Are Aussies Really So Bad?

[samuibeachcomber]

nice one,have a VB for me cant get em here.

[Chopper]

Helps if you do it with the accents...

The scene is set:

A dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the dark sky.

Three hang-glider pilots sitting by the campfire, one from Australia ,one from South Ifrika and

one from New Zulland.

Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous, the night of tales begins...

Kiven the Kiwi says:

'I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es.

Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who came out of the swamp

and ate sux min who were standen close by.

I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer hends'

Alan from South Ifrica who typically can't stand to be bettered said:

Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snake

slid out from under a rock and made a move on me.

I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off then sucked the poison from its body down in one gulp.

End I'm still here today'

Terry, the Aussie, ...........................remained silent,

slowly poking the fire with his penis......

[peter991]

Taking the Dog for a walk in Darwin

Peter

[peter991]

The Rural Recession has been explained in simple terms by an old-time farmer:

It all started back in 1966 when we changed from pounds to dollars – that doubled me bloody overdraft.

Then they brought in kilograms instead of pounds – me bloody wool clip dropped by half.

After that, they changed rain to millimetres and we haven't had an inch of rain since. If that wasn't enough, they brought on Celsius, and it never got over 40 degrees, no wonder me bloody wheat won't grow.

Then they changed acres to hectares, and I ended up with only half the land I had. By this time I'd had enough and decided to sell out.

I put the property in the agent's hand and then they changed miles to kilometres. Now I'm too far out of town for anybody to buy the bloody place.

[warfie]

... and then came daylight savings and even the pharqen curtains faded!

[neverdie]

Taking the Dog for a walk in Darwin

Peter

which ones the dog?....I wonder what shop she stole that from?

[neverdie]

GUDONYA PETER !

For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an 'Australian treasure !'

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.

You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.

Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback

lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:

We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:

I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:

I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:

Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

NOW THATS A CLASSIC!

[samuibeachcomber]

yes it is,i bet she went red in the face.what is it lawyers say,"never ask a question you dont know the answer to "comes to mind.

[peter991]

Recently I bought a new car but I had to return it to the dealer the next day because I couldn't get the radio to work.

The car salesman explained that the radio was voice-activated and demonstrated this brilliant feature.

"Nelson," the salesman called to the radio.

The radio then responded "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!" he called back and immediately the radio burst into song "On the Road Again".

Then the salesman calls "Ray Charles," and in an instant " Georgia on My Mind" immediately replaces the Willie Nelson song.

I drove away very happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven," I'd receive beautiful classical music for the afternoon.

Then I would say "Beatles," and I would hear a multitude of those great awesome songs from the 60-80's.

It was fun and even my girl friend got into it too.

"Billy Joel" and up came 'The Piano Man" "Rolling Stones" and up came "Jumpin Jack Flash" plus many other great Stone's hits.

But yesterday, I had the best experience of all.

A couple tried to run a red light and I nearly creamed my new car, but luckily I managed to swerve in time to avoid hitting them.

I immediately yelled in anger, "Arse Holes!"

Guess what !!

Immediately up came the song " Good old Collingwood for ever ............"

Peter

[peter991]

IN THE BEGINNING, THE AUSSIE VERSION

In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach, and BBQs. He created night for going prawning, sleeping and BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Second Day, God created water - for surfing, - swimming and BBQs on the beach, and God saw that it was good.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - - to provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for BBQs, and God saw that it was good..

On the Fifth day God created a Bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQs, and God saw that it was good.

On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the Barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes, and God saw that it was good.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling Barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good ..... Well. . almost good. He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest. So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good. It was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome!

IT WAS AUSTRALIA!!!!!

[LtCol]

Not forgetting the WATERBED is an AUSSIE Invention.......................I think this is the Brother of the Sheila walking the Dog

[junki3korean]

how come we`re only dissing the abos here???

[samuibeachcomber]

IN THE BEGINNING, THE AUSSIE VERSION

In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach, and BBQs. He created night for going prawning, sleeping and BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Second Day, God created water - for surfing, - swimming and BBQs on the beach, and God saw that it was good.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - - to provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for BBQs, and God saw that it was good..

On the Fifth day God created a Bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQs, and God saw that it was good.

On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the Barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes, and God saw that it was good.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling Barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good ..... Well. . almost good. He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest. So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good. It was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome!

IT WAS AUSTRALIA!!!!!

very good,especially true going back to 70's,alas no more,i think the ladies have wised up and would be more likely to say"shove it up your arse".

[LtCol]

IN THE BEGINNING, THE AUSSIE VERSION

In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach, and BBQs. He created night for going prawning, sleeping and BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Second Day, God created water - for surfing, - swimming and BBQs on the beach, and God saw that it was good.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - - to provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for BBQs, and God saw that it was good..

On the Fifth day God created a Bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQs, and God saw that it was good.

On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the Barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes, and God saw that it was good.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling Barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good ..... Well. . almost good. He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest. So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good. It was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome!

IT WAS AUSTRALIA!!!!!

very good,especially true going back to 70's,alas no more,i think the ladies have wised up and would be more likely to say"shove it up your arse".

TRUE

That's why the blokes are moving to Pattaya isn't it ??

[LtCol]

Two locals leaving the Courthouse in the Northwest of WA , spot a Notice outside the clerks Office "Wanted" White Man for Rape !

"Crikey ," one says to the other , "these bloody white fellas get all the good jobs even up here "

[samuibeachcomber]

IN THE BEGINNING, THE AUSSIE VERSION

In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach, and BBQs. He created night for going prawning, sleeping and BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Second Day, God created water - for surfing, - swimming and BBQs on the beach, and God saw that it was good.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - - to provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for BBQs, and God saw that it was good..

On the Fifth day God created a Bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQs, and God saw that it was good.

On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the Barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes, and God saw that it was good.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling Barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good ..... Well. . almost good. He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest. So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good. It was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome!

IT WAS AUSTRALIA!!!!!

very good,especially true going back to 70's,alas no more,i think the ladies have wised up and would be more likely to say"shove it up your arse".

TRUE

That's why the blokes are moving to Pattaya isn't it ??

thats my mantra ltcol.

[Jai Dee]

An Aussie Golf Story

Wayne was teeing off from the men's tee.

On his downswing, he realized that his wife, Chardonnay, was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in front of him.

Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the head, killing her instantly.

A few days later, Wayne got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy.

Coroner:" Wayne, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the head, is that correct?"

Wayne: "Yes mate, that's correct."

Coroner: "Well, inexplicably I found a golf ball wedged up her arse."

Wayne: "Was it a Titleist 3?"

Coroner: "It was, yes"

Wayne: "Yeah, that was my provisional."

[peter991]

An Australian Aboriginal picks up a hooker.

'How much do you charge for da hour, sister?' he asks.

'$100,' she replies.

He says 'Do you do Aboriginal style?'

'No' she says.

'I pay you $200 to do it Aboriginal style'

'No', she says, not knowing what Aboriginal style is.

'I pay you $300'

'No', she says.

'I pay you $400'

'No', she says.

So finally he says, 'OK, I pay you $1,000 to do it Aboriginal style.'

She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world. How bad could Aboriginal Style be?''.

So she agrees and has sex with him.

They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position. Finally, after several hours, they finish.

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is 'Aboriginal style'?'

The Aboriginal replies 'You send da bill to da Gub'ment'

[peter991]

AUSTRALIAN LOVE POEM

Of course I love ya darlin'

You're a bloody top-notch bird

And when I say you're gorgeous

I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side

I don't mind a bit of flab

It means that when I'm ready

There's somethin' there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more

I tell ya, I don't care

So long as when I cuddle ya

I can get my arms round there

No sheila who is your age

Has nice round perky breasts

They just gave in to gravity

But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin' ya the truth now

I never tell ya lies

I think its very sexy

That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now

The moment that we met

I thought you was as good as

I was ever gonna get

No matter what u look like

I'll always love ya dear

Now shut up while the footy's on

And fetch another beer.

Peter

[peter991]

3 Aussies die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

58 Aussies are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Aussies have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

8 Aussies had serious burns in 2008 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Aussies were admitted to Emergency in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

And finally.........

In 2008 eight Aussies cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.

I am proud to be an AUSSIE !!!!!!!

Peter

Edited May 1, 2009 by peter991

[peter991]

PSALM 2009 - 2012

FIRST BOOK OF GOVERNMENT

Kevin is the shepherd I did not want.

He leadeth me beside the still factories.

He restoreth my faith in the Liberal party.

He guideth me in the path of unemployment for his party's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the bread line,

I shall fear no hunger for his bailouts are with me..

He has anointed my income with taxes,

My expenses runneth over.

Surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days of my life

And I will live in a rented home forever.

I am glad I am Australian,

I am glad that I am free.

But I wish I was a dog

and Kevin was a tree

[njpski]

3 Aussies die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

58 Aussies are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Aussies have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

8 Aussies had serious burns in 2008 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Aussies were admitted to Emergency in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

And finally.........

In 2008 eight Aussies cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.

I am proud to be an AUSSIE !!!!!!!

Peter

The statistics look dodgy but the map is spot on - except you left off on the west coast, deranged white south african refugees

[Jai Dee]

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'

[peter991]

hel_l freezes over

Johnno and Dave from Fremantle die and wake up in hel_l.

The devil stops by to see how they have settled in, but is stunned to find them sunbaking. He asks what are you doing sunbaking in this searing heat.

Johnno replies, We are from Western Australia, the Golden State, the land of sunshine. We love the heat.

The devil decides they're not miserable enough so he turns up the heat. The next morning he stops by and they're still lazily sitting back, sucking away on a couple of stubbies. The devil asks them angrily, Its F**ing hot down here. Can’t you blokes feel it?

Nah, says Dave. Like we told ya yesterday, were from WA. We love the heat.

This pisses off the devil even more so he decides to fix Dave and Johnno; he cranks up the heat as high as it will go. Soon, everyones wailing and screaming. He drops in the next day and Dave and Johnno are kicking back in board shorts and thongs, drinking beer and having a Barbie. The devil is amazed: Everyone down here is utterly miserable, but you two keep enjoying yourselves.

Dave grins, Well, ya know, it kinda reminds us of home when the weather is THIS nice.

Frustrated, the devil comes up with a new plan to get the pair, he turns off all the heat in hel_l. The next day, the temperature is a hundred below zero, with ice and snow everywhere. The devil smiles and heads off to see the two Freo boys. Incredibly, he finds them rugged up and drinking beer, cheering and laughing like lunatics. I don't understand cries the dumbfounded devil. When I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing and you're still f****** happy. What in the name of hel_l is wrong with you two blokes now?

Johnno looks at him in surprise and grins, Don't you know, mate? If hel_l freezes over, it must mean the Dockers have finally won the premiership.

[peter991]

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine early each morning. As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores.

As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine.

One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw hat there had been a terrible cave-in.

Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.

'Hello...Hello!' she shouted. 'Can anyone hear me? Hello!'

For a long while, there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, 'Hello! Is anyone down there?'

Just as she was about to give up all hope, she heard a faint voice from deep within the mine, singing;

'DOCKERS' for Premiers in 09!!'

Snow White fell to her knees and prayed, 'Oh, thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive.'

[Chris Lawrence]

Eddie McGuire flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play aussie rules and is suitably impressed

and arranges for him to come over to Collingwood

He's signed to a one-year contract and the kid joins the team for the pre-season.

Two weeks later the magpies are down by 6 goals to Carlton with only 10 minutes left.

The coach gives the young Iraqi the nod and he goes in. The kid is a sensation - kicks 7 goals in

10 minutes and wins the game for the magpies!

The fans are thrilled, the players and coaches are delighted, and the media are in love with the new star.

When the player comes off the ground he phones his mum to tell her about his first day of AFL.

'Hello mum, guess what?' he says. 'I played for 10 minutes today, we were 6 goals down, but I kicked 7

goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media...

'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed,

your sister and I were ambushed, raped and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and

all while you were having such great time.'

The young Iraqi is very upset.

'What can I say mum, I'm so sorry.'

'Sorry? You're sorry?' says his mum, 'It's your fault we moved to Collingwood in the first place!'

[Jai Dee]

A ringer from a huge cattle station in outback Australia appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the ringer offered. "On a trip to the backblocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales, I came across a gang of bikies, who were threatening a young shiela. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie... smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground."

I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the shit out of the lot of ya’s!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago..."

[toptuan]

post removed

Edited June 19, 2009 by toptuan

[peter991]

From: The Australian Government, Dept. of Health & Aging

Subject: Swine Flu

As you were advised through an earlier Department advisory letter, there is an outbreak and epidemic of Swine Flu in Australia.

To facilitate identification and in order that you may be on the alert for indications that you or members of your family may have contracted the virus, you should be aware of the following symptoms:

1. Sore throat

2. Persistent slight headache

3. Nausea or upset stomach

4. An uncontrollable urge to have sex in the mud

[peter991]

School Message (TRUE)

This is the message that the Maroochydore High School Queensland staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine . This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.

The outgoing message:

Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2

To complain about what we do - Press 3

To swear at staff members - Press 4

To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and

several flyers mailed to you - Press 5

If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8

To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

To complain about school lunches - Press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be Accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!

If you want this in another language, move to a country that speaks it.

(I wonder if any Thai school would do something like this ???)