Are Aussies Really So Bad?

[chuchok]

Outback Australians....

Two Drovers are out in the back of beyond having an argument about who has the smarter dog.

Drover one: "I can prove it, Red fetch us a feed!"

A couple of hours go by without old red coming back, and drover one wears it solid but red finally crawls back with a bunch of bannanas looking much the worse for wear.

Drover two: "Not to shabby but watch this, Blue fetch us a feed!".

Blue takes off at a rate of knotts comes back with a stick.

Drover one pisses himself laughing but blue carries on dissapearing coming back with sticks and drover two just smiles.

This carries on for half an hour, before blue comes back with a billy full of water takes off again.

Drover one is looking a little less smug but still laughing.

Blue comes back with two eggs drops them into the billy lights the fire swings the billy times the eggs to perfection, puts out the fire, tips the hot water out and sticks "His arse in the air.

Drover one: "Well f@#k me, you do have the smarter dog but why has he buried his face in the sand with his arse waving in the breeze?

Drover two:"He knows I don't have an egg cup see!"

[Jai Dee]

Drover two:"He knows I don't have an egg cup see!"

[COBBER]

Love it

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QUOTE(Jai Dee @ 2005-04-22 12:24:26

Love it

[right)

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And just to ruin your day gentlemen, xxxx is owned by a kiwi brewery.

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I thaught that the major shareholder of Lion Nathan was the Japanese company Kirin.

[chuchok]

Love it

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QUOTE(Jai Dee @ 2005-04-22 12:24:26

Love it

[right)

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And just to ruin your day gentlemen, xxxx is owned by a kiwi brewery.

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I thaught that the major shareholder of Lion Nathan was the Japanese company Kirin.

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I think it is too...although I'm not telling anybody

[Nat]

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The Bondi guy is cute….pity he’s probably gay.

[Nat]

A bit of Kiwi bashing (to boost the ego).

An Australian was walking down a country road in New Zealand, when he happened to glance over the fence and see a farmer goin' at it with a sheep.

The Aussie is quite taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence and walks over to the farmer.

He taps him on the shoulder and says, "You know mate, back home, we shear those!"

The New Zealander looks frantically around and says, "I'm not bloody SHEARING this with no one!"

[udon]

A Pommie, an Aussie and Kiwi are talking a walk in hills one evening. As they near the mid-point of the strole they see a sheep that has become entangled in a wire fence, caught half in, half out. Immobilised and helpless.

As the Pommie passes he thinks to himself "I wish that was Liz Hurley!", as the Aussie passes he muses inwardly " I wish that was "The Singing Budgie!".

As the Kiwi passes he thinks to himself, "I wish it was dark!".

[dr_Pat_Pong]

A Pommie, an Aussie and Kiwi are talking a walk in hills one evening. As they near the mid-point of the strole they see a sheep that has become entangled in a wire fence, caught half in, half out. Immobilised and helpless.

As the Pommie passes he thinks to himself "I wish that was Liz Hurley!", as the Aussie passes he muses inwardly " I wish that was "The Singing Budgie!".

As the Kiwi passes he thinks to himself, "I wish it was dark!".

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[Pink Mist]

How does a kiwi find a sheep in long grass??????????

B EWE TIFULL

[dr_Pat_Pong]

[udon]

Reading all the Kiwi jokes makes me glad I'm not a Kiwi......... or a sheep!

[dr_Pat_Pong]

Reading all the Kiwi jokes makes me glad I'm not a Kiwi......... or a sheep!

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How do you reckon the sheep feel ?

[chuchok]

Reading all the Kiwi jokes makes me glad I'm not a Kiwi......... or a sheep!

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How do you reckon the sheep feel ?

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Loved

[dr_Pat_Pong]

Very much loved indeed

[Pink Mist]

You know why the horses run so fast in NZ???

They saw what happened to the sheep

[dr_Pat_Pong]

You know why the horses run so fast in NZ???

They saw what happened to the sheep

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Aren't horses a bit too tall ... or are step ladders as easy to acquire as Velcro gloves

[chuchok]

You know why the horses run so fast in NZ???

They saw what happened to the sheep

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Aren't horses a bit too tall ... or are step ladders as easy to acquire as Velcro gloves

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I dunno..thought you guys would have that type of experience with jumping marsupials..pun intended.

[Humphrey Bear]

I've just wasted my entire lunch-hour on this thread.

Wait 'til I dig out my Hammersley Hash joke book .......

[chuchok]

I'd appreciate some Aussie jokes here please...at the mo I'm on to a hiding to nothing.Any humans (kiwis) help out here?

[udon]

Nope !

[dr_Pat_Pong]

Yer can't use Kiwis and Humans in the same sentence.

[Jai Dee]

Yer can't use Kiwis and Humans in the same sentence. 

[chuchok]

Ok you buggers...it's war!

An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".

The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"

[McAttack]

At the end of a tiny, deserted bar is a huge Kiwi bloke - 6ft 5 and 350lbs.

He's having a few beers when a short, well-dressed and obviously gay man

walks in and sits beside him.

After three or four beers the queer fella finally plucks up the courage to

say something to the big New Zealander.

Leaning over towards the Kiwi he whispers, "Do you want a blow-job?"

At this the massive Kiwi leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man

in the face, knocking him swiftly off the stool.

He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving him

bruised and battered in the car park and returning to his seat.

Amazed, the barman quickly brings over another beer.

"I've never seen you react like that, " he says, "just what did he say to

you?"

I'm not sure", the big Kiwi replies, "something about a job"

[Jai Dee]

Ok you buggers...it's war!

If that was supposed to be about an Australian, the correct response would have been "no wuckin furries mate!"

[chuchok]

Ok you buggers...it's war!

If that was supposed to be about an Australian, the correct response would have been "no wuckin furries mate!"

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I was being polite..

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for Six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet, replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot." "Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this place America. North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a Hot spot. Can you see the balance?"

"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a large land mass and asked, "What's that one?"

"Ah" said God. "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super- human, undefeatable, strong in character citizens who will be admired and feared by all who come across them".

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then exclaimed, "You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the buggers I'm putting next to them"

[Jai Dee]

God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the buggers I'm putting next to them"

I guess the Anzac Day armistice is over huh?

[chuchok]

God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the buggers I'm putting next to them"

I guess the Anzac Day armistice is over huh?

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For sure!

[chuchok]

After what witnesses described as an all night blinder during which it kept droning on about how it was always being bloody ignored by the whole bloody world and would bloody well stand to do something about it, Australia this morning woke up to find itself in the middle of the North Atlantic.

"Good Lord, that was a booze up," said a bleary-eyed Australian Prime Minister, John Howard, speaking from his residence at Kirribilli House, approximately 600 nautical miles east of Cape Hatteras, North Carolina.

According to Australians and residents of several countries destroyed or lewdly insulted during the continent's nearly 7,000-mile saltwater stagger, the binge began just after noon yesterday at a pub in Brisbane, where several patrons were discussing Australia Day (Jan. 26) and the nation's general lack of respect from abroad.

"It started off same as always; coupla fossils saying how our Banjo Patterson was a better poet than Walt Whitman, how Con the Fruiterer is funnier than Seinfeld, only they're Aussies so no one knows about 'em," recalled witness Michael Ewen. "Then this bloke Martin pipes up and says

Australia's main problem is that it's stuck in Australia, and everybody says 'Too right!'"

"Well, it made sense at the time," Ewen added.

By 2 a.m., powered by national pride and alcohol, the 3-million-square-mile land mass was barging eastward through the Coral Sea and crossing into the central Pacific, leaving a trail of beer cans and Chinese take-aways in its wake.

When dawn broke over the Northern Hemisphere, the continent suddenly found itself smack in the middle of the Atlantic, and according to most of its 19 million inhabitants, that's the way it's going to stay.

"We sent troops to Afghanistan. You never hear about it. We have huge government scandals. You never hear about it. It's all 'America did this,' and 'Europe says that,'" exclaimed Perth resident Arron Gunthorpe. "Well, we're right in the thick of things now, so let's just see if you can ignore us."

Officials on both sides of the Atlantic conceded that would be difficult. "They broke Florida," said U.S. State Department spokesman Richard Boucher. "And most of Latin America is missing."

Meanwhile, victims of what's already been dubbed the "Australian Crawl" are still shaking off the event.

"Australia bumped into us at about midnight local time," said the Spanish President Juan Carlos. "They were very friendly, they always seem friendly but they refused to go around unless we answered their questions. But the questions were impossible! Who is Ian Thorpe? Do you have any Tim Tams? What day is Australia Day?'"

"Fortunately, somebody here had an Unimportant World Dates calendar and we aced the last one," President Carlos added.

By late morning today, however, not everyone in Australia was quite so blithe. "We've still got part of Jamaica stuck to Queensland," said Australian army commander Lt. Gen. Peter Cosgrove. "I think we might have declared war on it. I don't bloody remember. Maybe it's time to go home."

Cosgrove, however, is not in the majority, and at press time, U.S., African, and European leaders were still desperately trying to negotiate for Australia's withdrawal. But the independent-minded Aussies were not making it easy.

In a two-hour meeting at midday, Australian representatives listed their demands:

Immediate inclusion in the North Atlantic Treaty Organization,

A permanent CNN presence in all 6 Australian states,

A worldwide ban on hiring Paul Hogan,

A primetime U.S. television contract for Australian Rules Football,

U.S. negotiators immediately walked out, calling the Australian Rules Football request "absurd."

Footnote:they did leave Tasmania behind...can't think why though

[dr_Pat_Pong]

God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the buggers I'm putting next to them"

I guess the Anzac Day armistice is over huh?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

That only lasted as long as the dawn service