for her boyfriend will make her pleased, and she might even talk to you sometimes if you do that. Good luck m8.

[Furbie]

Do all old men lose their balls? How on earth would you lose total control of YOUR house and your wife?! No sex? Jeebus.... Stop feeling sorry for yourself and take responsibility for yourself and your happiness. You still love her? You love what exactly? She treats you like crap and is obviously using you, what do you love? The 30 year difference in age? Surely you need more than that right buddy? Cmon, if you are unhappy CHANGE THINGS. You did this to yourself, its not her fault, its not her families fault, its you. Go find a woman who does make you happy, get out of this situation if it is an unhappy one. It might sting at first but a year later you'll feel much better.

Aint that the truth! Totally mind boggling how desperadoes here bag there fat assed farang exwives but at the same time hand there balls over on a platter to a 4ft 2inch pipsqueek and then either come crying here or unthinkably do a swan dive off a balcony. walk into the TV room and tell the workers to piss of, NOW. tell the missus to come to bed NOW or go and pack your bags and don't say a word until she asks you. Tell her you need a break with a smile, just a short holiday to think about things. Take control of your life and be a man she just might respect you for it..

Without putting too fine a point on it - grow a pair! I will never understand the guys who can't control their wives. I am not suggesting that she should not be a free and independent person, I am merely stressing the need for someone to take charge of the relationship - something your wife has clearly done because you let her.

Too often, I see Western men fall into the trap of letting their Thai wives or GFs get away with treating them like garbage - the irony is we fall for them because they treat us so much better than Western women. What you need to understand is that Thai women (even the sweetest ones) will push and push and push looking for weaknesses and the chance to gain control. When they find one, they will continue to push and find more. Don't let her get away with it, and when you do stand firm, you must continue to stand firm through the tears and pouting - or else its even worse.

Remember, they come from a very controlled environment and need some relationship boundaries.

Your biggest problem now is you let it go way too far, and you need to start exerting youself to get back control but without her losing face in front of family and employees. Good luck.

[GungaDin]

Fred, you broke a basic rule in Thailand, you did not move far enough away from the wife's village/inlaws etc. when you moved from Aus.

Fact: it's over, move on.

Sorry.

[jayjayjayjay]

I have never been out by my self we don't have any pubs here but I brrought some videos when I came here which we both watchet all the time and I have not watchet one of them yet

Sounds like it is time to start selling the assets that are in her name, the long escape route. If not I can see this getting very messy!

Edited September 29, 2008 by jayjayjayjay

[Shotime]

You better cut it out or Fred might kill himself. I get a terrible feeling in my stomach when I consider this to be an authentic story. I've been in situations with women many times, but this is disheartening. Get a grip, Fred.

[larvidchr]

Do all old men lose their balls? How on earth would you lose total control of YOUR house and your wife?! No sex? Jeebus.... Stop feeling sorry for yourself and take responsibility for yourself and your happiness. You still love her? You love what exactly? She treats you like crap and is obviously using you, what do you love? The 30 year difference in age? Surely you need more than that right buddy? Cmon, if you are unhappy CHANGE THINGS. You did this to yourself, its not her fault, its not her families fault, its you. Go find a woman who does make you happy, get out of this situation if it is an unhappy one. It might sting at first but a year later you'll feel much better.

Aint that the truth! Totally mind boggling how desperadoes here bag there fat assed farang exwives but at the same time hand there balls over on a platter to a 4ft 2inch pipsqueek and then either come crying here or unthinkably do a swan dive off a balcony. walk into the TV room and tell the workers to piss of, NOW. tell the missus to come to bed NOW or go and pack your bags and don't say a word until she asks you. Tell her you need a break with a smile, just a short holiday to think about things. Take control of your life and be a man she just might respect you for it..

Without putting too fine a point on it - grow a pair! I will never understand the guys who can't control their wives. I am not suggesting that she should not be a free and independent person, I am merely stressing the need for someone to take charge of the relationship - something your wife has clearly done because you let her.

Too often, I see Western men fall into the trap of letting their Thai wives or GFs get away with treating them like garbage - the irony is we fall for them because they treat us so much better than Western women. What you need to understand is that Thai women (even the sweetest ones) will push and push and push looking for weaknesses and the chance to gain control. When they find one, they will continue to push and find more. Don't let her get away with it, and when you do stand firm, you must continue to stand firm through the tears and pouting - or else its even worse.

Remember, they come from a very controlled environment and need some relationship boundaries.

Your biggest problem now is you let it go way too far, and you need to start exerting youself to get back control but without her losing face in front of family and employees. Good luck.

I agree to some extend with Furbie, we do tend to bring relationship experiences with us and apply them to our relationships here, some things work out really well but some don't. I think Furbie is right saying that we to some degree must take control in our Thai relationships, our equality mindedness from home where the borderlines, somehow is automatic understood by both parts, is not applicable to a relationship here, sweet as your Thai partner are they tend not to know when to stop and not exploit things to the unbearable limit.

We all make mistakes because we are all just Human, and it is not about just somebody being an idiot, every relationship is to some degree unique.

I made some mistakes in my first Thai relationship and when I realised that things where going in a wrong direction it was to late to pull back what was already taken, I tried but the conflicts was just to big, my Girlfriend, who really was a wonderful honest sweet girl somehow got to control every aspect of my life, I had been to overbearing in the beginning, and to be honest, I also did not care to much about things I at that time regarded as mere unimportant details, It was very hard to come to the conclusion that after many unsuccessful attempts to talk about these things I had to end the relationship to save my dignity and quality of life, it took me quite a while to overcome my feeling of guilt, and sadness on her behalf, before i finally asked her to leave, because I was acutely aware that she had not done any of it out of malice, but it was purely a cultural thing on her part, and that I had a great part of the responsibility myself for not managing our relationship correct from the beginning.

Now in my new relationship I have made a few things quite clear off cause this is simplified but, my mobile is of limits, my personal mail is of limits just as I would never dream of touching her mobile/mail, my money is mine (as hers is hers) and although I normally is happy to share them with her, money decisions is ultimately mine and mine alone, If I now and again choose to go out it is my decision alone and I don't want to hear any negative comments, if and when issues crop up where we after talking about it don't seem to be able to find a compromise it is my final decision that then settles the matter, and if things then go wrong it is my responsibility alone to rectify as she would expect of me regardless.

Now all this might seem at a glance rather Neanderthal like, and although she did originally resist and complain I stood firm and after a few days of brooding she accepted these things as the situations presented themselves. In real life terms it allows my Girlfriend to make decisions about 95% or more of our life, and at the same time retain her pride and importance in our relationship, but establishes me as the absolute Head of our family. And now I/we are experiencing a harmony that I did not think possible in a Thai/ Foreign relationship when my first 2 year long relationship unfortunately had to end.

Let me just add that my present Girlfriend is quite smart with a Master degree in case somebody should start thinking that I am just taking advantage of some poor uneducated girl who know no better. I supply this information just to be on forehand with some potential stereotyping.

As I stated before, all relationships are individually unique and what is right for Peter is not necessarily right for Paul, I wish the OP good luck.